Advice needed please!

[shelsco]

My Ds4 is nearly and has always been bossy which I put down to being the youngest. However, recently his temper has become a real problem. He has always had the usual sort of tantrums, no better or worse than his older brothers did, but he now does seem to have any control over his temper and has recently bitten both me and his granddad in temper.
Today school called me in to say there had been an incident where he had shouted at the teacher (because she told him he had to come out of a play area because he had pushed another child. He refused and shouted that he hated the teacher and said he was going to tell another teacher about her because she was being nasty. He then held his arms out towards her for a cuddle (which obviously he didn't get!) because he was upset! She said she would get the head teacher to come and see him so he shouted again and threw a chair at her!
I'm mortified and don't really know what to do. Generally he is polite, plays nicely with the other children (he is not often involved in disputes) but when he loses his temper he is out of control. I really don't know how to tackle it. Help!!

Nearly 4 that should say!!

Ah bless him! How awful for you and him obviously. If it is out of character, is there any possibility that he's coming down with something? One of my DDs is often awful when she's coming down with a bug.

By the sound of it, he lost his temper and immediately regretted it (hence the wanting a cuddle)

When this wasn't forthcoming, he went further...probably because he's not yet 4 and they're not great at self control at this age!

Has anything happned to upset him in his day to day life recently? Or is he ill?

Well he had chickenpox at Christmas and since then his eczema has been awful (wasn't really that bad before) and he's started having these temper outbursts. They both actually started at the same time weirdly. He had a huge tantrum about staying in bed one night and the same night I noticed the eczema, which I thought had come up with the stress of the tantrum.

Since then he's been terrified of me leaving him, having outbursts every time he doesn't get his own way (although we can usually diffuse it or talk him round most of the time before it gets to tantrum stage) and having huge tantrum about going to school (he loved it before Christmas). He does keep saying he's tired but he is generally full of energy so I don't think he's coming down with something. It can't really be addressed easily with stickers or anything because it doesn't really happen that often. It's just when it does, its out of control!

There is rather a good picture book called 'Angry Arthur'. Don't know whether looking at it together might help.

www.amazon.co.uk/Angry-Arthur-Hiawyn-Oram/dp/1842707744

No advice, just sympathy. My DD is 3.7 and we've just had a massive eczema flare up (post viral) coinciding with outrageous temper tantrums. I think they must feel really uncomfortable or use up so much energy dealing with their itching that there's no room in their brains for the management of emotions!

At around 4, boys have a testosterone surge - could be that?

Can I suggest that you look at his diet? Keep a food diary...everything he eats and at what time and any unsual outbursts.

I did this and discovered my DD was melting down whenever she'd had red jelly, Haribo or orange squash!

She is MUCH better on a diet with no processed food at all. his eczema and his temper outbursts could well be related to a food intolerance.

Thanks Judy and Frau will give Angry Arthur a try, would be a good way to talk about the subject without it becoming too personal.

I had heard about the testosterone surge but I have 3 older boys and he's so much worse than they were that I don't know if it can be simply down to hormones. (Dreading the teen years if it is!)

I had been thinking about his diet. we don't eat much processed food in his meals really as DS2 has nut allergy and we tend to try and cook from scratch. Biscuits and even bread though I suppose are processed so I suppose it could be something in a food like that.

I did read that a deficiency of fish oils can cause bad eczema and violent outbursts and he does crave oily fish so I did wonder about that. Could a virus like chickenpox cause a deficiency in omega 3 or 6? I don't know but I bought some anyway!

I'm worried that I'm making excuses for him and looking for a reason so I can blame something when actually he's just really naughty. Throwing a chair at school is pretty extreme for a 3 year old. I feel embarrassed too as think the school probably think I'm just too soft with him. I don't feel like I am, but what I am doing obviously isn't working!

Bump!
Any other ideas? Don't know how to address it.

Ask to have him tested re food allergies. Otherwise...ask the school how they think you can help him. Sometimes, joining forces helps hugely. A star chart at home and at school works...so he relates the two places and associates his behaviour at school with rewards at home.

He IS only 3...nearly 4 or not...it's young. At this age, my DD1 was unprecictable but in a different way. She used to have huge crying fits when thigns didn't go her way...ones that lasted an hour and nobody could calm her!

Nightmare. At this age they are learning to control their emotions still...you could, thinking about it consider a martial art for him. Judo and Taikwondo as well as Jujitsu are all excellent for DC to learn self control and to gain confidence.

I know, total nightmare! My older boys do karate and its great for discipline. I'm a bit worried that because DS4 has so little control over his temper that karate might make things worse at the moment. Although its about defence, it might teach him moves that could hurt people. He thinks anybody who upsets him is being nasty (mainly the teacher, its adults more than other children!)

He was SP tested for food allergies a few months ago when my other son was diagnosed with nut allergy and they were negative (for the things they tested for anyway!)

I don't think the nursery teacher has a clue how to handle it- that's half the problem. When he shouted then put his hands out for a cuddle, she could have taken his hand and calmed the situation a bit by saying something like "I can see you're really cross and upset but we don't shout so we need to let you settle down then we can have a talk about your behaviour". Then at least the other children could have continued playing so there wouldn't have been the whole nursery watching them. I'm not saying his behaviour was okay at all but I think she had a chance to de-escalate the situation but instead she told him it was too late when he wanted a cuddle and said she was getting the head. He's terrified of the head so he panicked and threw the chair!

I don't know if he's a normal (but bit extreme) 3 year old who will grow out of it or if I should be worried there's something else? I've never heard of a nursery child throwing a chair at the teacher before!

The only clinical explanations that I can think of ...and remember I am not an expert....are Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Attention Deficit Disorder.

Equally he could just be immature in his self control....you need most of all to listen to YOUR instincts. As his Mother, you are the person most able to sense problems with him.

What does your instinct say?

If you did decide to visit your GP to ask about his behaviour then it could be the beggining of helping him or finding out that you have no cause for concern...and finding your own ways of helping him.

The most important thing to remember is that you are his only advocate...you're the one who is in charge of his development to some extent.

It's a horrible thing to worry about your child's development and to question whether they have special needs in some area...I know as I was there with my own DD and now she's 8 I STILL have some worries sometimes....but as I say, it might be best to talk to the GP and see what they think. You don't have to take your DS with you.x

Thank you
Up until the last month I didn't feel anything was wrong really and the majority of the time now things are usually fine. He's not fidgety and can sit still and concentrate for ages. He sleeps well and stickers work well for most things.

He is terrified of being separated from me and has a lot of fears. He is scared of dying and God. It's a catholic school and they go a bit overboard on the religion, although they dont try to frighten him. It's just he doesn't understand it so he asks questions. He keeps asking if, when he dies he can just stay in the living room with me instead of going to heaven! And asking things like "What if you need the toilet in heaven?" We don't make a lot of religion and try to play it down to reassure him but he is quite anxious about it all!

He listens well, interacts well but just is very bossy! (though not so much with children, more with adults)

Recently, when I've seen him starting to lose his temper at home I've been able to diffuse it before it gets to meltdown but other people can't and I don't really know how why he can't be calmed down by them when he is (usually)by me!
Over the last 3 weeks I've had one violent outburst from him but his Grandad has had one (where he bit him!) and, like I say, so did the school. So am I just trying to convince myself its a phase because I want it to be? I just don't know.

Sorry I know I'm going round in circles but I'm so confused. I suppose maybe a visit to the doctor would help me find out one way or the other.

He could just be an anxious child...some are....and he's small still so can't deal with it. I would try to name his feelings for him. At this age, strong feelings are terrifying because they have nothing to compare them to.

You or I can recognise our feelings and relate them to other experiences "Oh I feel nervous because I'm going to have to speak in public...that's why my stomach is unsettled" ...that type of thing.

But at almost 4, he can't compare his missing you feeling to anything...he can't compare or recognise the warning signs.

My DD was very anxious and missed me badly...I talked about it with her and asked her about it....she said she missed me and I asked how it felt...she said she felt sick in her stomach.

So I called it "The missing Mummy feeling" and explained that everyone had this at time...I then began to kiss her hand before she left me, and tell her that the kiss would stay on all day...no matter how many times she washed her hands or what ever else she touched, the kiss was "in" her hand. If she got the missing Mummy feeling, she was to touch her hand and remember that at that moment I was thinking about her too.

It worked to a degree and she had an answer to her immediate problem...a way of coping.

She sometimes has a squirt of my perfume even now she is 8...to smell and give her a boost!

She's fine now but at 4 was very anxious about leaving me.

That's a really good idea, I will try the kissing thing. Ds has real difficulty talking about angry feelings. If I try to role play or something and ask his advice (teddy's really cross. What should he do? Sort of thing) he changes the conversation and avoids answering. He finds it easier to talk about sad feelings though so I will give that a try. If i can help with the fear maybe it will stop the rage a little! Thanks neo