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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Was horrible to 5yo this morning. Feel so bad but shes at school now. complete over reaction.

31 replies

retrorita · 19/03/2013 09:53

She has gone from being a really well behaved child to a child who cares little for consequences overnight.

In the past month she has written over the walls and doors upstairs with crayon. She would never have done this a year ago. She is breaking things and seems set on destruction for no reason. Some things I can't afford to replace.

I've talked to her till I'm blue in the face, explaining why isn't kind to ruin things or break other peoples things. I use time out as a punishment for everything.

Yesterday while sitting in a time out for rudeness to her sibling she sat and pulled the laces out of my shoes. So this morning, with about five minutes to leave I had to lace them all back up. I didn't have time and I was cross that she still isn't learning not to touch and ruin other peoples belongings. It wasn't a bad thing really but it was the straw that broke the camel back.

So I put her in a time out, told her she wasn't having her usual treat after school, took away her comforter that she still sleeps with and said she can't have it back till she learns to respect other peoples things. I'd spent ages putting her hair up and I took that out and told her she isn't going to have nice things done to her till she can start being nice. And then I made her walk to school instead of scooting as I said I didn't see why I should carry her scooter home when she can't be kind to me.

She went in school subdued, I gave her a quick kiss and walked away instead of the usual cuddle and kind words. Now I feel awful. I was horrible. And that's no way to send her off to school.

I hope she's ok. I feel so guilty.

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Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 10:12

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 19/03/2013 10:16

You went totally OTT but I have too with my extremely challenging 6 year old. It hurts my heart to think of her hair being taken down though .

I'd apologise to her and make a big fuss of her when she comes out but explain exactly why it happened and how frustrated you felt. She does need to understand that.

colditz · 19/03/2013 10:18

She will be fine. She has been punished, not abused. Yu have over reacted a wee bit, but you've done her no harm. Chill. The chances are she will have forgotten by now

EskSmith · 19/03/2013 10:19

Ok I can see you feel bad and she does deserves consequences. But.. You are the grown up here, essentially sulking with her and leaving her like that is not on Imo. Apply the consequences and move on. And just 1 consequence, not scooting, removing comforter OR taking her hair down, sounds like you were just piling on the punishments as you thought of them, in anger.

My dd1 responds to removal of favourite things. I try to have a strategy in advance so that I can offer clear fair consequences. This needs to be specifically tailored to your dd but currently dd1 (6) has her dresses drawer confiscated!

Spero · 19/03/2013 10:22

I agree, you over reacted but you have not done her lasting harm. She needs to understand bad behaviour brings consequences. Taking your laces out was spiteful behaviour. Next time just pick one bad consequence for her.

But please don't worry. I used to have awful meltdowns when my daughter wouldn't put her shoes on. Made her cry and I felt awful for ages. She is 8 now and has just told me that she loves me '10' on scale of 1-10 - so I bet she still loves you even if now and then you go OTT.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2013 10:23

Been there done that. Mornings are stressful, and I have been known to take stuff off DS1 as he won't get up, won't get dressed etc. Then he goes into school all arsey and I feel like the Mum from hell all day.

But generally they come out of school having forgotten all about it.

How about when she comes out of school later have a chat with her, explain how she made you feel and why you did what you did?

Nipitinthebud · 19/03/2013 10:32

Yes wee bit OTT but when you're at the end of your tether things can go a bit awry. I've been there, I'm sure lots of people have - thing is to recognise it (as you have) and give her big hugs, apologise and move on. I know with my reception aged DS I've been left wondering where my kind, sunny little boy has gone some days! I think you adding on more and more punishments is you trying to find something big enough to jolt her into compliance - trouble is then they can just feel aggrieved and it ends up in a negative spiral of bad behaviour and angst. Have you read 123 magic - very good book and very good at taking emotional aspects out if dusci

Nipitinthebud · 19/03/2013 10:34

Whoops

Out of disciplining!

Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 10:34

I do need a strategy. I guess I'm not used to dealing with a naughty child. Time out has always been enough.

I know I over reacted and it wasn't my proudest moment of a parent by far. I did just react in anger you're right Esksmith.

I have no control over this recent behaviour. Nothing seems to be working.

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timidviper · 19/03/2013 10:36

A bit OTT bit I think it's important that you don't back down, apologise and spoil her tonight, she does have to learn about consequences of bad behaviour.

I would have a chat with her as Sparkling said about why it happened and go from there according to her reaction and behaviour.

Believe me she will have forgotten about it by now and you feel far worse than she does

Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 10:37

I have got that book nipitinthebud, I read it again tonight.

You hit the nail on the head when you said I am trying to find ways to gain compliance. And clearly I'm failing.

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minimuffin · 19/03/2013 10:37

Oh it's an awful feeling isn't it? If I were you I would have a word with the teacher when you pick her up, check if her behaviour has been OK today, whether she has seemed quiet or upset - it'll make you feel better if they say she's been fine. Explain quickly to the teacher if you get time. Have school picked up on a change in her behaviour too?

Then have a calm chat with yr DD when you get home. When I lose it and feel that I have gone a bit overboard I apologise for that but explain why I was angry. So it's not saying "sorry I was angry" but more "sorry for the way I behaved when I was angry, but this is why I was angry, and this is what I need you to do more/less of". Agree with others who've said pick one consequence. A friend of mine deals with this by taking her DD's favourite thing of the moment off her - a DVD, toy or whatever - and putting it where she can see it but can't reach it. She then has to earn it back by good behaviour. Maybe worth a go?

Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 10:50

That's a better way of phrasing it. Normally I just say sorry for being cross.

Which I guess doesn't help her at all does it?

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Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2013 10:52

Yes, you need to get her to tell you why she thinks you were cross.

akaemmafrost · 19/03/2013 10:53

I think one of the golden rules as a parent is being able to apologise and say that you went too far. I think that is what builds a strong mutually respectful relationship but that is certainly not to say that you shouldn't make it quite clear how unacceptable her behaviour was this morning and in general.

Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 11:06

I talk to her when she gets in. Explain that I'm sorry for the way I behaved and that I was cross because of her behaviour.

I will give her comforter back to her, it's cruel to make her sleep without it.

Then I'll try to think of a strategy for future incidents. She doesn't care about losing things though - except for her comforter.

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Spero · 19/03/2013 11:10

Yes are with everyone who says explain and apologise. I do that with my daughter and I think it really works to promote understanding and emotional intelligence.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 19/03/2013 11:15

I have a dd who started school in sept and totally get where you are. They are treated like little adults at school and I think are trying to come to terms with it all.

Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 11:15

Is it normal for them to change so much when they start reception?

She's still good at school which I suppose is one thing.

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blibblibs · 19/03/2013 11:26

Watching with interest. Had a full scale meltdown this morning with reception DS and I told him he wasn't getting to go on holiday next week with us. Pointless!
He walked up to school saying he was going to go into the quiet tent to read himself a story
He's changed so much since school and I just don't know how to deal with it all.

EskSmith · 19/03/2013 11:28

Yes it is normal for them to do this I think DD1 was (& still is) really good at school and it was definitely a strain for her. My mum said to me that they lash out at home as a release and because they feel it is a safe place to do so. I guess this is good but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with!

If she doesn't respond to things being taken away (and I agree taking away her comforter could be counter productive!) then think about what else would motivate her, losing tv time? Or earning a special treat? Another thing that motivates my dd is computer time, I award her half an hour for good behaviour - either as a prompt - you can have some pc time for good behaviour whilst shopping, but also randomly - i.e. I was pleased with the way you helped your sister, would you like half an hour on the computer.

earlyriser · 19/03/2013 11:32

I think your daughter (and you for that matter) is probably reaching her limit in terms of tiredness and having to comply with rules day in, day out at school. I've just noticed my 7 year old dd turning into the stroppy, rude, eye rolling 'madam' that she always does close to the holidays.

Lots of rest and time just for her over Easter and she should be back to her lovely little self for another few weeks.

BornToFolk · 19/03/2013 11:44

Been there, done that with 5yo DS. He behaved appallingly on the way home from school the other day, refusing to walk, hitting, shouting, generally being obnoxious. I was so cross with him that I ended up taking away his football (it was a disagreement about the football that had started it all off), taking two pieces of pasta out of his pasta jar, trying to send him to the naughty step and sending him upstairs to think about his behaviour. Total over-reaction. It just escalates, the more I take away, the more upset he gets, the more he lashes out etc etc. I know this, but in the heat of the moment, it's easy to get carried away.

I should have just taken his football away. That was a natural consequence of behaving badly with it and it did sink in. I told him he wasn't allowed to take it to school for a week and today was the first day he was allowed it again and we had a chat about why I'd taken it and discussed how he was expected to behave.

The rest of it was just me being unfair really! I did apologise to him for over-reacting and he (unprompted) apologised to me for his behaviour and then he was back to his normal, happy self.

His behaviour has got worse since starting school too. I think it's a combination of picking up behaviours from other children (like being rude), being tired, coping with change and being expected to behave so well at school. It must be tough being in Reception! I do think I expect too much of him sometimes as he can act quite grown up. I have to remind myself that he's only 5 and can't be expected to behave well all the time.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 19/03/2013 11:45

Ime, it's a massive change for them and starting the road to independence

Original poster

retrorita · 19/03/2013 12:50

I hadn't thought of how being good at school all day might be affecting her.

I think I ask too much of her as well. She says sometimes 'I find it hard to be good all the time.'

This makes sense now when I factor school in.

Computer time is a good idea. I'm going to try that.

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