Despairing and depressed about DD's behaviour (4)

[bean612]

DD has always been strong-minded/hot-headed and still capable of epic tantrums, but since her brother was born 6 weeks ago I just don't know what to do with her any more. She is rude, spiteful (yes I know she's only 4, but she is capable of spite, believe me), aggressive, obstructive... you name it.

I realise it's tough to be an only child for 4 years and then suddenly have to share your parents, especially with a velcro baby who unfortunately needs feeding often and hates being put down. I've tried to give her lots of time with me, do things with her, make her feel special and loved and wanted more than ever. Give her cuddles and little treats and spend as much time as possible reading with her, playing with her, drawing with her etc. Some days she is lovely. But other days, honestly, I don't actually like her. At all.

Then of course I feel guilty. Guilty that it's my fault she feels this way, guilty at not being able to put down DS very much so she can have more of me, guilty for not liking her when she's like this. On the other hand, how far can I make allowances for her? Should I just put every last awful screamy, horrible, violent, impossible episode down to adjustment to her brother, and therefore let it ride with no consequences, or can I (should I?) draw the line somewhere and say 'this is not acceptable behaviour'? As I said, she was like this before DS was born, indeed long before I was even pregnant, so it's not like it's ALL about him. But of course some of it is. At the moment I look forward to the times she's at preschool, and dread the weekends. Which is just wrong. What can I do?

I'm not sure there is a magic solution honestly. I'm struggling with my 4yr old DD at the mo as well without a new baby, so I do feel for you.
I think they still need boundaries - and firm ones if you have the energy, so yes I would try to do the ignore annoying bad behaviour, reprimand dangerous or aggressive behaviour and LOTs of rewards for good behaviour.
Do you have any help? My sister will sometimes take my kids out as a reward or treat - they love to be treated as the Big Girl going out with auntie, so maybe a short term but achievable goal?
I was thrilled DD was a t pre-school, so don't feel bad about tthat - it's continuity, an element of routine that's just for her, isn't about the baby etc.
Now, if you have a magic solution to stop my DD torturing us at night that would be splendid .

Wow, I could gave written that myself, word for word. Have 4 yo Dd1 & 12 week old DD2 & really struggling with her being aggressive to DD2, nasty, rude & dismissive to me, DH & all grandparents, it's awful. We are also trying to completely ignore it & really praise good behaviour, but it doesn't seem to be making much difference. Sorry I don't gave any answers for you, just to let you know you're not alone. Hopefully someone will be along with a magic cure soon!

You are going to need the patience of a saint but it will get better

Yes boundaries but cut her some slack too

Hope you are getting loads of support, sleep and good food to get you through this tricky time x

I think it's about balance and picking your battles. Boundaries are important plus they make children feel secure, which is why she is testing them! Good luck, I will be in the same position in the not too distant future! Gulp!

So similar to my post apart from ages!

Bloody hell, I love ds1 sao much but I also sometimes just feel so irritated with him and then immediately guilty.