4 yo not going to sleep in his new bed...husband supporting him

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We bought my 4yo a fantastic cabin bed. For about 4 months he slept in it fine and loved it. Recently he has decided that it is too high and he doesn't like sleeping in it. He started to stay awake until around 8:30pm (normally he goes off straight away at 7).

Ds has always liked sleeping in our bed, I had a period in hospital and my husband let ds sleep with him. Plus any fuss from ds, illness or bad dream my husband brings him into bed with us...I tend to then get grumpy, tell him its not right he should learn to stay in his own bed. So ds knows he can get away with sleeping in different rooms.
So when ds suddenly decided his bed was too high he asked to sleep on the spare bed in the playroom. I said no. My husband let him! We had a huge row then the next night I made ds sleep in his own room, again he didn't go to sleep until late, then my husband put him into the playroom he goes to sleep straight away.
DH said its not worth fighting it, if he doesn't like his bed its not worth forcing him to sleep in it. DH is talking about cutting the legs off the cabin bed to make it lower!!!!! Most kids would love this bed and he is very lucky to have it, so it makes me totally mad. Ds had now been sleeping in the play room for about a month.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I give in and let him stay in the playroom bed?
DH is going to be away for the next three nights...is this a chance for me to get ds to sleep in his own bed again?

4 seems young for a cabin bed, I thought the advice was not for under 6? Why does this matter to you, us it worth making it into an issue if your ds is getting distressed?

4 year olds often get scared which it sounds like yours is if he sleeps fine in the playroom. What you spent on the bed is irrelevant to him! I think your dh is right you obviously value the bed as it is but your four year old isn't going to share your awareness of aesthetics or cash.

Chop the legs off:)

If he liked the higher bed at first but went off it, could he have given himself a fright slipping on the ladder or perhaps be worrying that something lives in the 'cave' under the bed that will get him in the night?

Could you swap the beds, so he gets used to the cabin bed as something he plays around during the day, he may then want to sleep in it when he's a bit older.

IMO 4 is too young for a high bed.

Swap the beds round. Honestly - this is not worth a battle with your ds and your DH. You will have to pick your battles as your Ds gets older, you really don't want to be falling out over something like this now.

I agree with rustybear.

I'd swap the beds too. Make a tent under the cabin bed in the play room and leave it there for now.

What's the point in making life hard for yourself and ds.

I agree with your DH and think swapping the beds round for the time being would be a good solution. I don't think my 4 year old would like a high bed and she often has nightmares which means she comes into my bed. That would obviously be tricky if she had to climb down.

Aside from that it's not good when one parent obviously undermines another parent so I'd probably have words with DH about that but relent on the bed issue.

Cakethrow - To be fair to the OP's DH If there is any undermining it is mutual undermining. He says it's fine for their DS to sleep where he's comfortable and the OP is arguing against this.

I believe in the path of least resistance with children (there are enough battles to be had). If your DS will sleep in the other bed I'd be inclined to let him. As people have said set the cabin bed up as an exciting and interesting place and he'll want to use it in a while.

I'm losing a very handy playroom today so the DDs (4 and 2) have their own rooms. Their bedtimes routines are conflicting and sharing is not working

Your DH absolutely should be supporting him.

Children don't generally lie awake in bed every night just to be awkward and then fall asleep as soon as they move to a different one. He is clearly anxious about something to do with the cabin bed. Could you sleep in a bed which was making you feel frightened? I know I couldn't.

Children have vivid imaginations and no amount of telling them that they are safe and there is nothing bad under the bed, in the wardrobe, etc is going to stop them creating dreadful realities in their own head.

You are actually very lucky. Your DS just needs to be in a different bed to feel safe and you have that bed readily available. Some children are scared to be alone in the room full stop.

If I were you I would go with the flow. Swap the beds if the bed is the problem or let him keep using the spare room for a while if the room it the problem.

I'm on the other side of this situation.

Ds (age 5yo) likes to come into our bed at night. What happens from my point of view is that:

1. He wakes.
2. He walks through to our room, vaguely disturbing me (but not dh), puts an arm round me and is almost always straight back to sleep, and I fall asleep quickly too.

Or.

1. He wakes.
2. He cries loudly waking me up, and possibly his big sisters (but not dh).
3. I go through to him.
4. He then takes ages to go back to sleep and I either end up rather uncomfortable in his bed, or staying away until he's fully asleep. He may wake again repeating the pattern.

Now here's the rub: If we do the first one, which dh doesn't like. He feels secure and is much less likely to wake, and even if he does he may well switch his light on and go back to sleep.
If we do the second, he feels insecure and has difficulty settling at night, is more likely to wake up at night and also gets worried about being on his own during the day.

I could at number 3 on the second example, insist dh goes through to him. It doesn't really work because dh takes about 20 minutes to wake up after the first noise. So by the time he goes through everyone (except dh) is fully awake and ds is distraught.

My girls had midsleepers (with a slide and a den underneath) from age 4yo and have loved them, so he's not too young. Midsleepers are fine from 4yo (or were when dd1 was that age), it's the high sleepers that are 6yo.

But I would let him sleep in the playroom as long as it's not an excuse to get out of bed and play. It sounds like he's got himself into a state round the cabin bed, so treating it calmly and respecting his feelings will be the best way of him feeling secure enough to go back to sleeping in it. Make it a fun den for him.

Thank you so much everyone. I however feel terrible now. It seems that I have not seen this from his perspective. As he has gone to school this year I often forget how young he is and expect too much from him.

I've had a chat with my dh and we are considering these options;

• Keep him in the playroom and let him use the cabin bed in his bedroom for play
• Take the cabin bed down and replace with a normal bed, keep the cabin bed for when he is a bit older and is happy to have it back again.

I really appreciate all your opinions, they have really changed my view.

Its so hard being a Mum sometimes and knowing the right thing to do.

DeWe, I think you need to have a chat with dh as although he doesn't like option 1 it doesn't seem to bother his nights sleep too much, whereas option 2 is disturbing and upsetting everyone but him! Perhaps he needs to see things from a different perspective too!

Don't worry. We do option 1. Told him that it's my sleep, my choice. He occasionally moans about it if he wakes in the morning and finds ds there, but that's it.

We're all muddling through trying our best. I'm quite happy to have DD1 in my bed but DH isn't so keen (she's a wriggler though. Dh works away half the time so there's plenty of room for her when he's gone, but when he's back we all including DD1 get a bad night).

But I need to get DD2 out of the room so I have the time and space to help DD1 settle. I'm halfway through tidying the toy room now. Nearly ready to move the beds around.

DD1 is 4 and she's doing a little regression at the moment. She's only just started wanting teddies at night/in the car and has been wanting her milk in a bottle. I wonder if all the talk of starting 'proper' school soon is unsettling her even though she goes to the preschool 2.5 days a week, is your son at the same point?

Hi Elfycat

My son started school last sept, he was only just four (August baby) so he seemed too young for school really. He was generally okay and handled it much better than we thought he would - the bed was part of being more grown up and going to school. He did however start to have nightmares, in fact most of my friends kids did all at the same time, only for a while and nothing too awful. This was also way back last Autumn so I don't think that influenced his change of heart about the bed since this has been more recent.

He does ask every night if he can sleep in with us and occasionally says he doesn't like being on his own. But when he's in his own bed he can see dd in bed down the corridor which they used to like and I pointed out he wasn't alone as he was with dd.

So I think we've decided to get him a normal bed in his room until he can handle the cabin bed (btw I think it is a mid-sleeper as it doesn't seem too high, its not high like bunk beds, it only comes up to my ribs and the kids cannot stand up underneath).