Disciplining a Stressy 10yr Old Without Making Her Ill... :(

[rockinhippy]

Does anyone else have this problem & is so, how do you deal with it??

Basically my DD is a really good kid, we are really lucky in that she really cares about getting things right, works hard in school, prides herself of not breaking school rules etc, but of course she is human & a growing dramatic, pree teen so is going to make mistakes & we have to step in & put her right, but due to health problems (IBS & JHMS) & her personality being that once she realises she has done wrong, NO-ONE is harder on her than she is - cue her doubled up with stomach pain & diarrhoea & my feeling like crap for disciplining her at all & she's been so ill in the night she is now missing school :(

Yesterday it came to light that she had been repeatedly dishonest with both me & her Dad, this has caused untold problems & a lot of embarrassment for myself & to some degree her Dad too -

basically she was worrying about my having a hospital test, which as I knew it was going to make me ill & i would need to rest & also because her Dad was home to take over, we sat her down & explained it all & thought she was okay & though naturally concerned, not overly worried & knew she could talk to us if she was. -

Next thing I know I have one of her school friends stopping me & telling me my DD was in floods of tears at school & is very frighten & worried about my having a "massive operation" - followed by sympathy from several parents including this DCs parents stopping DH & offering help as they've been told I need major surgery & I'm very ill -

when we spoke to DD about this, she was horrified, blaming her friend for eaves dropping on a conversation DD had, had with another good friend & gossiping with the rest of the class - insists she was worried, but not that worried & the girls were sort of sharing troubles & bonding, but insisting she had not told this particular girl anything directly & she was cross about it - we took her at her word as she is normally so honest - every time the subject came up again with the other DCs DM asking if I was okay, others offering help etc we also kept giving DD the opportunity to speak up & tell the truth, knowing she wouldn't be in trouble if she did - she insisted her version was the truth.

So as the situation was becoming more embarrassing, especially as after this happened, the test results show I do probably need surgery, though wont know until a follow up appointment, but its of a very personal nature & not something I'm happy about talking about with anyone who asks, besides we don't actually know exactly what yet & it won't be for a long time anyway -

so having spoken with my DD again & I as I keep feeling very uncomfortable with the lovely DM of the girl who in DDs version, eaves dropped & gossiped & blew it all out of proportion, DD not wanting me to invite this girl along to other activities that I know help out her DM, but invite others, which I've also felt uncomfortable with, so I thought it best to be honest with her DM so as we've always got on really well, I emailed her a diplomatically worded message, explaining the situation as I knew it to be - her reply was short to say the least, she's obviously very offended, has spoken with her DD p, who has denied everything, insists she was telling the truth etc etc - finished with I will tell her to keep away from your DD from now on.

I spoke with my DD again - who now after nearly 2 weeks - breaks down in floods of tears & tells me she didn't tell me the truth & that she did talk to a few of the girls, including this girl as she was worried & she was worried I would need surgery - though still insists she wasn't crying, wasn't very upset, just sharing worries with the other girls as they all were & didn't say massive surgery -

she was deeply upset with her friend for telling tales to me, he also says she didn't want to tell me & have me worried about her worrying about my being ill, but she could have spoked to DH, which she had no answer for - she genuinely didn't see how wrong her actions were - having sat her down & explained it all to her, asking her how she would feel if she had spoken out to a friends DM because she meant well & was worried about her friend & we have come down hard on her with sanctions, because I won't tolerate dishonesty & she needs to know that it getting to this stage before she tells the truth comes with consequences - so no electronics of any sort for a week along with not treats, sweets etc -

but nothing I can do, punishes her more than she punishes herself, she is so disappointed in herself, she is stressing & has made herself ill - TBH this also answers the mystery of a few other stomach flare ups this week or so, as she was bottling up the worry over lying to me - in fairness there were other problems with this other girl, DD is finding her over exhuberance & need to be the center of attention hard to bare, including her shouting at DD a lot if my DD makes any mistakes in sport, school work etc - my DD insists these are still true, I do belive her as its happened in the past & he has owned up to school staff of being envious of DDs natural ability to learn easily & DD being good at a lot of things she is under pressure to be good at & I do still belive it was all over dramatic - probably on both parts - 10 yr old girls & all that [rolls eyes] - aargh!

But this has all made me realise that we are in for a very rocky ride, as my own DD makes herself so ill stressing over doing any wrong & I can see that we need to have better coping strategies than we do - we are not shouters & screamers & TBH I can see that DD being an OC & not used to conflict at home, does also make her oversensitive to shouting, as she can think I'm shouting at her, when I'm definitely not, but being firm, because I'm telling her off - part of JHMS is anxiety, but from what I can see that tends to be when the exhaustion kicks in & her lax joints play up & make her unsure of her own body & coordination etc - this is likely to get worse with hormones, as will us needing to pull her up on behaviour

Excuse the waffle, rough night with her being ill, hope it all makes sense & any advice appreciated

TIA :)

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl though I can understand that her recent behavior has been challenging for you. I think you are right to be sensitive to her health issues and take a gentle approach with her.
I find the ideas I've learnt about through Hand in hand parenting to be very useful. It's really about a way of listening to our children that can turn around off-track behavior with a very loving positive approach. Have a look at their website. There is a set of 7 booklets you can buy as a download from the store which I found really useful.

Hope you both get well soon

What really matters is that you are unwell and your DD is worried and upset about you. I honestly think the rest is a big fuss over nothing.

All you needed to do was smile and say to her friend "oh it's not quite as bad as that". Take away the consequences and give your DD a big hug and be honest about your health, and don?t worry if she exaggerates sometimes when she vents her feelings to her schoolfriends.

I'm not sure that discipline is needed here. She has obviously suffered through her 'lies' so I would have a real heart to heart instead.
This appears to have all started off by her being really worried by your health issues. Did you explain the situation as well as you could have? I know you say you thought she was OK with it but she obviously wasn't. She needed someone to talk to about it and didn't feel that she could - for whatever reason - with either you or your DH. She picked a friend. It's unlikely that you will ever know exactly what she told the friend, who overheard it, who told who what etc. She will have learnt a valuable lesson about friendships, trust and gossip. You say that this is out of character for your DD, so I would put that down to her being really unsure of the whole situation. Make sure that she really knows that she can talk to you or your DH about anything, and tell her that you really trust her to be more careful about discussing family matters with her friends in the future.

sometimes it's easier to discuss what you're feeling with someone who isn't in the same cauldron of emotion as you are. Perhaps your DD thought she couldn't go to her dad because he'd do the 'parent thing' (as my DS has called it in the past) and try to gloss over her fears instead of really talking about them.
I would really have taken the route of helping her find a better way of dealing with her fears, rather than punishment for misjudgement under stress. I hate lies, but I'd be more concerned that she didn't feel she could talk to one of her parents.

I'm not comfortable with this. My dd was in reception accused of making up stuff about another child, her parent came after me. I assumed there was a middle ground and had several very serious conversations about it with dd, who got very upset.

After a couple of weeks, I was called in to school and all was cleared up with my dd proved totally univolved. But it was a very nasty time for my dd. She was having nightmares and all sorts, it also lost her confidence around other children which she didn't recover from really, and she's now in year 7. It gave her serious trust issues with other children.

Surely the fact that other parents were coming up to you would have given you the hint that it wasn't one child overhearing?

I would suspect that part of her stress was facing up to the other girls who would know that she had told you the stuff. She needs to be apologising to her, preferably in writing, I assume that as soon as she told you, you contacted the other parent to apologise?

But the bit that really resonates with me is the bit where you're trying to justify what she did to the other girl by basically being nasty about the other girl. That's what the other parent did to my dd. It wasn't her dd's fault because she was sure my dd had done something first. . And that's been the way she's always dealt with her dd being found to have done something-accuses the other child of doing something nasty first.

Please make sure that the other family is aware that she has told you now and apologise with her. It won't have been easy for them dealing with it.

Sounds like this situation has got completely out of proportion. Your DD is still only 10 and still quite young. She was obviously worried about you and wanted to share this with her friends and things got out of hand and they fed off the drama of it all. Did you tell you DD that she was not to discuss this with friends at school? I think you have to take some responsibility for this mess if not because you can't have expected her know it was private.

There was a really good article in The Times on Sat about kids who worry with great advice

Thanks everyone :)

clouds & Grants Thank you - I will look into both of those - thank you :)

Excuse me not replying to each personally, but will try & answer a few points/questions..

Yes we had sat her down & explained it to her, as much as she needed to know as far as the test went at least, though I probably should have realised that she can almost be too bright at time & is obsessed with all things medical, loves watching medical stuff on TV & reading about it, so maybe I should have preempted her guessing surgery might be needed, but as she can be such a worrier & has a bad habit of mistakenly taking responsibility for things, it was a very difficult call - it's a childbirth injury, which as I have other health problems, dating from not long after she was born, but not related to my having her at all & I've already had to deal with her doing the maths a few years ago & then eating herself up with blame for my being ill we do have to be very careful what & how much we tell her - though I can see we perhaps got it a bit wrong this time :(

That said, since I had her school friend spill the beans to me, especially as it was over dramatised & as a result I was very very worried that despite her protests, that my DD was worrying a lot more than she was letting on, so we have spoken with her more & we've made sure she's spent time with alone other people that she can & does talk to - they pretty much reported back the same as she told us, she was a bit worried on the day of the test & didn't like to see me ill afterwards & didn't want me to know that she was fretting, as she thought it would worry me when i was ill, but that she wasn't THAT worried & knew I was okay really & just needed rest & a bit more help & that it was all going to help me in the long run anyway, even if I did need an operation. She also repeated that her & a group of the girls were all sharing worries, so seems it was a bit of a bonding exercise too.

There did need to be some form of punishment, as she has repeatedly been dishonest to me & though I can now see it was because she was angry & felt let down by her friend who in DDs eyes told tales & in doing so worried me more when I was ill, which is exactly what DD was trying her best to avoid, it doesn't make her actions okay - she repeatedly lied & in doing so caused far more problems all round & made her friend look like a liar & possibly got her into trouble at home too :( - though we now know her stressiness is not just about her feeling bad for doing wrong, though it is in part & DD being DD will punish herself anyway, even if we don't - she gave back a pair of earrings I had just given her, saying she didn't deserve them anymore. - Though now I know the real reason she was so panicked & making herself ill, I have now cut back on some on the punishment & let her chat with a couple her friends using my Ipad.

DeWe you are reading way more into my post than I have written & have get DDs part in it very wrong, also my trying to justify & being nasty about the other girl, I was not - though as my DD has been through exactly what you describe with your own DD & more, for longer & it has affected her confidence very badly, I can now see that you do have a point, but not in the way that you meant to - DD HAS made card both for the girl & her DM - her idea - she has also written an apology letter to her friend & bought her a small gift, which she will give her when back at school/school reopens - also her idea - & yes I have updated & apologised to the other DM via email - though I have had no reply at all, so as of yet I'm unsure how she is taking it, but it doesn't look too good.

I now know DDs panic was because she thinks/thought the others would all hate her & turn against her again - hence why I'm letting her keep in touch

Not least because when she was going through an awful time with bullying at school & she was not only ostracised from the whole group, but hounded when she took herself off to play with others instead & the group stuck together & all blamed DD - initially believed by the school - this girl was very much the side kick of the gangs ring leader & did eventually own up to picking on DD & being jealous of her - thankfully things calmed down a lot & this girl saw the error of her ways - she also ended up being targeted & bullied by the class queen B for a while - & then apologised to DD & myself, & they've been mostly okay since, bar the other girl still shouting & bossing DD & still sometimes showing signs of jealousy& being a bit attention seeking, all of which my DD very maturely puts down to the girl being under a lot of pressure to do well in school, lots of extra tuition etc etc - so mostly lets it go - but panicked at the idea she would tell their other friends what DD had done & they would all turn against DD again :(

hope I've covered everything - DD seems MUCH brighter now she's chatted with her other friends & knows they still her friends, but I will be looking into the info posted - thank you