Angry 10 year old - help

[angryboysmum]

My DS1 is a lovely caring sensitive boy but he has a temper on him. Up until now he's just been cheeky and will argue his point in an argument.

There was an incident at school last week though that I'm not sure how best to deal with.

According to the school he was playing tig and another boy and him started name calling which escalated to this other little boy saying to DS "at least my little brother isn't dead" (DS2 was stillborn a few years ago). This isn't the first time this boy has said this to DS1 and according to him he'd had enough so he kicked the boy but he kicked him three or four times. He admitted to the headteacher that he was so angry with the boy that he lashed out, he said to her that this other little boy uses the fact that DS2 was stillborn as something against him because he knows DS1 reacts to it.

Now DS1 was completely out of order for how he reacted - I'm not condoning this for one minute - he was in the wrong. We've spent the majority of the weekend discussing what happened and how we can stop it happening again. DS1 admitted that it made him so angry that he couldn't control himself - this is what scares me. He has been put on a 6 month probation at school - anymore incidents in that six months and its an automatic half day suspension.

He's being punished for what happened - thats not my issue. I just want to find the best way possible going forward to help him.

I'm looking to the wise mums of mumsnet for ideas - where do I start, how can I help him with his anger?

shameless bump

1. what is the school doing about the inflammatory behaviour of the other boy?
   Is it acknowledged, verified and dealt with as well? (ie: is the school dealing with this in the most appropriate manner?)

2. Why does a 10 year old have to be burdened with such history? How does he know if it was a few years ago? why is it still hanging over him?
   Sorry i don't mean to be insensitive and I have a highly volatile anxious child myself so I know how even unsaid things can deeply scar and linger.
   (ie: have you dealt with it the best way you can as a family? maybe family therapy would help?)

x

1. as far as I'm aware the other boys parents have been spoken to.

2. DS1 was 7 when DS2 was stillborn. He was fully aware of what happened because he knew I went into hospital to have his brother and didn't come home with him - this had to be explained to him. He also attended his brothers funeral. The whole school knew that this happened and it was even more apparent after two other classmates lost their younger brothers over the last year as well. Grief and bereavement is something that the class covered. He regularly talks to DS3 about DS2, what he looked like and how he is now a star.

Yes after DS2 was born we attended family therapy. It was something that helped us all but perhaps this incident is highlighting how deeply it did affect DS1.

Oh your poor DS, sounds like he had good reason to get angry.

I have a 9 year old DS who also struggles with his temper and has kicked off over much less.

I know its not ideal that he kicked the other boy but maybe this will finally get the message through to the other boy that DS will not tolerate him talking about his brother in that way.

You sound like a very loving family and that DS is comfortable talking to you about his brother.

To me, it sounds like your DS maybe needs some more professional help. The problem with major grief and children is that they deal with things as appropriate to their age, as well as what's happening around them - so it can take quite a long time to work through things. You mentioned DS3, the birth of DS3 may well have highlighted the absence of DS2 and acted as a trigger for DS1.

Anger is part of the grieving process and if DS1 is raw for whatever reason, the anger he is displaying towards the unpleasant little wide up merchant may well be because this child is a convenient outlet for the internal anger DS1 may be feeling (over the loss of DS2).