22mo's increasingly violent tantrums, now hits himself too

[TiddlyOmPomPom]

Please can anyone tell me how to cope with this, or if you've experienced it too?

DS has always been a 'high need' baby, and a big screamer, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that he's quite different to his contemporaries re tantrums.

Most of our NCT group have boys, and they're all within a month of each other. By and large, they're pretty calm and good at playing in the same space (if not with each other!), and if they have a tantrum it's usually just crying and maybe throwing a toy down, or taking the occasional swipe at someone.
I do of course understand that I don't see them on their own, maybe they're worse, but the other mums are very honest and I really don't think they're misleading me.

In contrast, DS bites, kicks, pinches and scratches, screams, lays on the floor thrashing, headbutts, throws himself down (often hitting his head) and other objects, and recently has started hitting himself in the head a lot with his hands or with hard objects.
I've managed to avoid him biting other children for the last month or so, but he'll often manage to bite me, and often really hurts me with a headbutt in the face. Earlier today DH was watching while I held DS mid tantrum, and DS apparently looked and aimed before headbutting me in the jaw - it's still out of place a bit now, can't open my mouth fully!

I find his tantrums utterly exhausting, my heart sinks when he starts.
Often the only way to calm him down is hypnotising him with CBeebies, I used to bf to calm him but we've reduced to only morning feeds and I don't want to increase them again.
We always say the same thing; "No hitting, please don't hurt Mummy, no that hurts," etc etc, but it doesn't really register with him.

Apart from the tantrums, he's sweetness and light, with a side order of whinginess - like any other toddler really!

Have any of you had a similar experience? How on earth did you deal with it?

Does he get enough sleep? How's his speech?

TBH you sound like you're saying too much. If he hits, be swift. A firm "no hitting", put him down and walk away. Keep it short and firm.

Also teach him signs or keep speech simple when dealing with him. Two clear choices to make life simple for him.

Also less tv and get him outside more.

Poor you. I really sympathise. It is miserable and really hard work. My now 4yo DS was a bit like this, although not a biter, definitely a hitter and would hold his breath and go blue for good measure! I agree with Iggly on the fewer words the better point, I realised at one point I was saying far too much. His speech was always quite advanced for his age and I presumed far too much about his ability to understand complex statements, particularly when in a rage. I got to a point where, if at home, I would either walk out of the room - as Iggly says - or, if that room happened to be the kitchen or somewhere else unsafe, pick him up and take him to his room, shut the door and wait outside. I might get flamed for this but I found he calmed down significantly quicker. I would wait by the door and open it every minute or so and say something like, I'm here and I'm ready for a cuddle if you are. Once he'd calmed down to sobbing rather than lashing out phase I would cuddle him and say again 'we don't hit' and then distract (as is so often the advice) by doing something funny or picking up a book. I was always absolutely amazed by how quickly he could go from raging bull to happy and smiling again as if nothing had happened. And, of course, he will improve! By 3 we were down to one strop a month maximum (and very very minor in comparison with a year earlier) and by 4 by DS is really charming and is horrified when his younger sister flies in to a (much less bad fortunately) tantrum!!

This sounds just like my ds1 who is 2.5 - he is a real biter and bites himself in rage.

I am tearing my hair out - he bit a friend's little girl so hard on Friday that he went through her nail- just terrible. He hit a boy over the head with a train and then bit him at a toddler group on Thursday. Believe me I am a helicopter mother and hover over him but he is very quick.

He throws toys, crayons, shoes, drinks whatever when he's in a rage. I am now very fearful of taking him anywhere - there is always an incident and until I feel a bit more in control I just can't face it and when I do start again I am going to keep it very low key so it's not too busy and there are less opportunities to fight etc.

I have resolved to crack down on his discipline all round. I've bought the confident toddler care book by super nanny as I am desperate to sort his behaviour out.

My son's speech isn't that great so we've also resolved to work on that - sometimes another child will instigate something and then my ds completely overreacts and bites them. I'm praying that when he can talk a bit better he will come and tell me what had gone on.. Instead of sorting it out his way. I can only hope

If I'm honest I think I maybe use cbeebies a bit too much. Super nanny says no more than 30 minutes a day but I completely sympathise when you have a difficult child you are desperate for some (any) peace. Today however I didn't have the tv on at all. We had a major tantrum in the supermarket and then another one at home but the naughty step worked after a fashion so I'm hoping after a week I may see an improvement.
Good luck try the book

You could be describing my DS with your post. He can be utterly delightful and very loving but his temper tantrums are something off the scale compared to other kids. Even his nursery have commented on it and can't suggest a solution as he couldn't less about being put in time out there or at home. Infact, he has been known to hit me and promptly puts himself in time out.

I still have to watch him like a hawk at softplay etc and sometimes don't take him out as can't face the physical meltdown if he doesn't want to go home when I'm ready. He bit my ear once so hard mid temper tantrum I nearly dropped him.

No real answer from me sorry other than to say you're not alone. I have found a slight improvement as he's got older (3 soon) and as bad as it sounds, bribery. If we're going somewhere I warn him "no fuss, no hitting, no kicking, no head butting or no (whatever activity is) and we will go home / no cbeebies " etc. Has varying degrees of success but I'm clinging onto the hope that he is improving slightly and this will continue as he matures.

Hope things do improve for you. It is really, really hard work!

Thank you all so much for replying, DH and I feel so alone on this, with the other children we know being so 'good' in comparison.

I think the TV has definitely been a crutch, and we are both making a concerted effort to keep it off. I'm just coming out the other side of PND and am starting to realise that my crapness has caused some of his issues.

He doesn't have many words yet, he's definitely frustrated on that score. He's probably got about 15/20 words, mostly Duck and Choo Choo etc, and can say things like "bye bye duck" when we leave the park.

He's also been teething almost constantly since he was 2mo, and he def bites more when he's sore, but then he also def does it out of anger.

He sleeps well at night, usually from 7:15/30pm to 06:30/07:15ish if we're lucky. He does get night terrors sometimes, the only thing that helps is boob, otherwise he screams his heart out until he exhausts himself.
He's started to delay his morning nap til after lunch, and doesn't settle as easily as he used to. Prob sleeps for 45 mins to an hour now, whereas a month of two ago he was having a two hour morning nap.

I'd say he needs a midday nap. If he's only having one morning nap he'll be as cranky and wired as hell come the afternoon. Try shifting it to 1230.