DS gave a boy a black eye at nursery...

[florenceuk]

This is the 3rd time he's actually hit someone hard enough to leave a mark. Has generally always been a "challenging" child, who pays very little attention to authority and has very little impulse control. In this case, the child pushed him so he whacked him with a wooden hoop - unfortunately headmistress saw it! I have told him over and over again no hitting, pushing and fighting but he plays with a group of boisterous boys and they seem to spend all their time doing this - and he is one of the worst. I can't think what to do - already constantly telling him off at home, and removing dangerous objects from his grasp. But he just seems to spend his whole time pretend fighting and battling - it's wearing me down! We went on holiday with a group of families and spent the whole time supervising and pulling him away from fighting the other boys on the trip (who were bigger but less vicious). We have already removed sweets and chocolate from his diet and tried to ensure he gets lots of sleep. Any ideas?

I'm sort of in the same situation as you are, though my son is 4 and a half, I have to watch him constantly for fear of him hitting another child, which happens quite alot recently!

The worst is if he hits someone with an object (last week he hit his cousin with a plastic spade), and of course I can't watch him when he's at school! (Have daily reports from teacher!).

In desperation I picked up the book Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph, and this has helped me understand a bit of what he is going through, how old is your son?

Actually the same age (4.5). What does your teacher advise? If it were me, I would never have let DS have a wooden hoop!

The teacher doesn't advise anything! She just said she would write in the book when he has been naughty so I would know that he had to sit with he. She is very young and I feel that as he has just started school they should put under 6s with more experienced teachers.

The book explains that children that age need to know, whose in charge; what are the rules; and will the rules be fairly enforced, otherwise boys feel insecure and jostle with each other to establish the pecking order!

Sometimes I feel that I am making excuses for his behaviour and that he should know better, but then again at his nursery (in the same school) he showed no agression.

Its wearing me down too, I have to think twice about accepting invitations as I know he'll ususally do something. My son has an older brother (12) and they fight and play fight alot, its a male thing but I don't know what the school expects and I wish I could be with him at school to see for myself if they are missing something.

What sort of discipline do you use? I tried getting him to behave in exchange for much wanted DVD (Narnia) and this worked temporarily, but this week we are back to square one and he has been agressive again. I am thinking of saying no DVDs or TV for each day he is bad at school - is this enough or do I need a better punishment?

ds went through a stage of getting into trouble at play time recently (he is 5) and I was called to see the head. He was sent to her office and made to stand 'on the wall' a few times instead of playing before I saw her.

I find with him rewarding good behaviour works alot better than trying to punish bad. I don't have much trouble with him at home although he easily gets over excited at parties etc.

Anyway I told the head I had started a chart to reward good behaviour - a smiley face or a sad face which he had to draw himself (3 per day). At the end of the week he gets pocket money which is reduced for sad faces also he was promised a trip to Legoland at Easter if he got mainly happy faces.

It definitely seemed to work as the teacher also began to draw a face in his book at the end of the day so if it was sad he would have to draw it on his chart. His behaviour has really improved and he is hardly ever in trouble now. The head said if the school and parent work together a positive result is likely as the child has no where else to go. It really seems to have worked with him.

I have read what you have written with interest. Have you thought of trying to get to do more physical activity which is more structured and required some self discipline, for example Judo, football. Sometimes when they are as you describe they just have too much energy for their own good and are just trying to get it out of their system!

The other thing to remember is 4/5 year old boys seem to have a surge in agression and physicallity and another at 7 and then other in their teens.

Today he bit someone! Teacher says he seems confused to why he does it, it's annoying not being able to see what actually happened.

I find banning tv etc good for a while but I always find myself back at square one too!

Star chart sounds good, I will suggest to the teacher that she does it too.

Additives and E numbers aren't just in sweets and chocolate, how about looking at just very plain pure food for a few weeks and see if that makes any difference ?