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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

2 year old prefers everyone else to me

10 replies

pinkoyster · 07/03/2013 15:51

That's it really. It's very upsetting for me-he will literally sob if he's passed to me from DH/DMIL/DM and screams 'mummy nooooo!'..

I had DS2 10 weeks ago, and I guess it ties in with that, and I'm not trying to take it personally but it really is heartbreaking. He even goes as far as to tell me not to sit next to him when we're having dinner, and to leave the room. I try as hard as I can to keep everything normal, and not hug/kiss Ds2 too much in front of him but am ebf Ds2 so it's hard to minimise contact...

I have a mother's help a few hours per day, and he even prefers her to me. He doesn't want to come home if she's taken him for a walk, and literally sobs and runs away when I open the door to them. He starts nursery in a few weeks, and I'm actually worried he won't want to come home with me at the end of his session.

My heart is completely breaking-we used to be so close, he was almost my shadow. I like the fact he's independent, but not to the extent where he rejects me :( :(

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Original poster

pinkoyster · 07/03/2013 15:51

*trying not

OP posts:

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 07/03/2013 19:17

Did you have other people play with him when you first had DC2? When DH was on paternity leave he spent every minute with DS and he's become his new best friend, he only wants him to play and not me and wants me to do the boring stuff like change his nappy and put him into bed. I think they're just asserting their authority and developing opinions and finding their position in the family.

My advice would be try not to take it too personally and try and give him a little time when you can. I'm sure it's just a phase and it absolutely doesn't mean anything

pamelat · 07/03/2013 20:17

Bless you

It's because he loves you SO much

You are his world and the new arrival has made him heart broken, he' just needs to know that it doesn't change anything.

Spend some time alone with him

My dd did this a bit when ds was born

It passes

Original poster

pinkoyster · 07/03/2013 20:24

Yes, Nice, we purposely made sure the house was filled with others so DS1 wouldn't notice the new baby's arrival so much. Also DH took over putting him to bed, and getting him up which cut my contact with him. We spend all day together though, but I find I'm the ONLY one telling him no. DH lets him do whatever he wants, as does MIL, so naturally he prefers their company to mine. I find this really annoying actually.

Today he came back from MIL (kicking and screaming as he didn't want to come home/see me) covered in paint cos she'd let him paint her saucepan lids. At home I tell him he can't colour in the furniture/utensils but only on paper. So I'm boring in his eyes I guess.

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duchesse · 07/03/2013 20:26

My son, bless his grubby little cotton socks he's 19 now, told me several times at around the 2-2.5 mark: "I want you to die, Mummy, so that Daddy can come and look after me." I tried not to take it personally but it was hard. He doesn't seem to mind me now. DD3 (now 3.6) is also rather like this- only Daddy or one of her sisters will do. DD1 and 2 were mummy's girls. It's a bit easier with DD3 having been through it all with DS- I can almost entirely not take it personally. Take heart- he WILL grow through this. Just hang in there.

Original poster

pinkoyster · 07/03/2013 20:27

pamelat, I do spend time with him, really I do. But he just pushes me away, or screams he doesn't want to play with me. Like I posted above, it seems I am the only one enforcing boundaries, and he's beginning to hate me for it.

He's my absolute world-he was really high needs as a baby and in a weird way I miss him wanting me. I never thought he'd be so detached from me at the ripe old age of 2!!

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Original poster

pinkoyster · 07/03/2013 20:32

duchesse, thanks. I think if DS told me that, it really would tip me over the edge! You seem very strong though to have looked past it.

I also find it embarrassing in front of others as they probably think I am a terrible mother that he's refusing me. Mil made a point of saying she was late back this afternoon with him (she took him for a few hours so I could rest) as he cried and screamed 'no' when she said they were going to see me.

OP posts:

Iggly · 07/03/2013 20:37

He doesn't hate you.

You need to tell your DH and mil to enforce rules because they're a) making life hard for you and b) setting up trouble for when he gets older.

Bear in mind - he's doing this for a reaction and must have worked out that this gets a reaction from you. So ignore it. Completely ignore it.

And reintroduce you doing his bedtime.

When it's you and him, give him special chores to do. Tell him what to do and praise him for it. Less of the enforcing and "no don't do that" and more of positive enforcement - so tell him what he should do eg "that's lovely painting on the paper".

pamelat · 07/03/2013 22:03

I think the other people in his life need to set a few boundaries too.

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that you weren't spending time with him, just more to use the family support to have baby and do the fun stuff by yourself with ds? What's his favourite thing? Go for ice cream

He doesn't hate you. My son is two but my youngest and sometimes refuses me in preference of daddy or grandpa. It hurts but it's because they feel comfortable enough in your love to push you away temporarily

Nagoo · 07/03/2013 22:12

They are very very good at finding the exact right button to push. I second the advice to completely ignore the comments/ behaviour. Act like you are not bothered at all, it's the only way you are going to get the control back from him. He must feel very very secure to be able to push you away like this. Gain strength from that.

Googirl runs away from me at nursery, I'm sure the staff must think I take her home and lock her in a cupboard!

Ask DH to take over sometimes so you can be 'the fun one' for a bit. It's not good always having to be the serious, get things done type of one. If there's someone going to go down the big slide with him, let that be you, leave DH holding the baby for a while.

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