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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Tales of woe after school

8 replies

Sheila · 04/05/2006 13:36

My DS, aged 6, comes home every day with stories about school mates, both friends and enemies, who have said or done somehing to upset him. Usually the offence consists of someone laughing at DS's name, taking his free kick at football, breaking the building he's made out of lego etc etc.

I don't mean to make light of his troubles - he really feels these things, but I simply don't know how to respond. On a good day I just sympathise. Sometimes I tell him to ignore the teasing or suggest he tells his teacher if it seems like something more serious has happened.

On a bad day I get annoyed with frustration at not being able to do anything to help, and with bearing the weight of DS's troubles. I feel terribly guilty about getting cross and would hate for DS to feel he can't tell me these things, but what can I say to him?

I don't think these incidents amount to bullying, and when I see DS at school he seems happy and relaxed. He has a close group of friends who he generally loves.

I guess I just find it really hard to accept that in the end there's very little I can do - DS has to find a way to deal with these things.

Can anyone suggest a way that I can help DS to cope with this, which seems to me to be a part of life?

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 04/05/2006 14:01

Mine has a tendency to do this to, particularly when he is tired. Everytime I speak to DS's teacher, she says he is happy & popular with lots of friends to play with, so I try not to take it too much to heart.
Sorry, not to be much help. Never really sure what to do myself!

UKmum4 · 04/05/2006 14:30

dd is the same - although she is a little older now (10). I used to be very sympathetic and then started to realise that most of these things were vey minor incidents that should really be brushed off. I also noticed that she would retell her old favourite 'poor me' incidents when there was nothing really to say. I got a bit worried that she liked the attention. I found out that she went to the school councellor with these stories and got to sit and have a snack and a chat! all very cosy.

I try and insist that she finds some positive things to say now. I worry a little that she will spoil her friendships by moaning and being negative.

I am sure she is not being bullied either- i think she is hyper sensitive - if someone doesn't hear her she thinks she's being ignored etc.

all4girlz · 04/05/2006 14:35

me too
dd3 says a certain girl /s did not talk to her or played with her and is a bit upset but when I asked her teacher she said that dd3 is never on herown and mixes well -
I tend to concentrate on the positive things that have happened that day
and play the other things down

--bullying is no acceptable on any level and if it the same set of kids I would be tempted to have a word with his teachers so they can nip in the bud teachers can be very discreet dinner lades too f happening at lunch

all4girlz · 04/05/2006 14:36

me too ---in answer to bugsy not very quick typing !!!

fruitful · 04/05/2006 14:51

I have a book called "How to talk so Kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". The section on "helping kids deal with their feelings" says:

listen with your full attention
acknowledge by saying "mmm, I see, oh" etc to let them talk more and maybe get to their own solutions - they need sympathetic silence
name their feelings - "oh, that was a shock", "that made you feel sad / cross / frustrated" - all descriptive stuff, don't tell them they were wrong or suggest solutions. Having somebody agree that you felt sad for a good reason is sometimes all it takes to put it behind you.
fantasise with them - "wouldn't it be great if there was a kind of lego that built itself up again when it was knocked down" - don't get all logical ("it was only lego"). Or "I wish I could change the rules so everybody gets 50 free kicks".

All easier said than done, obviously.

The other thing I do is to ask "What was the best thing that happened today?" and when dd says something good - "mmm, was that the absolute best? or was there something even more fantastic?". But she is four; no experience of 6-yr-olds!

Skribble · 08/05/2006 01:22

My 6yr old has started telling me all about who isn't playing with who and that boys chased them and blah blah blah. I just let her get it all off her chest, oh and ah a bit as mentioned in step2, them try to get her to finish on a more positive note about something good that happened.

Earlybird · 08/05/2006 06:50

fruitful - what good advice. It sounds a very useful book.

Original poster

Sheila · 08/05/2006 11:35

Thanks for all these responses - I will buy the book! Thinking about it I guess often what I like when telling my troubles is to feel that someone cares - a sympathetic, non-intursive lsitener is wonderful. Often being offered advice is very annoying! Maybe DS feels the same.

I'll try harder not to get frustrated with him.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

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