5 year old dd hitting other children in school, help!

[Fakebook]

It's been brought to my attention that dd has been pinching in school and can be verbally mean to children.

I'm really embarrassed and don't know what to do. The teacher is being really cold with me too. The thing is we spoke about this the other day and I told her I'd like to know so I can set incentives for her everyday to be good in school, so I don't know why the teacher is being off with me, I'm trying my best to stop dd from doing this.

Also, from what I gather, dd is only lashing out with one girl, who happens to be her best friend. I've never heard her talk about pinching or shouting at anyone else. This girl can be quite clingy, so I'm wondering if dd is lashing out from frustration? Also the girls mother has admitted that her dd also hits her, and I've seen her punch her mum on the way out of school. I know dd has done a bad thing, but part of me thinks that the other girl also has a part to play in this, but dd is being punished instead?

Reading the above I probably sound really pfb, that my dd can't do anything wrong, but I've never had a big hitting problem like this with her before. Is it a phase? What can I do to stop her from getting angry and lashing out? I've already told her to take a deep breath and count to ten when she gets frustrated but it hasn't worked.

I don't want my dd to be labelled as a bully. I really want her to stop.

5 is old enough to be told you don't do it. No incentives necessary.

Get the teacher to separate the two girls in class.

Also, you say she's only hitting the one girl, but you also say she's pinching and being verbally mean to others.

So, the friend issue aside, dd needs a good talking to about her behaviour.

They've already been separated at play time. Her mother is always instigating meet ups too outside school and they've met each other every weekend for the past 2 weeks. Should I stop that too?

Believe me, she's had a very good talking to yesterday and again today. She knows its wrong. I don't know why she's gone and done it again the next day.

I'm not letting her get away with it or telling her "it's okay". She's not allowed to watch TV or play on the phone/laptop.

I don't know what else I can do.

Have you asked her why? There might be something going on between her and the rest of the class that you and the teacher aren't aware of? (I mean is it possible she is lashing out because she is being picked on in some way)

I would stop the meetings yes. I agree with Grapes in that something else might be going on...is she mixing with any other children during school? Or is she always with the same child? Also have there been any upsets at home lately? Changes?

I have asked her why, and its because "x wasn't sharing when I said please". It seems the girl takes something, and dd asks for it and the girl declines so dd tries to take it by force. Dd seems to think if she says "please" she'll get the item, and if she doesn't she'll take it anyway just because she said "please". I know this is wrong of dd.

I've only ever heard dd talk about having arguments with this girl. The teacher seemed to think she does it with everyone, but she's had play dates with quite a few other girls in class and I've never noticed this kind of behaviour when she's playing with them, and their mothers have never mentioned anything untoward about dd. she's had invites back again so I can't believe she lashes out like this with other children.

The only other person she talks a lot about from school is another boy who she claims is always pushing her and slapping her in the class and the playground. When I mentioned this to the teacher she was very blasé about it and said she'd let the lunch supervisors know, but dd has come home and cried about him slapping her on the face in the classroom, so the teacher should know he hits her. I don't know if this is a reason for her lashing out, but she may be following his example.

Nothing has changed at home. Dh is working longer hours but I don't think that would have an effect on her.