34 month old still not talking in nursery

[Dippy001]

My daughter has been going to nursery since she was a year old. She won't stop talking at home but at nursery she is a different girl. Not one word comes out of her mouth. Whatever they say to her, she just nods. I worry there is something up as she is fine if she knows someone well but especially in large groups she just looks like death and stays still, doesn't speak and to me seems very uncomfortable. Is this normal behaviour? Even the nursery have nothing to say on the matter now. Previously they said it just takes time for some kids but no one else is like her.

My DD did this and we were worried it was Selective Mutism...however...once she had been there for a year and a half she began speaking.

Could you ask another child and her or his parent to come over one day to play? This helped my DD a lot. Her teacher told me to do it as DD would begin to associate nursery friends with the safety of home...and she did....

Have nursery got NO advice for you? Doesn't sound helpful at all!

MY DS was selectively mute at nursery. The nursery took it very seriously though.

Do the nursery really have nothing to say on the matter? I am very surprised by that, if she's been there for two years!

No they just said she will grow out of it once she settles in. This is her second nursery, she has been in this one since October last year. We moved house. What did your nursery suggest you do?

My nursery suggested playdates and told me the names of some children who DD might like to invite back.

They also told me she'd grow out of it. They weren't THAT helpful in retrospect...and DD did grow out of it.

I was selectively mute as a child at nursery and by primary spoke to my friends only (and normal at home). I carried on being quite shy too for some years and looking back I think i was just out of my depth and didnt feel secure and in my case perhaps independence was thrown on me a bit young. I was not a confident child though eg have terrible mrmories of being left with unknown babysitters even though they were i'm sure perfectly nice!
Would it be at all practical/ possible to spend a few whole sessions with her to see how that goes if the nursery would be supportive?

Every child is so different and I think I was unusually sensitive. does your dd seem positive about preschool and happy going in?

I am feeling very emotional now as I have just looked up selective mutism and it fits my daughter's behaviour. I feel terrible to have put her through this. I will try to arrange play dates, and speak to the nursery seriously about this. She goes in fine, doesn't cry, just takes their hand and goes but doesn't smile. She just looks uncomfortable. God I feel awful. I'd rather give up work.

Don't beat yourself up about it too much. MY DS enjoyed nursery, and has nothing but good memories of it, despite not joining in in group activities, hiding under tables or chairs, and prefering to do his own thing. Turns out he has high functioning autism but we didn't know this when he was at nursery and the selective mutism wasn't something that the professionals really worried about.

You have not put her through anything and a diagnoses of SM has not been given. Don't jump to conclusions please don't....my DD had what appeared to be SM but it was simply shyness and a natural tendancy towards introversion.

I agree you haven't put her through anything and she maybe just needs extra support to be more herself? She will still be having a stimulating time and well l

Looked after - sorry pressed send too early. You sound a very caring and brilliant mum and it might also be an age thing as she will definitely grow out of it

I work in nurseries and have helped several children who would not talk at nursery.
Selective mutism is very common but with careful handling, children can make excellent progress.
Some children feel as if they are not in control and they seek to exert control in ways that they are able to dictate- such as fussy eating, toilet training and selective mutism. These children can be helped and supported by nursery staff.
Some things that I did was to never put any pressure on a child to speak. Not at register time, and to never ask them a direct question. These children need careful and sensitive handling.
Speak to the nursery and ask them waht they kmow about selective mutism. Ask them to seek advice of their knowldege is not good.
I have had success with getting children to speak- it can be done.
Good luck and don't worry.