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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please help. Am approaching tethers end.

10 replies

Ozziegirly · 04/03/2013 09:01

I have a 2.5 DS and a 3 month old DS.

DS1 has started trying to hit DS2, not even in anger really, just when he feels like it - I always manage to stop him but it is really getting me so down.

Tonight I had to go into the bedroom and shut the door (with DS2) as I was the closest I have ever been to smacking DS1 - I never want to do this, but this rage just descended over the hitting.

Please help me find a way to stop the hitting.

I have told him I understand he's cross and that it's fine to stamp and scream but never ok to hit. I have tried calm reasoning, I have tried walking away, and I have got angry but nothing has made the tiniest bit of difference.

Honestly don't know where I'm going wrong.

OP posts:

ScottyDoc · 04/03/2013 09:06

When this happens, separate them immediately and tell ds1 calmly that it's not acceptable, in a very firm voice. He WILL learn that him hitting equals mummy walking away with the baby, and as long as you keep re in forcing what you've already been explaining to him, he will understand. When baby naps, use that time wisely with him. When my dd was born and even now when she naps, me and ds do a traditional afternoon tea together where we chat and I talk to him about behaviour and things. Try this if you can. You are doing a fantastic job and are coping with a hell of a lot, so be kind to yourself xxx

BlueyDragon · 04/03/2013 09:09

It sounds like jealousy to me, and at 2.5 your DS1 won't understand anything other than the hitting gets Mummy's attention. I think the keep calm and separate them option might be the only way to go until this phase is over, plus lots of attention for DS1 (hard, I know, with DS2 around and DS1 is playing up). It'll pass, but that doesn't make it easier I know.

ScottyDoc · 04/03/2013 09:10

Meant to say, it is going to get so much easier I promise, and unfortunately toddlers learn mistakes such as hitting if they do it many times. This makes for a serious and exhausting battle for us but they do learn in the end and especially by you keeping your temper, ds will feel secure rather than even more confused or angry. It's hard but will pay off. Rewards are good as well and only giving praise when he deserves it, quality time with him is key so take it easy and do what you can.

StitchAteMySleep · 04/03/2013 09:11

Positive reinforcement maybe?

Teach him to do nice things for ds2 like helping get blankets, toys, hold his hand, help put nappy cream on. Then give lots of praise and cuddles, stickers for a chart if he will respond to that.

One to One time when ds2 naps doing things he loves. Take him out lots to tire him out, baby in sling, off to the playground/park. It is easier when the baby is less mobile and smaller to do it.

Consequences for hitting, time out, toy removal, no favourite tv show etc...

FlouncingMintyy · 04/03/2013 09:11

If you can, be consistent.

So every time he attempts to hit ds2, pick the baby up and take him away to safety. Explain yourself in very simple language "No, you are not allowed to hit" ... that is all you need to say.

If you do the same thing every single time then ds1 will learn.

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 04/03/2013 09:36

Thank you. I know it's jealousy, and I feel so guilty that I have "ruined" DS1s life!

I will stick with the waking away with Ds1 - DS2 hammers on the door yelling "please let me in mummy" over and over - how would you all end the situation? Ie, when I open the door, what should I say? I've been saying "it's ok to feel cross and angry, but it's never ok to hit". I did this today though and he tried to hit him aghain literally 20 seconds later.

We've been getting out and about ok - Ds1 still having his normal things like swimming. It seems to be when I'm feeding that he's most pissed off, or just at home in general.

He can be so lovely! He let his monkey give him a kiss when he was crying and I have been really praising up all nice behaviour but the hitting continues.

He was so gentle at first, it makes me so sad that he can't see what a mean thing it is to hit a baby.

OP posts:

ScottyDoc · 04/03/2013 10:00

Don't beat yourself up Ozzie, toddlers can't really rationalise what hitting means and it makes no difference whether its a baby or adult to them. When you open the door get down to his level and tell him firmly that mummy walked away because he kept hitting baby. Tell him yet again that he cannot do that, and then say if he is going to be a nice boy now that you will Give him a cuddle. He will understand that you love him and want to give him affection but only after he has changed his behaviour and knows its wrong. He is completely capable of knowing he is not allowed to hit at all so don't feel bad about that. It will take time but like I said before, it's just toddler nature and development that they make the same behavioural mistakes over again until they learn whats acceptable and what's not. After its all calm, have a cup of tea and deep breath, sit on the sofa with them both and talk to him about why it's nice to be kind to the baby, and what big brothers do etc. just update with how you get on and we can think of solutions along the way. It will NOT be like this forever, hold on to that.

StitchAteMySleep · 04/03/2013 10:04

You could have a special box of toys that he is only allowed to play with when you are feeding, that might help.

StrugglingBadly · 04/03/2013 10:14

If he has some anger or resentment, would it help to get him a kind of soft cushion/pillow/toy type of thing he can go and hit instead? If he has genuine angry feelings, it might be best to get him to take them out on something soft that means he won't hurt your baby, and he gets that anger/frustration out elsewhere. My only concern is whether he would understand that hitting the pillow means he doesn't hit anyone else. I've read that that can help a child who has some anger, and it's never healthy to encourage them to repress those genuine feelings as that'll likely mean it'll just build up and spill over, but I think this was aimed at older children who have a bit more control/understanding. Not sure if that helps or not.

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 04/03/2013 10:23

Funny you should mention that Struggling - I said to him today that if he felt angry he could stamp or hit a pillow but never another person. I don't know hopw much actually sinks in though.

Love the idea of the special toys - will definitely do that.

And thank you Scotty - I try so hard to be a nice, fun but firm Mum and I find this behaviour so hard to deal with.

OP posts:

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