5 year old with defiance and no respect

[Partridge]

I'm aware that this is my second thread in two days about by kids but after a terrible morning with the other one I am a little despairing about my parenting skills.

He is the middle ds and can be the most mischievous, funny and helpful little companion. Obviously we adore him, but he has become more and more challenging since ds3 was born 18 months ago.

Firstly the positives. Heis helpful, companionable, loving and cheeky. He loves having tasks and really rises to challenges. He has lots of special time with me and his dad and is happiest outdoors helping his grandad with gardening - building bonfires, cleaning out chickens etc.

However - he has absolutely no respect for authority, fights incessantly withds1 (nasty point scoring, trying to separate ds1 from his friends when they come to play and acquire them for himself) has no fear of consequences etc.

He already displays scary risk-taking behaviour (says he can't wait to ride a motorbike and join the army) and doesn't give a shit about consequences. His nursery teacher finds him rude and cheeky a lot of the time.

This morning was a particular low point. He refused to get dressed (he will only wear 2 outfits) and his tantrum was epic. He then attacked his brother (who has scarring on his face from ds2 scratching) and tripped up his dad. He ran down the road and had to. Be manhandled into the car for his lift. This is not an isolated experience. All the while he has an incredibly annoying and defiant laugh .

Often eventually his facade of bravado will crumble, his lip will wobble and the sweet 5 year old will very remorseful, but this is when the fights have been appalling.

Last weekend we tried lovebombing him but he wore a paper crown and behaved like a dictator. And it has had no longer term effect on his behaviour.

I know life is tough - grid 20 months younger than ds2 but bright and able and 2 academic years behind. He is bored at nursery, snapping at his big brother's heels and disenfranchised by his baby brother. I'm at my wits end - I don't want him becoming completely unmanageable- help please.

Sorry for iPhone app typos.

Some of what you're worrying about, sounds totally normal.

I think the separating ds1 from his friends is not necessarily nastiness, just he wants to play with these people he sees as much more interesting than his brother. They're also probably more tolerant of him as well, which adds to their desirability. I've seen that in my family and other families too.
I found dd2 was good at that. Dd1's friends thought she was little and cute and should be humoured at all time. Dd1 was not impressed . I found making sure they both had friends, or I would have something extra fun for dd2 to do (like cooking with me) so she wasn't constantly trying to join in and take over.

I wouldn't call saying he can't wait to ride a motorbike and join the army at all scary risk-taking. Ds has wanted to join the RAF since he was 3yo. He sees it as a fun thing to do. He now talks about trying to get his pilot licence (he's 5yo) and is going to restore and fly a Spitfire! He doesn't really know that the RAF has it's danger side. He sees the glorious hero swooping through the sky at Mark 2. At that age it's as much pie in the sky as going back in time and living with dinosaurs.

I'll assume you've tried stickers (ds is totally unbothered by stickers unless you put them on his clothes in which case he actively lothes them!).

Ds hates to get dressed in the morning. So I've told him that if he doesn't get dressed when I tell him to, then he can't wear his favourite pyjamas that night. I've also (with the girls, ds wouldn't be bothered) threatened to take them to school in their pyjamas.

If he's being a problem at nursery, then I'd think you need to work together. Can you discuss together and come up with a reward/deterrent strategy that both could use?

Thank you. Good to know its not necessarily just us. There is a very spiteful side to his actions though - like the separating ds1 from his friends. It is done in a competitive, slightly deviant way to score points.

His big bro is quite dismissive of him and I think weirdly he craves ds1 approval - it's complicated.

Sorry - I didn't explain the risk taking well - he exhibits this in an alarming way all the time. No fear of the consequences of anything. Totally unlike ds1 who also wants to join the army occasionally. There is a pattern of addictive behaviour in our family and I have a feeling it will be him who is constantly pushing the boundaries of safety

He cannot wait to try things/watch things that are totally inappropriate. Nothing scares him. I'm probably not explaining myself well but I love him so much and just want him to be happy and safe.