6 1/2 year old lazy communicator

[Partridge]

Our ds1 is 6 1/2 and a kind, dreamy boy. He is a little shy and definitely finds social situations stressful sometimes. He is fine at school - doing well academically and has won a prize for good manners from the school. He has friends although he isn't particularly gregarious and likes one or two friends who he can play with at break times.

What is worrying me is his refusal to make eye contact with adults and his extreme diffidence with them. I know that he is fundamentally polite and occasionally can go on a total charm offensive asking questions and being very chatty.

More often than not though he is utterly preoccupied - reading a book/ playing with lego etc and he has to be prompted to say hello. He will often ignore an adult until I make him respond - it comes across as very lazy and rude - it is like he isn't expecting to be required to interact with the adult. This is more common with acquaintances and if we have friends staying for eg he will become comfortable with them and thus quite communicative. If they make a real effort with him he will be jokey and enthusiastic.

With close family he can be rather uncommunicative or very sweet and chatty - but straight after school for eg it is impossible to drag a coherent sentence out of him. He wants to get straight in and start playing.

When he has good friends over he is totally normal and runs off to chat and play with them.

Is this laziness? Does anyone else have it with their ds? Like I say he is v popular with the teachers at school for his manners etc - but he is beginning to really frustrate my dh and me at home. When I ask him to do anything (ie put his shoes on) at home I have to really get him to concentrate or he will ignore me and I'll end up shouting at him. He has 2 younger db by the way.

I think we need a new strategy to deal with this - any ideas?

I have a DS the same age and it sounds very like him. He does make the eye contact usually, unless he's highly distracted by something interesting, but I have seen even his classmates pass him with a "hello!" and he's not noticed so I've had to nudge him to say hello back. I think it sounds normal. Normal boy.

Phew... Thanks. I am not worried that he has any spectrum or developmental disorder but it is frustrating that other people don't see his wonderful qualities and just think he is rude. My dh and I also go for long periods not seeing this either and it's really frustrating as he can be amazing - loving, funny and quirky. And he is very kind and empathetic.

Any ideas how we can get these qualities to shine more?

It could be that he is making an enormous effort in school to be very compliant and polite and finding the social interaction quite tiring. When he gets home he can relax and be more himself because he doesn't have to impress you.

My DDs do have AS and they are incredibly polite in school then, when they get home, they both have 30 mins when nobody asks them anything. They withdraw to their rooms to recharge their batteries after which they are more able to communicate. They also tend to go to their rooms when we have visitors because interacting with them is hard work.

Your DS just sounds like a child who finds social interaction quite hard work and sometimes can't summon up the energy to live up to expectations. Playing with Lego and reading are relaxing activities for him because he doesn't have to interact with anyone else.

I would try making time for him to use these solitary activities to rest and relax, especially after the end of the school day, without making demands on him. At the same time I would explain some rules about what you expect of him when adults speak to him but make them a minimum. You don't need him to go on a charm offensive every time, just saying hello is enough.

Sometimes children don't get the social rules without explanation so he might not realise that he isn't required to make a supreme effort for every adult he comes across. Let him know that it is OK to say hello then go back to his book/Lego but that if he ignores people when they speak to him they will think he is rude. Bear in mind that if he is very absorbed in the book or game he may not even hear them speaking to him. A gentle touch or a hand interrupting his line of sight might be enough to call him back to reality so he hears someone speaking to him.

If he doesn't like making eye contact he probably finds it very hard to listen to what an adult is saying to him is they are insisting he looks at them. It maybe they case that he needs to either make eye contact or listen to them but he can't do both effectively. Talking to him while you are shoulder to shoulder rather than face to face might be easier, perhaps in the car or doing an activity at a table next to each other.

When asking him to perform tasks at home make sure there are no distractions before you speak to him. Get him to put the book or toy down and turn off the tv. Then give him a very simple instruction. Don't say "Come one DS it's time to get ready so put your shoes on or we'll be late" say "shoes on". If you need to say it again repeat "Shoes on" without elaborating. Lots of children need a bit of extra time to process instructions like this and the simpler the language they hear the easier it is. It isn't about intelligence, it's about processing time.

That is massively helpful, thank you. I am going to show this to dh and try to employ these strategies with him as as it is at the moment we tend to be very patient and then lose our temper.

I think you are right - he does find social interaction stressful. But on the other hand he loves having friends to play/sleepovers.

Yesterday was a particular low point as he had been to a sleepover and was very over tired and grumpy. We let him take a book to our room for a few hours but he came out and was still very uncommunicative and rude to our lunch guests.

My DD2 likes to socialise. She enjoys it and doesn't recognise the impact it is having on her. I now try to keep tabs and if she's had a few hours of busy social interaction I will make sure she has some quiet time alone or just with family so she doesn't overload and go into meltdown. I sometimes feel very mean doing it because she likes to be with her friends but I can see that it is very hard work for her even when she can't.

It is really difficult when they are rude to guests, especially as you know they can be so lovely at school. I think sleepovers turn a lot of children into monsters the next day. I don't know why we put ourselves through them TBH. Hopefully as he gets older he'll learn that there are times at home when he needs to put in the same effort he does at school.

Do you think I should be getting him checked out for asd? He is definitely quirky but loves role play/imaginative play etc.

Also known as "tender heart" in our family for over-identifying with other people's feelings and getting very absorbed in their sorrows...

Maybe you could read up on it. Your description sounds like my DD2 in that she gets totally absorbs in solitary imaginative play and my DD1 worries a lot about other people's feelings and is very kind and thoughtful whenever she is aware of a need. She just doesn't get the more subtle nuances of facial expressions and body language so struggles to feel included in conversations amongst her peers or to notice when someone is putting on a brave face.

There are lots of other difficulties associated with ASD which you haven't described here and there are lots of people who are a little way down the spectrum in one way or another but not in other ways and it doesn't cause them big problems.

Google Tony Attwood and read what he says about people with Asperger's. You might look at it and think it is nothing like your son and he's just a child who has to use his intellectual intelligence rather than his intuition when socialising so he finds it quite hard work.

Thank you very much for taking the time to help me with this. I have read a little and it is mostly reassuring. He is very spontaneous and doesn't rely on routine.

Apart from the not listening thing he is very "good" at home and school - even tempered and not prone to tantrums.

He does understand facial expressions and is quite intuitive about how people feel. He has no sensory problems and like I say, loves playing imaginatively and with friends. He is flexible in his interactions too.

So I am still at a bit of a loss as to what causes the apparent "laziness" (although I know it is not simple laziness). He is finding something difficult and stressful and I wish I knew how to help him.

Also no obsessions or "special interests".

I think you're right and what he needs is to learn to recognise that behaving in a socially acceptable manner isn't about being the perfect companion but there is a minimum requirement in terms of niceties in order to be socially acceptable.

Maybe some conversations about what people expect in different situations and what message different responses might give to people could help him. You could do it in a social story kind of way, offering examples of different situations and talking him through the expectations of different people in those situations depending in their point of view, mood, experiences preceeding it, etc. Also talk over real events in a relaxed way afterwards to help him unpick his own feelings about them.

He sounds like a lovely lad who maybe makes too much effort at times and can't sustain it. I'm sure that with some explicit information about the social rules he may have missed out on and some strategies to help him wind down you'll start to see more of that side of him again

I saw this on facebook the other day - you might like it :)

lolsnaps.com/news/46916/0/

Thanks both - love that fb link - very apt. He is usually being sought out by friends but is quite happy to take it or leave it...

I have wondered about aspbergers in the past but he has never seemed to fit the profile apart from eye contact - and that seems to be a choice thing iykwim. The introvert thing does fit - I guess his dad is maybe a bit like him. I just want life and friendships to come easily to him . And I hear so many stories about how difficult it is for slightly more "unusual" kids once they leave the safety of primary school...

I should think that the eye contact thing is just an immature way of dealing with the "I don't really want to talk right now" thing. I'm sure he'll grow out of it especially if you explain expectations like Goldmandra says.

I love that link!

I know how he feels about eye contact and I can't maintain it for long periods. I have found that people are OK if you can make it for a couple of seconds every now and then through a conversation. They know you are listening but you don't have to endure their eyes locking on to yours and boring into you for long. Maybe he could try that when people are uncomfortable with him not wanting to give any eye contact at all.

Hello. I am 8 hrs behind so was sleeping when this discussion took off. I just want to say thanks for posting so clearly Goldmandra, clear and helpful hints, especially the "shoes on" I won't use that on my DS but I definitely will on my DD.