Feel bad ignoring tantrums

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Ds1 is 2.2 and a typical stroppy toddler. All very normal I'm sure. His tantrums are about ridiculous things - recent examples include not being allowed to drive the car and not wanting his tears dried. So I usually adopt the ignoring approach and tell him I'm there for a cuddle when he calms down.

Problem is that the angry screaming often changes to upset screaming and tearful requests for a cuddle. So how long do I carry on ignoring the behaviour and calmly telling him I'll cuddle when he's done? I just feel so mean and like I'm withholding love when he's upset. Do I need to toughen up?

If he's genuinely turned from tantruming to crying, and there is a difference, then of course you should give him comfort. If he's asking for a cuddle, give him a cuddle.

With my son, at least, if he's having a tantrum, he doesn't ask for a cuddle. He just stands and acts hysterical.

There is no need to ignore him. All you need to do is show him that the tantrum won't get him the thing he wants.

You can sympathise, give cuddles, describe his emotions to him, explain why he is upset, etc while he is mid-tantrum although if he is in full meltdown he probably won't understand a word you say.

It is fine to still be there for him in a calm way as long as you aren't negotiating or giving in to what he wants.

Children learn whether tantrums make adults give and let them do or have what they want. Those who find out that this doesn't work eventually give up tantruming. Those who find it makes adults give in keep doing it. Giving him cuddles and comfort isn't giving in.

You don't need to toughen up at all. You just need to keep the boundaries clear and firm.

Thanks. I should make it clear I don't totally ignore him, I meant I ignore the behaviour I guess and just keep telling him I'm here ready when he's finished being angry, talking calmly about other things etc. It's just that his screaming willsuddenly change from 'I want cake' to 'I wanna cuddle', just as angry as before. I don't want to reward the screaming but it's so sad. I think I'll give cuddles when he asks for them from now on, you're right that that's not giving in to his original strop.

I like mn, it really helps you see the wood for the trees sometimes.

I know what you mean about not wanting to reward the screaming but I think that by cuddling him you are helping him to start to learn to calm himself down and accept that he isn't getting what he wants. That's really positive.

Look up margot Sutherland the latest research suggests a bit more if an empathic approach to toddler tantrums. So after ignoring four dc I'm trying this with dc 5 and its working really well.
She has a paddy I put my hand on her back. She shrugs it off so I try again whilst taking to her soothingly she normally stops and cuddles then. She is two and hardly tantrums now and if she does I feel calm and in control and they end quickly.
Trust me I'm not a feathery strokery person but this really works

Hmm but his anger isn't going to suddenly go away, it sounds like he's accepted he can't have the (cake or whatever) but he's asking for a cuddle instead. So give it to him - he's only 2 :) And I'm assuming that you cuddle him at other times, so it's not like he's learning that the best way to get a cuddle is to scream.

Have you tried validating feelings too? That was really effective when DS was 2. Instead of talking about other things which will probably make him think "What are you TALKING about when I'm telling you I want the CAR?" try saying something like "It's really frustrating when we can't have what we want, isn't it? It makes you feel really angry."

You could back it up with either something that you feel similarly about (just make it up!) like "Sometimes I really wish I could fly an aeroplane, but I can't do that! It's so annoying."

Or something silly like "It would be great if we just ate cake all the time. But then we might turn into an enormous cake! That would be silly. We'd get icing on the bed sheets."

Or less silly like "It looks really fun to drive a car, doesn't it? What kind of car do you want to drive when you're a grown up?"

I think the ignoring response is okay (but I think it's important to be responsive when you hear a change from angry to upset, or they're asking for a cuddle) but sometimes these can help diffuse things and help them think about it rather than focusing on "But it's SO UNFAIR, she COULD let me, but she WON'T!"

His emotions are a bit wild and out of control - its probably quite scary for him. So cuddle him - you just don't give him what he wants. He still earns that a tantrum doesnt get him cake - and you tell him what he is feeling so he learns to articulate it. Eg cuddle and say "you're cross because you can't have cake".