Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Lost our way with 5yo ds

39 replies

MummyPig24 · 24/02/2013 07:06

Dp and I are at a loss as what to do. Our once respectful and well behaved ds has turned into a rude and belligerent child.

He seems incapable of listening, behaves in a hyperactive way, constantly annoying his sister, shouting and running everywhere. Then when he is challenged about his behaviour he calls us names like "idiot."

He loves school and is generally well behaved there. He does football club which he loves and does very well. Dp and I love him very much and praise him for every little thing he does well. But I just feel like we are failing at the moment. Why can he not listen and follow instructions like he used to? Why won't he hold our hands when we are out like he used to? Why does he think its funny to be disrespectful and to be mean to his little sister? Please help us get back on track and enjoy life with him again, because at the moment it seems like a constant battle.

OP posts:

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/02/2013 09:17

You need to find your 'inner 70's parent'

'Who do you think you are talking to??' accompanying a raised eyebrow.

Also, don't send him to his room - send him somewhere FAR more boring - bottom stair, kitchen floor...

They pretty much all go through this stage around this age - but you need to nip it in the bud straight away (as you are trying to!) then no harm done. He's not 'turning into' anything - he's just going through a 'pushing the boundaries' stage and you need to let him know (consistently) where those boundries lay!!

... and buy lots of

cloudhands · 24/02/2013 10:45

Hi Mummy, I don't think you are going terribly wrong. It sounds like very normal five year old behaviour. And it sounds like you are doing a really good job with him.

I just read this Bad words from good kids
This comes from the Hand in Hand Website I recommended earlier.
The article explains why children start using 'harsh' language, and it has some fun playful ways you can deal with those words he's been saying. For instance if your son says stupid, you can say ''ooh I'm going to get anyone who says that stupid word,' and chase him, and turn it into a game with lots of laughter. This sense of fun and connection with him, will help him to release all those negative feelings behind the behaviour. He might say it a bit more in the context of the chasing game, but then I bet you it comes up less often elsewhere, (and with a lot less malice as well)
Anyway there are more suggestions in the article.

Original poster

MummyPig24 · 24/02/2013 11:51

Dp and I went to a positive parenting evening last year and learned some very good concepts. I think we would benefit from going to another so I will try and find out about that. We had a few hairy moments in church this morning, from dd as well who seemed to have enough energy for 20 children, but on the whole they were fine. I just feel under such pressure to make them "behave" all the time when I just want to let them be. I am a young mother and I feel like I need to prove that I am a good parent and t children are happy and well behaved.

OP posts:

cloudhands · 24/02/2013 12:00

hey mummy, you sound so wise! Follow your instincts and let them be!
It can be really hard when parts of society seem to expect us to parent in certain ways, but you are the best judge of what your kids need.
definitley look for positive parenting resources, books, workshops etc, as in my experience that's the only thing that works in the long run.
Some of the parenting methods are just quick fixes but can erode relationships in the long run.
hmmm, also bear in mind, and this is something I also read in 'Unconditional Parenting,' that having a perfectly behaved child is actually a worrying sign, that they will grow up to be very compliant, not thinking for themselves or being creative or self-motivated. It's great when kids feel comfortable to show us who they really are, warts and all!

HilaryClinton · 24/02/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MummyPig24 · 24/02/2013 19:32

Of course he can always come to me for a cuddle, and I believe he is secure in knowing that he is loved. I wouldn't withdraw football as a punishment, not least because we have paid for it but also because it is good for him to have regular exercise and a disciplined activity. Dp and I have been having a think and we need to do some reading up on unconditional parenting and positive parenting.

OP posts:

Bluemary3000 · 24/02/2013 23:10

I'm so pleased to find that others with 5yr olds just having started school are behaving the same. Mine is an angel at school and yet I'm stupid, I'm an idiot. I've been told its a phase of starting school. To combat this we used the same discipline method as the school. The marble jar. She understands it, it's a follow on from to school to home and has responded really well.
It's not that bad all the time and I do think that heavy days of learning seems to have a drastic impact on home.
We have also tried to be more structured at home again a follow on from school. Half terms over, so we will see how this week fairs.

Original poster

MummyPig24 · 25/02/2013 21:02

Much better day today. Have implemented some positive parenting techniques I learned at the talk I attended. Each child (make it fair) has a jar, every time they listen well, are kind and do as I ask they get a piece of pasta in the jar, when they have 10 pieces they get a chocolate coin. I know people don't agree with food as a reward but it has worked in the past. Have been encouraging ds to make choices i.e he could choose to stop what he is doing or choose to go in the thinking corner to think about what he is doing. Seems to be working today. Hopefully we can keep it up.

OP posts:

Repetitiverobot · 25/02/2013 23:02

Wow, I'm so glad I found this thread. It's like reading about my 6 year old DD who seemed to change overnight into a completely different child. Rude at times, deliberately annoying 3 yr old ds and generally being stubborn and stroppy!
I've put it down to a few things, starting year 1, which is a massive change from reception, tiredness and a growth spurt. But it's very reassuring to know its not just me!
I was starting to think I'd done something wrong and she was acting up because if it. In a way it's comforting to hear the phrase above..,about not having a perfect child, so they're comfortable showing their true emotions etc. very true.
I'm hoping we'll get through the other side with as little stress and drama as possible (all ready for DS to then take over!)
So don't fret, you're not alone...and neither are we!!!

cloudhands · 26/02/2013 02:28

Hi Mummy, I'm glad things are going better, and that you are getting a bit of respite!
Definitly get hold of the book Unconditional Parenting if you can, as it has some great discipline ideas that don't involve rewarding. It explains about rewards and how they don't work in the long run. Maybe the pasta is a fun game which can get you through the next wee while, but it will probably wear off, and if rewarding is done often, children don't always do things for their own sake and just do it for the reward.

I've learnt a lot from Hand in Hand Parenting that our children are actually naturally, loving, kind and caring, and they do want to co-operate with us. Bad behaviour is a sign of underlying difficult the feelings, the child is having. So if you work on the level of feelings, then it helps to make long term real adjustments to the child's behaviour.

CadleCrap · 26/02/2013 11:37

OP -as i said earlier, I could've written your post.

I think I know the issue with my DS and it is bugger all to do with reading a manual for a child that the child cannot read or understanding the workings of the inner child type stuff.

He is just absolutely bloody knackered.

I sent him to his room on Sunday and he fell asleep for 3 hours. He woke up and was my beautiful little boy again.

In my case DS doesn't need MORE exercie or a sticker chart or an indepth conversation about his emotions. He needs an earlier bedtime (bath used to be 7 bed 7.30, now bath is 6.30 bed 7).

And cuddles!!

Original poster

MummyPig24 · 26/02/2013 16:17

Ds had his first day back at school today. He said this morning he didn't want to go and he had tummy ache and then said "I can't stop being naughty" which made me feel sad. He feels unable to control his behaviour. Anyway we had a big talk about how well he has been doing listening and how I know he listens well and plays nicely at school and he went off fine. When I picked him up he came running out and gave me a huge hug which was lovely.

He is a bit tired I think, plus he woke up in the night and dd woke him a few times as she was awful last night. Bed by 7 for sure tonight!

I do find a huge difference in how he responds to how we speak to him. If we get cross, so does he and it gets worse. Keeping calm is definitely the key!

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyPig24 · 26/02/2013 16:17

P.s I NEVER call him naughty so I'm not sure why he thinks that.

OP posts:

cleoowen · 26/02/2013 20:35

If he loves football.bribe him with this for good behaviour. I imagine,he will soon go back to his lovely self if he thinks he might,miss football. To work though you would have to follow through the threat as he will test you.

Flip

1 2