Im a terrible mother

[TwoCrazyKids]

I am a mother to two boys, they are aged 3.3 and 4.2. I'm a terrible mother to them. When they were babies I read all the books I could preparing myself for toddlerdom but it's backfired against me, they are little brats! I'm just back from the shop with them and I cried the whole way home. First I met a mother I know from the school. I stopped to chat holding the boys hand on either side and they started kicking each other across me. All her children just stood patiently. Then when we were paying, they just ran off on me and ran around the shop like hooligans I caught one of them then a member of staff had to run after the other. When I had then both of their hands they started acting like rag dolls and dropping to the floor. I literally just dropped them and walked out of the shop...luckily the followed me out but I cried the whole way home. I have never in my life seen other children behave like that. They just laughed in my face. Why do my children not respect me??

They know that when they act up they lose out on treats/ toys are confiscated so why do they not care?!!

Your DC sound quite normal to me! It must be v. trying but maybe work on trying to find it slightly funny as long as they are not being a danger to themselves or others? (obviously you don't want them to start acting up for laughs but it might make you feel better, as you are not a terrrible mother).

No advice to offer (I'm just a first time mum of 2 year old DD) but I'm sure you're not a bad mother at all! Sounds like they're really putting you through your paces. Have a love. Sounds like you deserve it!

I am sure you are not a terrible mother ((()))) sending you hugs.
We all have days like this, even those prob with 1 child lol

Is this behaviour constant from them, are they like this at home or just when you are out?

You're not a terrible mum! I used to get upset too when my dd was little and acted like this (it's not just your children who misbehave - don't think that).

How did you handle it when they were kicking each other whilst you were talking to their mum?

How did you handle it when they ran off in the shop?

If you're leaving it until you get home to discipline them, i don't think it'll work as too much time will have passed by.

At home, i tried everything with my dd. Naughty step, confiscating toys, ignoring the bad and praising the good. Nothing worked! Luckily she's 5 now and is (most of the time) a little angel.

But, back then it was when were out and about that i struggled most with discipline. People would stop and stare whenever she went off on one, and i ended up feeling really embarrased, not reacting, and dd then felt as though she could get away with it.

So i sucked up my embarrasment. Each time she misbehaved outside, i found the nearest wall and told her to go and stand against it for five minutes (with me standing a few metres away). Each time she tried to run off, i'd put her back there until she got used to it. Basically, i treated the naughty wall outside as the same i would at home.

Yes, it caused a loooooot of passers-by to stop, stare and whisper, but i learned to not care.

Sorry for rambling. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, and this behaviour won't last forever.

Boys are notoriously bad with each other and fighting etc. try not to worry about it. Threaten to put the reins on and say you'll treat them like babies if they're going to act like it! My friend had 3 kids and Lordy lord, it put me off having kids for years. Needless to say, I do have 3 kids bu luckily have 1 boy and 2 girls. My friends boys have turned into well adjusted adults. Just set your boundaries and be consistent - no matte how tough u have to be!

Thanks all . Yes it is normal behaviour for them unfortunately. They just rub off each other and they are just always up to mischief. Like if I turn my back, they will climb up onto the presses and start making 'sandwiches' out of everything! When in the supermarket, they will run off on me at any chance.

I had gone in to get them hot choc as its freezing out, then we were heading to my friends house to play with her dc. I warned them before we left that if they misbehaved in friends house we wouldn't be having hot choc so when I ran into school mum at shop and they stared kicking I told them if they didn't stop I wouldnt get hot choc. They stopped and we got hot . when I went to pay that's when they ran off. I payed and then got them, when we left the shop I told them no hot choc and no trip to friends. In hindsight I should have just walked out when they started the kicking. I think I need a one strike and your out rule.

I am just so upset because I really try my best and they have no respect for me and I make mothers who have no interest in their children and there's ate so well behaved!!!

I tried naughty step before and first day it took 90 attempts to get him to finish timeout!!it did get better for a whole but then they started thinking it was a joke and when one got timeout the other would start making him laugh etc and then t
It just ended up as a joke!

i've heard that they push boundaries like this with you because they feel safe to do so with you, you are the one they look to whilst they experiment with the world. so think of it as a slightly skewed compliment!

That is not even worth nomination of Terrible Mother.

I accidentally let my toddler eat a dog poo.

I win.

This too will pass x

Thanks but how oh how do I discipline them???! Naughty step, withdraw treats???

Nothing in your post suggests "terrible mother" to me. "Terrible day" perhaps!

In this situation with mine (2 boys, now 8 and 10 so I have been there!) I used to just stop where we were and make them sit a few feet apart for a couple of minutes - it seems like longer in public to them as well as us, they HATED it, and I used to bore them to death with calm eye-boring lectures as well. And I would tell them there and then what the consequence would be of unacceptable behaviour and calmly follow through (not always cos I am not perfect, but that was the regime iyswim). For kicking each other I would have grabbed one hand each, dropped to their level and told them very firmly but quietly "You're going to STOP the kicking now. The next boy who kicks..." clear consequence etc.

Mainly though you just get through it - if I had been in your situation I would have said "sorry - can't stop, nightmare hell children today" and smiled and ploughed on home when I met the other mum.

taszmo that's arse about boys - plenty of little female hellions out there too! More power to their elbows

We had the running about in the supermarket business for a while too. I must say there is only one parenting book for me - the How to Talk book. Requires much patience but it works. (Works on grown-ups as well, which is a bonus. )

And agree with Greensleeves. Don't take no nonsense about bad behaviour being the monopoly of boys.

lol @ GussieGrips.
I am going to change my TalkName to HorribleMother, assuming it's not taken. It's what DD called me when I wouldn't let her drink milk today (we have a ban on calorie consumption close to teatime).

Sympathies, OP. Mine are 5 & 8 & played up rotten walking home from shops today. They have taken to horsing around & wrestling on pavement next to busy traffic . I hate outings with more than one.

I have 'how to talk..' I read it about 2 years ago and found it great. I'll root it out tonight and read through it. It's just so hard when there's two of them! If they are alone, they are Angels (well almost!).

Besides the mischief and running off etc, they are great, they are really good tempered, never have tantrums, never demand things from me. If I could just get them to listen to me!!

Will defo have a read of that book again tonight. Has anyone read playful parenting? I've heard it's good.

My two (aged 3 and 7 - well mainly the 3 yr old) reduced me to tears after a 15 minute walk home. They are in the bath now, DH is trying to get them out and I can hear the wee one going nuts. It does get easier - my 7 yr old boy has become, whilst not perfect, at least someone who can be reasoned with (mostly) ;)

OP, you can't possibly be a terrible mother. terrible mothers never think they do anything wrong. And I have seen loads and loads of children behave that way, including really lovely children from really lovely families. It's horrible but it's normal.
Like you I absolutely hate having to deal with it though so used to do everything in my power to stop it from happening. Keeping them off the sugar and additives when they are small really helps, as does giving them a small healthy-ish snack while you're out. Meet a friend and want to chat? Get out the snack pots for them.
I also never put up with even the start of bad behaviour. As soon as it starts I get strict - never toloerate it until I can't stand any more. All DC are different, but for mine it helped to be really clear: I am going to talk to my friend now for 5 mins so you are going to stand still. Non-negotiable. Doesn't always work. My DC asked why we never go shopping at that nig shopping centre in Wimbvledon, and I suddenly realised it's because last time we went, when they were same age as your DC, they had been given strict instructions to behave but separated and ran amok underneath the rails of clothes all over H & M. It took 3 shop assistants and me to track them now. Feral, they were.

When DD1 was 3 she used to run off - I always had a wrist strap I threatened her with - she hated it so after first few times she started to behave mind you got some funny looks when I'd say " do you want the strap". Easier to get on than reins! DS was 5, DD2 was 2 & DD3 1 so couldn't chase after her.

Oops, sorry for all the typos. Big shopping centre.

meant to add, last night they made a gorgeous three course meal for DH and me, without any help, and they are still at primary school. They do change. Promise.

I actually used to use the wrist straps as a threat. I'll root that out again tonight. Dp and I are going to sit down and discuss everything tonight so were on the same page. I banned sweets a few weeks ago and they were great for a few weeks but I can't see the benefit anymore. Lately they have been watching a lot more tv as the weather has been bad so I think I'm going to cut that down to 30 mins a day. It's just so tempting to pop it on wheni need peace!

Oh! You are SO NOT a terrible mother!!!! I have 3 DS age 6, 3 and 7 weeks. The two older ones are lovely in many ways but absolute little buggers in so many others. Your little boys sound perfectly normal to me. My biggest bit of advice would be to keep with the discipline and not to lose heart. It does pay off in the long run. Your two are still quite little; I'm now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel with DS1's behaviour and he's 6. It can be sooooo wearing though. I found it helpful to get through the day in blocks of one hour at a time and to keep remembering that it would be bedtime at some point! I also avoided things that I knew would be horribly stressful eg a massive Tesco shop. Could you try on line for that sort of thing? Console yourself with the fact that your boys are probably very intelligent therefore "challenging" the boundaries! Again, that's what I used to do (not sure if its true but it made me feel better). Interestingly, despite DS1 and DS2's fiendish behaviour at home / with me, both are very well behaved at pre / school. Good luck, your are NOT a terrible mother and you are most certainly NOT alone! Here's a virtual for you

There definitely is light at the end of the tunnel. My DSs are 9 and 6 now and it is actually a pleasure going to the supermarket with them. Good little helpers and good discussions about what to buy and why and how to cook. If you told me that a couple of years ago I would think you were being sarcastic.

Definitely you are not a terrible mother, I have been there and I bet many/most others have too. The only thing I wondered was....when you said no hot choc and visit to friends did you stick to that (sorry if you say so, I am skim reading as DD not settling in bed...driving me bonkers..see not just you!) or did you end up going to friends? - If so, maybe they know it is an empty threat and so ignore it. I kind of try to stick to 'keep your word on threats and promises' (but I have sat at home crying at behaviour at a toddlers play event too so just a "terrible" as you!) I also shop online!
Have read playful parenting..it is a fairly easy read but nothing earth - shattering I found....mostly the premise is, turn things into play if you can, ie...tease them/tickle them/ etc out of moods, roleplay stuff with them etc, bit of a repetitive message spun out across the book.

Thanks cuggles, I did follow through. We came straight home and no hot choc. I follow through with my threats 9 times out of 10. Sometimes in anger I throw out a ridiculous threat that I can't follow through with but I'm working on that. They are in bed now. Surprisingly they are actually great at going to bed! Going to have a pod read of how to talk tonight and start fresh tomorrow!

9 out of 10 is good enough...I am definitely no better...certainly been known many times to throw out one I can't keep and then really cross fingers I don't have to! That was a big one to stick to too...go girl, you sound like you are doing a great job to me!

I think you sound fine, and your boys sound normal. I like 'How to Talk..' but no part of reading it prevented my 2.2 year old climbing the crisp stand, licking several packets of crisps, then announcing he needed to 'lie down' (and doing that amazing thing where they can't actually be physically made to do anything except writhe on the floor) while we were queuing to pay for water. When I went in my purse, he took the opportunity to try to commando crawl through the legs of the rest of the queue, and had to be pulled back via the feet while giggling wildly. He repeated this manoeuvre when I put my pin in; and again when I put my card back in my purse. I had to sling him over my shoulder, fireman style, to get out of the shop, not madly straightforward as I am 7months pg and had a bag, bottle of water and some unexpectedly purchased crisps to carry. I consider myself to be a good enough mother, and suspect you are probably too

Thanks for all advice :) having a better day today, I haven't turned tv on yet so have been doing lots of jigsaws etc. we are going shopping later so we'll see how that goes