Please help me have a well behaved 3 year old

[Napsalot]

My DC is 2 yrs 10 mnths. If DC is unruly at home DC gets sent to bedroom for a time out. DC then apologizes and the behaviour improves.

I am struggling with outings however, to the point where I question if it is worth trying to go out sometimes.

Yesterday at a doctors appointment DC spat on me for the duration of the appointment while I talked to the doctor - extremely embarrassing. I know this is to get my attention and I was talking to the doctor so DC just kept going. (At home DC would be sent to bedroom or if out generally and DC did this I would do a time out in the car with DC). I just wanted to cry. DC apologized in the car on the way home so understands it is not right.

I also can't get DC to just walk next to me when we are out -DC will lie on the ground, run away, legs turn to jelly..... I just want DC to walk pleasantly and hold my hand when it's dangerous (eg parking lot).

I feel like everyone is looking at me as I struggle to cope with this. I am desperate to make this better -for both our sakes. Any advice welcome.

This is an age for testing boundaries and DC has clearly discovered that you are less able/less willing to discipline in public the way you do at home. It is embarrassing when your child misbehaves in front of other people (my son used to scream and throw himself on the ground which used to get us a LOT of negative attention) but you just have to grit your teeth and do it. Decide on a sanction you can use and stick to it (however red in the face you may feel). For example, if DC lies on the ground when you are out instead of walking nicely, pick DC up, say firmly that they have to walk properly and keep doing this until you get what you want! If possible, you could start with a walk which leads to something they want (the playground perhaps) and tell them after 2 or 3 repetitions that if they don't walk nicely then you will carry them home - and again, stick with it. If you do this a few times, DC will learn that this kind of misbehaving leads to the loss of something they want. Similarly, with the spitting, your punishment might be holding DC firmly on your lap for two minutes if the behaviour is repeated. Some people may give you a funny look, but most will approve and be supportive. Hope this helps.

Not really got any advice, but interested in anything else anyone says.
Don't worry about what others think. DS1 has insisted on wolly had and gloves most of one summer. It seemed silly fighting it, so we went everywhere in shorts and teeshirt, hat and gloves. Got some strange looks, but also lots of knowing smiles - most of us with kids have been there.
I've also stood next to DS2 in the middle of currys as he decided to lie on the floor and tantrum, and tell him he's looking rather silly. Hardly anyone batted an eyelid.

The Drs must have been very stressful. I think I'd have told him that spitting was horrible, and it was to stop NOW, and then continued the conversation with the Dr.

We try not to say "NO" too often - so on;y use it for things we really don't want or are unsafe - hitting, biting, spitting, not holding hands in the carpark.

We go though phases tho - seems like the spitting stopped for a bit, but we've just had 2 weeks of it again.

Never sent them to a different room, but have sat them on the floor by my feet if I'm being hit etc.

Stay strong - they are testing the boundaries at this age, and need to learn what things change, and what is always not permitted.

Have you considered reins?

I don't agree with time out and your examples seem to show it isn't working the way you are doing it for your child. Your child is trying to communicate with you and get your attention and you send him/her away so they feel worse and up the anti. You can't expect them to sit still in silence in the doctor's surgery - did you take anything to keep them entertained? Mine always have a drink and snack and worst case scenario they can play a game on my phone - they are only allowed to play on my phone as a last ditch resort when we are out and they are bored.

Do you really think they 'understand' what's right/wrong/apologise? Their understanding may not be what you think it is - I can get the right response out of my 3yr old but if I get him to explain or ask him questions he clearly doesn't really understand what I was trying to say. He just knows I expect a 'sorry' but it doesn't stop him repeating the bad behaviour the next time. Walking down the road - I had to resort to standing next to a car in the car park and telling him if he didn't listen then a big car would bash into him and that would be really bad, then he seemed to understand but he still struggles to walk down a busy road on focus on where we are going. I have to help him, not punish him.

Instead of focusing on how to reprimand the bad behaviour, focus on how to encourage the good behaviour. Make it fun, make it a game, spend time with them showing them what you want them to do in a silly way so they want to do it. We've had lots of silly hand holding games so now my dc's want to hold my hand because it's fun for them.

Thanks for your input -definitely gives me some things to think about.

I think I got a bit blindsided at the doctors as he was being fine before the doctor called us in -in hindsight I should have given him a snack or toy to distract him (I had some with me).

I think I will try to create more fun around holding hands. I often have my baby in a carrier which makes it tricky to pick him up off the ground. But I think practicing on walks to park is a good idea.

Thank you everyone.