Help, uncontrollable children!

[Youngharriet]

I am at my wits end! I have a 2 yr old ds and a 3.5 yr old dd and I am not able to control either of them.

They spend most of the day arguing about who gets to play with what, I often rush off early from playdates because I can't bear people to see the meltdowns and my lack of control over them, and by the end of the day they are running around our apartment screaming and pay no attention to me at all. Bath time is anything but calm and they no longer listen to the bedtime story as they are too busy jumping on the beds and attacking each other! Argh!!!!!

I do time outs which they laugh through (although do stay in the corner), I've tried reward charts which worked for the first couple of days then the novelty wore off, I've threatened no snacks/treats/tv the next day which they just deal with but their behaviour is not getting better and I'm so frustrated that they don't seem to care about the consequences of their behaviour!

I'm a stay at home mum who should be raising nice, kind and generally well behaved (or at least controllable) children instead the three of us seem to be getting more frustrated and angry - I'm failing terribly and feel like the worst mother. I just don't know what to do. Please help, I would love some advice! :(

I had lots of trouble with DD1 when DD2 was born. What worked for me was praising the good and ignoring the bad. So I would find anything she was doing well, and praise it. You shared that toy nicely, you sat at the table well, thank you for carrying your plate through, that's really helpful. Apparently it's eight good things for every one bad.

With the ignoring, do literally ignore it, and carry on with what you are doing, unless the other child is in danger.

It took a while, but she is a completely different child now. Having said that, DD2 was a baby, so I was only dealing with one child.

The immediate difference was that I felt better, because I was focusing on the good things, and I just stopped shouting.

I think both your children would probably benefit from some 1-1 attention with you. Can you manage that at weekends.

I put DD2 to bed 20 mins before DD1, so DD1 gets a cuddle on her own then, but she also needed time at a weekend where we went out and did something (usually swimming, because I can't face it with both of them).

The person who told me about it said that at first it looks as if they have won, but in the long run you will win. I really feel like I have won now, my kids adore each other, but I would like to go back and say 'I told you so' to a couple of people who told me I was doing a crap job.

BTW you are not failing. You care enough to want to give your children boundaries. That is being a good mother.

I had 3 under 2 at one stage, very close together, have had many times like this over the years.

Firstly, everything is a phase. What you are experiencing now will not last forever. It isn't easy is it!

Secondly, to me it sounds like an attention thing. I would break the day into chunks of time, get up, breakfast all together at the table, talk to them about what you will do that day, get dressed. Perhaps half an hour CBeebies whilst you wash up, put washing in, make beds etc. Then, focus on them for two hours, play together, make things, colour in, puzzles etc etc. then snacks at the table and talk about what's next....nap time? Then sit together for lunch and tell them about the afternoon plans, go for walk/park for two hours, home for snack, alternate one watching tv, one in kitchen with you whilst you make dinner, eat together, tell them about bath and bedtime routine. I'd leave eldest in front of tv whilst settling youngest, then put eldest to bed in your room so they are not together and move her later.

Obviously, not exactly what you do in your life, just an idea. Housework doesn't matter....I promise you that you won't remember the time you didn't clean something when they are older!

Same here - two under 2 is a handful and will be for a while. Mine are now a few years older and get on well. You just have to pick them both up and bundle them out of places once in a while. It WILL pass, have hope!

Hand in hand parenting has some great resources for behavior issues. I would ditch the star charts and punishments as they can act as a quick fix, but actually make behavior worse in the long run

Thank you all so so much! I definitely don't spend enough one on one time with them, that's a great idea Thisismummypig and breaking the day up also sounds brilliant LeChatRouge. Also great to know from your experiences that it's just a phase (when you're in the moment these phases seem to last a lifetime!).