How do I help him during his temper tantrums?

[minibmw2010]

I have a gorgeous happy little DS who is 20 months old, but of course he's not at the stage where he's trying to communicate more (has a few very limited words), gets frustrated, angry (out of nowhere !!!) and upset very easily. How do I help him when this is happening - what is the best thing to do?

For example, he's a huge grabber, I mean anything has to be touched and it has to be now !!!!! He'll literally walk around looking for things to touch, pick up, etc. and mostly I don't care as it's generally toys or books, but sometimes he'll manage to pick up something I don't want him to have or he shouldn't have, like a glass or something along that lines. So I get down and say to him 'please give that to Mummy' which inevitably means he gets a tighter grab on it and is rarely happy to hand it over (no matter what it is, everything's a toy). Anyway, this often escalates quite quickly as I feel I should persevere and he just shuts his eyes and cries so I find it hard to do anything like saying 'DS please give this to Mummy'. What should I be doing (bar obviously keeping everything possible out of his way which I try my best with but he's a tall boy and sometimes things slip through the radar).

When he's having a little temper paddy he tends to shut his eyes tight and just howl so I find it hard to know what's the best way to get his attention to try and stop him, or should I just be walking away at this stage when he can't be reasoned with? What do people consider the 'right' thing to do is?

Bar these moments (someone please tell me all children of this age get, please please ???) he's the sweetest happiest little man so I really want to try and help him and do this right for him.

Without wanting to make excuses for him, he's come late to most things, walking was 17 months, eating has only really come on in the last few months or so, so most advice of 'get down to his level, ask him to say sorry, etc.' doesn't really seem to work just yet.

Many thanks. x

Sorry, that should say 'NOW' at the stage, not 'not at the stage' in the first line. Thanks x

Watching with interest, you have described my Ds down to a T! Hope someone comes along soon!

I wouldn't try to communicate with him during tantrums. He probably won't be able to process what you are saying anyway.

Stay close and calm, waiting quietly for him to finish and be ready to offer a hug to help him recover.

When he is holding something try to keep your language simple and clear. "Let go" in a calm, low but firm voice is probably best.

IME, I am now going through this for the second time, you ignore.

For example, DS2 will ask for milk which I will get for him. This will somehow be wrong and he will run screaming to the other end of the house.

I put the milk where he can reach it, go and tell him that and then get on with doing something in the general vicinity.

He can see me, he knows I haven't abandoned him and he can calm down in his own time.

Be patient, it does work. I find the more you try to soothe, reason, find a solution the worse the screaming gets.

Ok thank you. I have been mostly doing the 'wait and be there when it's finished' style thing and not being able to help myself cuddling him after so glad to know that's not wrong as such.

DH's attitude (and I guess maybe most men especially to boys) is 'leave him, hd'll be find' but it must be terrifying. Last month you were the cuddly smiley baby, this month you're having a growth spurt and want to cry/scream. Bless them all

What helps for my DS (21mo) is that rather than repeating that he's not allowed to have something, I take it off him all the while acknowledging that he wants it. So rather than trying to 'reason' during the tantrum that he's not allowed to have it or has to give it back, focus on voicing his feelings for him. 'You really wanted the scissors didn't you? You wanted to play with the scissors!' Then when he starts to calm down I start adding in the reason 'I know you wanted to play with the scissors, but they are not for playing with'. It doesn't avoid the tantrum but does seem to shorten them and reduce their intensity. HTH!

Just another example, this happened this morning: At 6.30am DS wakes up. I go to his room and he's crying and getting into a bit of a state, getting more upset by the second. I pick him up to comfort him but he keeps crying. I try to find out what he wants (he's not very verbal, just yes/no and animal sounds).

Would you like some milk? No. Would you like some water? No? Then he kept pointing at the door, so I caught on and said: You want to come into mummy & daddy's room? He said yes. So I kept repeating it: You want to come into mummy & daddy's room. Repeat about 10 times and he starts to calm down. Repeat another 5-10 times adding that it's too early yet and still time to go back to sleep. By this time he was actually calming down and more able to listen to me. I asked again if he wanted some milk, he said yes, I gave him milk and put him back in his cot. I went back to my room (next door), he whined for a few minutes (not proper upset crying like before) and then went back to sleep.

I think it's very situational and obviously not always successful but I just thought I'd share the above because it illustrates that it's helpful when a toddler feels understood, and most importantly: acknowledging what they want doesn't necessarily mean you need to give in.