Advice re dealing with 3 year old 'bullying'

[MrTumblesCrackWhore]

I use the word 'bullying' but it's really just the usual mean stuff that 3 year olds can say to each other BUT my ds1 seems to be at the receiving end of more and more verbal taunts from one particular boy who he sees frequently, and it's getting worse. Ds1 is quite an emotional child and he seems to really getting quite upset and depressed about it.

The other boy, unfortunately happens to be the son of a friend, and ds1 goes to pre-school with him every day. The two of them have had issues in the past (my ds is certainly no angel either) but in general they have always got on more than they haven't. However, more recently, my friend's son (who is very bright) seems to enjoy getting a reaction out of my ds, who usually complies. It's been awkward but ok up to this point, but he has started getting other friends involved, telling them not to play with my ds. Ds was inconsolable the other day. Luckily, the other dc haven't joined in with excluding ds and he still appears to have a number of other friends at pre-school.

What I'm wondering is at what point do I intervene, and what do I say to ds? I've let my friend, the other boy's mum, know gently but although she does try to stop her ds, it hasn't stopped him.

I had considered that my ds was doing something to provoke the other boy, but ds is completely without guile and always tells me if he has done something wrong. In the case of this boy, he tells him he has done nothing and the other boy "tells him mean things all the time".

Oh how awkward :( It is unfortunate that the other boy's mum is your friend, or it would be easier for you to tell her about the situation and ask her to intervene. Despite potential awkwardness, I would tell her that while you know that kids will be kids blah blah and can often be cruel blah blah actually your ds is getting quite upset about it all. If a friend of mine told me that my ds (4) was behaving like that I would be having a serious chat with him (as well as feeling mortified), as that is not the way I want him to think it is acceptable to treat others. Of course kids will always be like "so-and-so isn't my friend anymore" but when it gets over the top like that I think it is important for a parent to step in. You could also have a word with the pre-school teacher, as if they are aware of it they can keep an eye out and encourage your ds to play with others. I had a quiet word with ds's teacher as his closest friend seemed to also be thumping ds on a regular basis and ds was getting upset by it, as well as coming home one day with a bruise and a lump under his eye where his 'friend' threw a block at him. I think she has just encouraged ds to play with other children too so he is not always in the situation where he is with his friend all the time. I hope you can resolve it.

I was in similar situation to you a while ago.

I found it really hard to deal with because I was bullied quite badly as a child. The first thing I did with my own child was ask him how he felt (he was always quite aggressive after nursery and towards me and DH) and then I told him how I would deal with it if I was him - by telling the other child politely and firmly "don't talk to me like that". I kept on reinforcing it to him.

The problem didn't go away immediately and we had to recruit the help of the teachers at his nursery to keep an eye on him (as I didn't know the parents I did not want to approach them). I remember that every day for a week I would just ask them continuously "how is he getting on? who did he play with? did he seem happy?"

Persistence, consistency and working together is key. Don't ever feel like a nag to the teachers because when they are at nursery it is their job to care for him. Also, don't be put off by protestations of "pre-school children don't bully", because they do.

The pre-school staff should be dealing with this. I'm not sure why they haven't already TBH. They should be involved in the play of children this age and teaching them how to manage conflict and the feelings of others.

Don't raise this with your friend. You will just risk your friendship and she is powerless to influence his behaviour in pre-school.

You definitely need to speak to the pre school staff. Let them know you are friends with the Mother...then when they approach her about her son, they will be able to word things as though it is THEY who have noticed this bullying....not that YOU have been in to complain.

Really, the Mother should have asked the pre school staff for their input on the matter...as your friend, it would have been the nice thing to do...to take the problem away from you as it were and saved you from having to be "The bad guy" which obviously you're not!

Go in, tell them what's happening (though they should have noticed really!) and point out that you do not want the Mother knowing you've complained.