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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

11 year old son toilet habits

9 replies

mia1234 · 05/02/2013 17:49

I am not sure if anyone can help me but really starting to get concerned about my sons toilet habits. He has always been a 'cleaner than average' boy, and if allowed would shower three times a day. He is also really particular about touching dirty things eg. putting bin bag out, putting his hand in washing up water etc. However my main concern is his 'bowels'. He started High School in september and now refuses to go for the bus until he has had a bowel movement each morning. He literally sits on the toilet for up to 40 minutes. I have tried to play it down, ignore, cojole, explain that he may damage his bowel but nothing works. He is now refusing to go to scout camp for the simple reason he would have to hold any bowel movement for the weekend as he 'cant go' at camp. Last camp he literally ran from the house to the car as he had 'held it in' all weekend. All his friends are going and they are lazer tagging which he loves but he is just refusing to go. I have offered to pack some wetwipes, explained his friends will be using the toilet but nothing works.... I am not bothered about him being away from us as enjoy my sons company but just getting worried the situation seems to be starting to affect his social life. I would be so grateful for anyone who could give me some advice. I did try and contact my local health visitor last year re his problem with being dirty but after three left messages and no reply I gave up. ... nb.. forgot to say that on a weekend he goes when he needs to and never mentions it ..

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fuzzpig · 05/02/2013 17:55

Does this seem relevant? Just wondering as it sounds like fear is at the root of his behaviour. Poor boy :(

Original poster

mia1234 · 05/02/2013 17:57

That is something I have never heard of but will look into it in more detail. Thank you.

OP posts:

DoctorAnge · 05/02/2013 17:59

Your poor boy.

I knew someone a youbg man who sadly went to an extreme of this and it almost ruined his whole life. He wouldn't get a job or go on a plane etc because the fear dominated his life.

He went into therapy at 21 and he got help I think it improved but I would definately nip it in the bud - as he is young he can be treated.

fuzzpig · 05/02/2013 18:03

You're welcome - I unfortunately share the anxiety, I have paruresis as well (ie can't even wee in public toilets!) and it really does affect me. I wondered if the reason he absolutely has to have a poo before school every day is because he doesn't want to use the school toilets.

I actually didn't even know there was a name for these conditions until really recently - I thought I was a total freak for worrying about these things but it is actually quite common.

I'm not sure about the Hygeine habits but it does seem to point to anxiety in general (something I really struggle with) - is there anything else that he worries about that may be relevant?

Original poster

mia1234 · 05/02/2013 19:28

He can be an anxious child,and I think has found the transition to high school from a small local school quite stressful (as I assume alot do), and it really is a large school with over 1300 pupils. I think alot of the older ones hang around the toilet and I can understand why it bothers him but the fact that it is now affecting out of school then this is what I am struggling with. Do you think it is worth going to the doctors? or try the health visitor again?? I have looked on the OCD website but really he has not got any other behaviours to indicate this

OP posts:

RachelHRD · 05/02/2013 20:04

He sounds quite similar to me in some ways and I suffer from contamination OCD which for me is linked to depression. I feel very uncomfortable if I cannot have a shower after a bowel motion and consequently I always go in the morning and shower after and if I have to go again (rare) I will have a quick shower after. This means that it has been a very long time since I used a Public toilet for a poo as I can't then shower after. I can use public toilets fir a wee and I can go on holiday as long as I have the use if a shower. I'm guessing this might be part of the reason why your son must go be c.f. ore school - perhaps coupled with a fear of going anywhere other than home.

The issue with bins also hints at contamination OCD to me. There is help out there for him and I would absolutely get help now so it can be addressed whilst he is still young enough to hopefully nip it in the bud. I would make an appointment with your GP and take it from there - they can refer him fir counselling and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which would help him deal with the anxiety issues behind his actions.

My OCD manifested when I was in my late 20's and it has been a struggle to control it.looking back now I think I exhibited classic signs when I was in my teens but it wasn't picked up on. He is young enough that if addressed now hopefully it won't become a life long burden for him.

Maybe ask for a phone apt with your Dr first so you can brief them about your concerns without DS there but definitely get him seen soon.

Big hugs xx

Ineedmorepatience · 05/02/2013 20:33

My Dd2 is similar about toilets, she will not use public toilets unless absolutely desparate.
She struggles on holiday because we go camping which obviously means sharing toilets. She will not poo away from home and with holds poo for far too long.

She never used school toilets and somedays had to run home from school because she was soo desparate. Secondary school toilets are notoriously horrid and that is just the girls ones

I think we have begun to help her by suggesting that she takes a little body/spray with her to the loo as her biggest fear is that other people will smell her poo. Sorry tmi!

I would definitely try to get some helo for your ds so that this doesnt spiral out of control. I am dreading Dd3 going to secondary because I know she wont use the toilets either. She has ASD and toilets are a whole other challenge for her but thats another story.

Good luck

Original poster

mia1234 · 06/02/2013 07:27

Thanks for all comments and advice. I will contact the dr for an appointment and as suggested go on my own first. Thanks alot

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 06/02/2013 07:56

Glad you will see a doctor :) definitely emphasise how this is having a physical impact on his life, use concrete examples, as it shows how severe it is rather than just being a bit of a worrier IYSWIM.

No matter what his issue is - whether or not it has a name or is serious enough to warrant a diagnosis - he does need help, and I totally agree about nipping it in the bud. Particularly with OCD type behaviour, it can really get worse without treatment rather than just staying the same throughout life - you add more and more things to the list of things to avoid/check etc. IME anyway.

Good luck :)

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