Nana and Grandad dilema - your opinions pls?

[robyn2]

Just wanted some mn views on my dilemma.

I have just had my 1st baby who is now 8 weeks old, the other week my husbands parents who live 30 minutes away said to my husband if you would like a night off anytime we'd be more than happy for her to stay with us, husband didn't really say much back as his feeling was not yet she,s too young. The other day they came round and said we'd really like to take the baby out for a the afternoon some time next week? neither DH or I said much and I had a deep feeling of panic at the thought (my first feeling was no I couldn't see them drive off with my baby, what if they have a car accident or something?) I later brought this up with DH and he said let them they will be fine and I think they just want to enjoy an afternoon with her pushing the pram and that sort of thing. However im just not happy about being parted from my baby like that, I feel ill be stuck at home feeling really awful. Baby is bottle fed due to spending the 1st 2 weeks in the special baby care unit so its not as though they cant take her away but im just not happy to be parted like that just yet.

Am I being silly and over protective or even selfish? When did you other mn mothers first let grandparents take your babies out? Its not that I dont trust them im sure they would take great care of her but I just have a deep feeling of dread at the thought of being separated from my little bundle at the moment as she's only been home 6 weeks. Part of me is really annoyed that they are putting me under this pressure, I wish they would back off a bit, to be honest they've never bothered with us much until the little one arrived and now theyre popping in all the time. We also call in a their house once a week so they can see her so im in no way denying them of their grand child. I am happy for them to come and see us and even push the pram around our village but I feel that's enough at the moment.

I know that husband should just tell them how it is but I know he will find this impossible as talking and emotions doesn't seem to be something he and his family do and he doesn't want to cause problems between me and them. Likewise I would find it difficult to say no to them as I know they would take it like I don't trust them.

Your opinions would be much appreciated?

It sounds like you could do with being honest. They think they're doing you a favour by taking baby off your hands. You don't feel ready for any favours yet and that's absolutely fine. Your baby is so tiny! Don't feel bad about it at all. Why not suggest you maybe go with them initially for the walk in addition to the visits? You can always make up some excuse about wanting to shed baby pounds and walk as much as possible.

If they don't get the hint, then maybe you just need to be honest and say you'd love them to take your baby off your hands in a few months' time but at the moment you'd rather spend the time nurturing while s/he's so young. I think that's fine. It might be better if your husband could say it but if he won't, then you'll have to do it yourself before resentment builds up.

We have fallen out with grandparents and the main problem has been lack of communication. It's the root of all evil.

From about 7 weeks old we went out to a dance class for two hours on a Monday. (The first few weeks I spent half of it sitting down exhausted!) GPs looked after baby in our flat for that time. He was BF, and totally rejected EBM in bottles, so I fed him before going out and when back. Mainly he spent the evening screaming because I wasn't there (wrong smell or something). This could also be true of a bottle fed baby - it's not just the milk, it's the way you hold them that they 'recognise' and are comforted by.

If your DH and his family can't talk frankly, I suppose you will have to say what you think. The honest answer is that leaving such a young baby makes you anxious, what a lovely offer but you wouldn't get any relaxation out of it. Maybe in a few months' time you will ask them, when you are ready and happier to leave her. Perhaps also set the scene that the first time out alone with GPs could be in the pram local to you while you get a nap at home or upload all your photos to the computer, or some other specific thing (especially if you are not keen on them driving your baby in the car).

I would have felt exactly the same with my firstborn. I agree - talk to them honestly and see how it goes. How about if you went out rather than them, so that you're in control of how long you're parted from the baby (eg you go for a walk for half an hour, leaving them with the baby at home)? What I would say, though, is keep them on side if you can. I used to get a bit irritated with my ILs because they were always wanting to take the boys when they were babies, and they wouldn't pay much attention to my vast lists of instructions. Now, however (the boys are 5 and 2), it's an absolute godsend. When they come to stay, they set off with the little one for a 'bit of a walk' and I don't see them until three hours later . And (unlike my parents) they're not constantly asking me for instructions on what they need to do. I'm leaving the boys with them for three days in a couple of months' time, while DH and I have a long weekend in Italy. Believe me, you'll be very, very glad of your ILs one day!!

I had exactly the same with my mil! She wanted to take ds for a walk without me from birth!
I was breast feeding so it was physically impossible but now my ds is 6 months old and she has not taken him out without me yet!
Although she could take him now as he goes for longer stretches without feeding I am still not ready for that. The breastfeeding was a convenient excuse but I decided to be honest too!
In order to deal with this I told her that she was more than welcome to come out with us to the shops/park/on a walk but I was and still am not comfortable with anyone having my baby without me.
She might not like it but she's had to put up with it!

Hi Robyn

I don't think you are being in the slightest bit silly or overprotective. I have 2 ds's 4 and 2 and would not have felt at all comfortable leaving them with anyone, grandparents included for the first few months. both of mine were also in intensive care and special care units for first couple of weeks so i understand what thats like as well. like the other posters i would decline politely and/or offer alternatives that you are happy with. There may well be resistance on their part and at the very least you will probably be labelled as being 'overprotective' etc but its best to be clear from the beginning. i think its a boundaries issue to be honest and you need to be the one to put them in place as they are not in a position to respect them it seems. i think you're perfectly right in being a bit annoyed and wishing they would back off as they are putting pressure on you - its far too early and they should respect this. Good luck and you are totally right! :-)

The first tine I let them out of my sight for an afternoon was probably on the settling in before I returned back to work. How about would you feel if they came to lunch and then took the baby out for a walk, but just for an hour?

Noooo not overreacting at all, if anyone had tried to part me from either of my dc's at 8 weeks I would have clawed their face off!! There is a maternal instinct that doesn't want to let your baby out of your sight until they are a little less tiny and helpless (when they are a bit bigger this changes and you start desperately willing any old passerby to offer to babysit them so you can have a break). I expect your MIL has forgotten what it feels like to be the mum of a newborn - or else her desperate urge to relive the babytime, this time as a grandparent, has made her lose sight of that. But YOU are the important one here. Grandparents are great, and certainly have their uses when it comes to childcare, but this is definitely too soon. I would get your dh to firmly say to them "we'd find it a little hard to part with her just yet" but in a couple of months time that would be great. In the meantime, go out for a walk with them and let them do some buggy-pushing. x

My dd is five months and I still won't let anyone have her!!!

I'm ebf which is a great excuse as she won't take a bottle at all.

Ill leave her with dp obviously whilst I shower or go back to bed for a hour but that's about it.

I make no excuses. I'm not ready. That's it

I know exactly what you mean. We had tickets for a gig when I was pg that got canceled and rescheduled for Feb 17th. At the time we blithely assumed that we'd ask friends/family to babysit and enjoy an evening to ourselves. Now time is upon us, we're trying to encourage O to accept bottles and seem to be getting there so could well be fine by then. Dh has asked his parents if they'd mind babysitting and they seem v happy to. My issue is that every time they've come so far they've said things like 'I'd better sit down to hold him', and generally seemed a bit tentative, which makes me worry about how they'll cope on their own for what could be almost 4 hours.Also (a bit silly) when we mentioned casually, not as a worry, that O isn't sleeping through yet, mil suggested giving him formula overnight. To me this is overkill for what isn't a big problem for us and he's only just over 5 weeks anyway! If he has problems settling I wonder how they'll cope.. Dh was an only child and that was 30 years ago. I'm probably being silly but am nervous of leaving him with them and if I'm honest not keen. I know I wouldn't worry if it were my mother (we exactly share parenting principles,) or a friend of ours who has looked after a six month old very recently, and pils are lovely people who I really have no real reason to doubt but can't shake this worry. We are going out for a meal the day before valentines and my mum will look after O for two hours, and we'll be 10 minutes walk up the road, so am hoping that will alleviate my worries. If we needed to come back quickly from the gig it would take about half an hour.