TRYING NOT TO LOSE TEMPER

[Bonniebrowndog]

We have a Three year old girl, and a boy of 20 months. Just lately, I seem to lack patience and usually end up shouting at our eldest, which of course makes things worse. Usually, it's when I've asked for co-operation numerous times, or when she is bullying her brother, which of course is playing to her cause when she wants some attention.

Any tips on how to stay calm would be greatly appreciated

thanks

I know how you feel recently I've been feeling so angry all too often as I have really had enough of having to shout before our ds does as I ask. I have taken to walking out of the room counting and having a silent scream it kind of helps and I keep trying to remind myself of nice things which isn't easy. So sorry no tips but at least I'm not alone and neither are you!

Silently repeating the mantra "you're a brat and it's a phase" again and again sometimes works for me.

Bonniebrowndog - I know exactly how you and loo feel, I get like that too. Wish I had a magic cure for you, but I don't. I find mine go through naughty/good phases, so I'm hoping this naughty phase that they're going through will soon pass. I know how hard it is to keep your cool when they are really, really pushing their luck. Hang in there. As loo says, you're not alone!

Snap - I control myself (sometimes) with the awful fear that when they get bigger, all they will remember is Mummy getting mad at them.

My neighbour is unable to have children, so whenever I want to scream my head off at them, I think about whether she could hear me and how awful it would sound.

I take a deep breath and realise how lucky I am to have them (however horrible, screamy, beastly, pain in the bums they are!).

Sometimes when I am about to reach sceaming point I try and imagine I am at the top of a high mountain looking down on the tantrum, helping me to mentally distance myself from what is going on.

I have also developed a new voice. Since my voice can easily sound high pitched and piercing when I shout, I now deliberately lower it the angrier I get. It still sounds like I am cross, but my words come out in a more powerful and controlled way. And because that's how I sound, it's easier to be like that inside. Sort of!

I don't think its very helpful to force yourself to be calm - tension just builds inside you, and you can end up taking it out on someone else who doesn't deserve it, or giving yourself a migraine.
I always say to the children something like - "I am too angry to talk to you at the moment. I am going into the kitchen (or wherever) and when you are ready to be nice please come and find me." This is a kind of time out for me, and when the child comes to find me we can go on in a good mood with each other. You could always take one of the children with you, if they are being thumped or bullied.

Bonniebrowndog, please don't feel bad about this - as you can see from this thread, we are all in the same boat!

Bee, I see what you mean but sometimes, I can play the same sort of tricks on myself that work so well with small children - I try and distract myself. If ds is behaving in an unhelpful way whilst on the toilet or during his dinner, it helps me to hum a tune in my head or remember something funny/cute that he had said or done earlier. I am not sure if I am supressing my annoyance but sometimes I get so bogged down with the little things that I find it helpful to actively remind myself of big , important picture.

Of course this does not mean that I am always a vision of calm mumminess - usually I get cross and then regret it, so it is helpful to know how others avert the regret by not getting cross in the first place.

I know how you all feel, and it hard to control your anger when they are naughty and I think there is some good tips from you all.
I do lose my temper with my to boys sometimes, but I do also look at it in a way that our children are only kids for such a short time and we do sometime think that they are older than they really are, I am from Denmark and there they do not go to school before 6 or 7 I do belive that when you look at a 5 year old in this contry we expect a lot more of them than in other contrys like Denmark, they get to be children for a lot longer which I think is good.
My 5 year old told me today that he would like to be a baby again, he has just lost his first baby tooth and was very proved and so was I, but things are hard becaus he is the oldest and I have to say that my 2 year old give as good as he gets but we tend to blame the older one, dont know if you agree?
Just enjoy the time we have with them, no one know what is around the corner.

I know how you feel too bonnie, I hate those days when you feel like all you do is yell and scream and "lose it" with the kids, and then you collapse in bed with a huge guilt-trip, feeling like a dragon...I am a troll sometimes lol. That's when I start to worry that all they will remember of being a child is mummy was always yelling at them...I'm sure it's not true but the next day I always try that little bit harder to make happy memories!!!

They just know how to push your buttons, and there are always times when it is worse, like bedtime or when you are trying to get ready to go out, or you have something important or urgent to get done...they all have in common of course that they want your attention at these times, so they act up and THEY GET IT, although not usually in an ideal way!

Sigh...the only thing to do is either remove yourself or them to a different room until you/they calm down, or to take some deep breaths (breathe in thru nose for count of 6, hold for count of 5, breath out slowly through lips for count of 7 - it works! I think it distracts you as well as lowering your blood pressure lol) In any case, the occasional outburst isn't going to scar your kids forever...so try not to let it get you down too much!

A good mantra is "this too shall pass"... It applies to almost everything!

Mollipops I love your nickname and I love the "this too shall pass..." I shall start trying that one!

Found these tips on how to calm in a health guide I picked up from my doctor's a while ago (but never even looked at until today) and thought they might be useful:-

1. Breathe slowly and deeply and count to 10.
2. Remind yourself that you are the adult, and can set a good example to your child of how to behave.
3. Think about what you are about to say. How would you feel if another adult said it to you?
4. Go into another room or somewhere on your own for a minute and think about why you are angry. Is it really because of your child or is something else upsetting you?
5. Speak to your partner or someone you know. The problem may not seem so bad once you've shared it with another adult.
6. Go outside for a breath of fresh air.
7. When things really get you down, plan a treat for yourself. Choose something that makes you feel good - a quiet cup of tea alone or a hot bath (or even better, a glass of wine - can you tell that's my idea, not theirs!)
8. Humour is sometimes the best remedy. Try to see the funny side of things if you can.
9. Leave the room and scream if you feel like it. It is better to shout at the walls than at the children.
10. Visualise a beautiful, peaceful scene, or your own idea of paradise. This can help to calm you down.

I resisted adding too many of my own silly comments to the list as I thought, in the words of Ali G, I'd 'keep it real!' Hope everyone is feeling better about things

Hej hej Dane. Hilsa fra sverige.

Hur lenge har du bodd i england? Vi flyttade til Malmö siste augusti. Jeg borjar å läre svensk och min mann kommer fra norge. Der er fint att det er en scandivnask til her.

Hej då!