Struggling with (nearly 5 yo) dds behaviour....

[Dinkysmummy]

I apologise in advance for the length of this post... I don't have anyone I can really talk to about it.
So dd (aged 5 in two weeks!) is not diagnosed with anything despite the best efforts of everyone I meet! (which in itself is very frustrating)

My main problem is dinky at home and at school.
Dinky started school in September and I told them we have had a big upheaval in the fact we are technically homeless, living in a hostel and her behaviour has been worse, and we have had the health visitors out and they want to wait and see how she goes. After the first 6 weeks I did get told of a few incidents regarding dinky. (hiding under tables and once she hit a kid with a truck). I had parents evening and wasn't told much about any other behaviour except she doesn't listen, doesn't sit still, can be overly disruptive and becomes very concerned when children are not in. After she hit the kid with the truck I went to the doc and they referred to CAMHS as I had other concerns at home. The deputy (also the ANL) got dinky into play therapy in November.
The teacher still said next to nothing about dinky just the odd bit here and there about having a hard day.

January everything changed.
I was called in by the deputy who said dinky was being put on the SEN register at school action plus as they wanted to do a CAF form because they feel the referral to CAMHS isn't comming fast enough.
I heard from the play therapist who said that the teacher was really struggling with dinkys behaviour, yet I hadn't been told this.

At home...
She doesn't stop. Form 5 am to 7 pm(or later) she is on the go. I have had to draw pictures of the routine with the time to make it easier for her to follow as she was always asking when is it breakfast, when is lunch and it was always a fight to get her to realise that even though she said she wasn't tired it was bedtime. I only take her out to go to school as she runs off and hides or melts down. When she really has had enough she turns into the hulk, she either hits me or starts hitting everything around her. I have lost count of the ammount of times I have had to physically restrain her in public.

At school.... I'll give a run down of the last week
Monday..
I was called after dinky said she wanted to escape and was found climbing the school fence during lunch.
Tuesday
The teacher said something to dinky when she was already agitated and dinky ran, it took myself the ANL and two other members of staff to calm her down.
Wednesday
She pushed another kid over
Thursday
Not much I don't think
Friday...
Well, the morning started with a fight with her only real friend, the teacher just stood there. I had to remove dinky from the class and the ANL was called aswell as the school welfare officer to calm her down.
During the day she had to be restrained and I got a phone call from the ANL saying dinky hadn't moved her arm for two hours, as I went to get her I got another call to say she was fine.
After school she refused to hold my hand, ran off, then got herself stuck in the picnic table so the welfare officer and a TA had to help me wiggle her out, then she ran off again and the ANL was called... Again.

The ANL is lovely and has been really good to us. She assured me after seeing me with dinky it is not a lack of parenting skills, and is the only other person apart from me who can calm dinky down.

January came as such a shock to me, especially the fact that i had no idea how much the teacher struggled with dinkys behaviour, i thought it was mostly at home. I asked for a contact book, on the advice of another mum. The teacher agreed to it (as long as it was manageable). It has been going for a week and honestly there is nothing in it that helps me understand what goes on at school.
Thursday the entry is 'bit tricky'. That's it. What does that even mean?
The others are along the same lines
'up and down today' x3
'good effort in the afternoon'

I just don't know what to do...
I'm struggling at the moment.

(posted on sn board too)

Oh I am so sad to hear this, I really don't have any experience of this (despite having a very challenging DS who has just turned 5 but has recently turned a corner regarding his behaviour) but wanted to reply to you and bump it up the board. Much support and hugs to you both

Hi - Not surprised you're struggling. We went through similar problems with our DS when he started school and now has a dx of ASD.

The waiting list for our local clinical psych was over 15 months long, but we found that asking the GP for a referral to the community paed was a shortcut into starting the dx process and also for getting referrals to the SALT and OT for help.

DS was on school action plus and has similar problems with impulse control, hyperactivity and social skills. He had a list of behaviour targets on his IEP and the communication book concentrated on how he was doing with those. Your comms book doesn't sound much use if they aren't really letting you know whats happening.

Thank you tigersmummy for the reply and for the support...

Thank you philmcaverty for the reply,
A few people I know think my dd is on the autism spectrum (high functioning end). Someone I sort of know said her son was down for an urgent appointment with the pead and it will take 3 months! I dread to think how long a new referral would take!
This is all so new to me.
Yeah the comms book is rubbish. I am going to take it in to the ANL/senco this week and see what she says. To be honest it seemed like i was asking the world of the teacher when I asked her to do it in the first place. So I don't know what the ANL/senco will say.

I'm glad you got the dx and help for your son and I hope he is doing well

Poor both of you.

Just my experience in that I know a a small number of children who, at about age 4-6 were made homeless and living in a hostel. It effected all of them behaviourally and emotionally, things like wetting the bed, and anger. Those I have known are now between the ages of 11 and 41, and all came out the other side and these things cleared gradually.

For the communication book, ask them to split the day into chunks and do a happy face, okay face or sad face with explanation. So you'd get for example:
Arrival-break
Break
Break-lunch
lunch
lunch-end
That way you can pick up if there's a particular time she's struggling with-with my ds it became very quickly obvious lunch/break was when he struggled.
I would assume "bit tricky" means generally not just getting on with the work, but it could mean chatty/refusal/answering back so not totally helpful. I would ask that they explain it, because I found that being able to discuss with ds what he'd done and what he should have done, very helpful for him.

Do you know where you are on the housing list? I wonder whether if you can get Senco to say that your dd is disturbed about the situation it might bump you up. Hope you get given a fantastic place soon.

Thank you DeWe,
The thing is when I look back she had problems before the homelessness. I remember telling the person we lived with that I was concerned that the Playgroup had said dinky was 'going backwards'. I asked to see her EYFS folder and her KW said that she hadn't written much as it 'wouldn't be fair on her'.

In other news...
The comms book is a joke! Today I stood outside the classroom to the side (as they were breaking the risk assessment by not having a member of staff by the door!), I saw dinky punch another child, the child went to the TA and the TA told dd off... I didnt mention I'd seen it and they didn't know I was there. Her comms book says 'some really lovely times'... That is it for the whole day... Ok so some lovely times include punching her 'friend'?

Sometimes I don't know why I bother.... :(