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help me understand dd (5) please

14 replies

familyfun · 02/02/2013 15:56

dd1 says i dont listen properly and i dont understand her. we are having a few "kevin and perry" type arguements lately and i admit i dont understand why she is being like it.
eg. the bath mat had slid right up to the cupbaord. dd1 says "look the bathmat is underneath the cupboard but i didnt do it". i said it wasnt underneath but was against it. she repeated" i didnt do it". i said i knew she didnt do it, nobody did it, it wasnt underneath it had just slid. she then erupted into a screaming fit that i didnt understand her, she hadnt done it but she was just saying she hadnt done it, she knew i wasnt blaming her just saying. Hmm
eg. i fetched 2 bobbles for dd1 and 2 bobbles for dd2 to do their hair. dd2 picked up her small bobble and said "my bobble". dd1 picked up her 2 bobbles and screeched "no they are my bobbles not yours". i said dd2 had picked up her own bobble not dd1s so they both had their own bobbles. dd2 (2) says again "my bobble" whilst holding her own bobble. dd1 screeches "theyre my bobbles" whilst holding her own bobbles. i said theyre was no need for shouting, they both had their own bobbles and dd2 wasnt trying to get dd1s bobbles. again dd1 said i didnt understand, she knew they had theyre own bobbles, knew dd2 wasnt getting hers and knew dd2 was talking about her own bobble. i asked her why she was screeching "no they are my bobbles"then. she said i wasnt listening to her.

its like she is trying to argue when there is no arguement.
she is a bit jealous of dd2 and will say she is. i try to be fair with them. if 1 is holding a toy the other has to wait till they have finished. dd1 wants whatever dd2 is holding, asks for it and if told no just tries to snatch. when i say no, she screeches we never give her anything.

am i missing something, as its only been this week she is saying i dont understand her.

outside the house she is meek and quiet and doenst say boo to a goose.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/02/2013 16:03

Hmmm how are things at School at the moment? Is she getting time with just you sometimes?

The books Siblings without Rivalry and How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, have both been absolute life savers with my now 4 & 5 year old. Well worth buying.

familyfun · 02/02/2013 16:13

she is struggling with some over confident/boisterous/destructive children on her table at school who tell her she is wrong all the time and ruin her work. the teachers are aware and punish the children, its not just against dd, its against all the others but she is very sensitive and is very hurt by it. she takes it out on me and dd2.
she doesnt get much time alone with me in the week. talk on the way to and from school. 20 mins reading at bedtime.
i take her on her own to an activity at the weekend and watcha dn praise her.
i spend 2 hrs sat and sun playing games/craft with her while dd2 sleeps.

OP posts:
familyfun · 02/02/2013 16:14

she tantrums like a 2 yr old, kicking her feet, crying, bright red in face.

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/02/2013 16:21

Oh bless her. School can be hard. I spend a lot of time trying to dissect my daughters feelings and saying things like 'are you feeling cross?' 'Is it because of x' etc. Basically helping her to name her feelings and express them better. All from those books. It seems to help her but if she shouts a lot then yes, she is sent to her room or for a time out and then I talk to her again, once she's calm.

She also repeats things she's heard at School but they do not necessarily apply to whatever we're discussing. I have to try to explain she's using that statement in the wrong context a lot and try and dig deeper on what's bothering her and name it for her iyswim? It calms her faster if I can name what she's feeling and acknowledge it, even if I do not necessarily agree. It's also teaching her, next time how better to express herself. It does require patience and letting her speak too. I feel like Kofi Annan with my two a lot!

I'm sure some more people will be along in a bit but it is normal imo.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/02/2013 16:25

I really would recommend those books. It's been hugely helpful to me.
How old is DD2? Is she just getting to a stage where DD1 is realising she will want to share more and do more things like her? That can be hard on them.

familyfun · 02/02/2013 16:27

yes she repeats sayings and words from school that the girls use against her. she has lots of lovely friends too and always has people to play with.
she is far worse when dp is home from work, she literally wants all his attention and will do anything to get it, shout,scream, talk and climb on him, stand on things, bang things.
he also tries to spend some time with her alone but its hard around work.

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familyfun · 02/02/2013 16:29

dd2 is 2.2. at first dd1 would let her have her toys and play with her, but once dd2 could get about and take things she got more and more jealous and possessive. she wants all of dd2s toys but wont share her own.

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/02/2013 16:41

It sounds like sibling rivalry. Healthy but hard on us parents.

Can you do sticker charts, loads of praise and put on the calendar special times with daddy and you, she can look forward to. And you may need to change routines after school collection to help, so she feels she gets time with you after being at School all day. She maybe jealous that dd2 gets more time with you? And buy the book Wink

They can appear calm to others but be a whirling dervish of emotion within. Especially with school problems too. It maybe worse right now due to that.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/02/2013 16:50

Thinking about it, I put a stair gate on my DDs door so she felt she had somewhere to play alone undisturbed for a while. That helped.

Smudging · 02/02/2013 17:00

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Smudging · 02/02/2013 17:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

familyfun · 03/02/2013 14:46

they share a bedroom but dd2 isnt allowed to play upstairs alone, so dd1 can play in her room anytime she wants without dd2 there.
all her older toys are on higher shelves that dd2 cant reach so her things dont get broken.
we have tried to give her some space.
she has a friend to play most weeks and i keep dd2 away so the big girls can play undisturbed.
but dd2 snapped her hairband today and she really cried Sad

have been a bit more hardline this morning, special teddys are their won but all other toys out in boxes are free for all and whoever is holding has it and cant be snatched off, done it equally for them both and they have asked each other to play together Smile
dd1 been argueing back though, asked for an orange (she constantly pesters for food) and when i said no (shes had 2 already and a banana) she said "yes i am" and went to climb up to get one. i just lifted her down and said no.

OP posts:
familyfun · 03/02/2013 14:47

oh and thank you, i will get those books from the library

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 03/02/2013 15:55

My DD does things like that and is promptly sent for a time out.

Glad you're going to look into those books, they're full of ideas to help.

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