Advice on 7 yr old's angry outbursts

[NotDrowning]

My DD (7) has always been a rather tempestuous girl - the terrible twos started at 1.5 and never really seem to have stopped. Although she is lovely in most respects and doing fine at school, she still has temper tantrums when things don't go her way - 2 or 3 times per week, and sometimes more often. She gets really cross, and the only tactic DH and I have found works is putting her in her room and letting her calm down on her own. But she's getting a bit big to carry upstairs safely (when she's flailing about) and there must surely be a better way to help her get calm / avoid getting so angry. Waiting for her to 'grow out of it' clearly isn't working. Any ideas, advice or recommendations for books would be much appreciated.

what's her take on it, does she know why she is frustrated?

That's a good question. When she has calmed down I do try speaking to her about it sometimes - but she's extremely reluctant to talk about it. The most I've got out of her is 'I feel angry' or 'I want my own way' - which I don't think really gets me much further in trying to understand what would help avoid her getting into such an angry state. Clearly we try to avoid things we know are triggers, treat her more gently when we know she's tired etc - but that in itself isn't enough. We just don't have any way to help head off the tantrums once she has started, she just seems to wind herself up, won't listen, no soothing words have any effect.... She never gets whatever it is that is the immediate cause of the anger, so I don't think it's really about using this behaviour to get her own way, it must be more about dealing with negative emotions like disappointment / frustration / lack of control. These outbursts only ever happen at home - no anger problems at school or other places.

We have given dd - 7 a notebook and she writes down what makes her angry. Most of the time she is persuaded to go to her room, she stays there, writes it down & calms down in the process. Reading her book is seems the tinest, silliest things are to her the final straw. We then talk about it, it's no magic solution but it seems to be helping.

Thanks! That's a really interesting idea. Will definitely give that a try. I know there are no magic answers, but I really need some new things to try as I am completely stuck at the moment.

I've got a very similar DD8, we had to have building work done to provide her with her own room to send her to during her angry outbursts! I've just done the notebook too. Seems to be working...apart from the first time she wrote something in it and then marched into my room and threw it at me. Oh well. Sorry, I haven't got any other suggestions, just showing some solidarity with you!

Eglantyne - thanks for the solidarity - very much appreciated. Your story of your DD throwing the book at you made me laugh - sounds very much like something mine would do. Oh well indeed. But great to hear that the book idea seems to be having a positive effect overall for you & Roundabout1.

Have any of you reading this thought about consulting a child psychologist? A couple of years ago I did get a health visitor to visit and she gave some useful advice, but it hasn't made a fundamental change and I am wondering if other professionals might be helpful?

I have thought about getting help, but for me in dealing with it, not so much for her. I have come to the conclusion that, like it or not, this is just how she is, and it's up to me to cope with her. I was an angry child, but it was put down to parents's divorce etc. But perhaps I'd have been like it anyway? I'm still quite hot headed, with a very strong sense of justice, but it can be a positive thing. The world needs passionate people to get things done, to campaign for human rights etc etc. I just need to find a way to guide dd to "use her powers for good and not evil"! It also helps to remember, as dh has pointed out this evening reducing me to tears, that she's just a little girl who still believes in Father Christmas. Even when she's screaming at us.
Again, no practical advice, just some musings.

Hello everyone, I just stumbled on this thread as I have a 4yo DS who is also very angry. He has always been 'highly strung' since he was a baby really and like you NotDrowning, we just try to avoid any triggers where we can. Sadly my dad passed away unexpectedly in December. DS1 was very close to him and since then he has also started getting angry at pre-school, so I am anxious to try to work out what is happening. I don't want my DS being the boy in the class who nobody wants to play with.

I went to see the GP on Friday (in tears) to see what can be done. She suggested doing a local parenting course, so I'm going to ring them tomorrow to find out more. I think Eglantyne, you've hit the nail on the head. It's all about me trying to find a way to deal with it. He has been like this all his little life and so I'm probably not going to change him, but if I can change how I deal with the outbursts then hopefully life will be more harmonious for all of us. Also, as you say, to try to turn his passion into a positive thing, rather than the negative thing which at the moment is all that I can see.

LadyHel sorry to hear about your Dad. You must be going through a tough time anyway, even without any other worries. I was thinking about what you and Eglantyne said about having to accept that quickness to anger is part of our children's nature. And also that changing how we ourselves deal with it may be the most effective thing to do. While both of those feel true to me I also feel I don't want to just accept my DD's anger as a fact of life. I do find it really draining and (sometimes) upsetting. I don't want a life with a lot of shouting in it, I'm doing my best not to join in the shouting, but that hasn't made things good enough really.

If somebody could give me a glimpse into the future and show me that DD as a teenager / young adult has found ways to overcome much of her anger, or use it in constructive ways, then that would be fine, I could try and cope with her the way she is. But what if she can't change on her own? Then I'd really like to find something that helps, for her sake as well as my own. If anybody has any magic wands available, let me know .