Aggression in three year old ds, normal?

[Ihaveathreenager]

He is three and a half. Aggression really started around the time he started preschool where he learned things like shooting and this week we've had "I'll stab you!" which I think I like less than the shooting.
He's very obstructive and stubborn anyway but has taken to saying things like "if you say no to me then I will shoot you" and then doing shooting actions. He also says things like "I'm going to poke you in the eye and laugh" I can't understand where it is coming from, he's mainly at home with me and I never even shout at him let alone show aggression towards him. Today we had "if you don't do what i want I will break all my toys" so I put away the toys in question and he had a huge hyperventilating tantrum.
Is this normal? Is he spoilt or is there something else? He has always been demanding and full on. Never what I'd term an easy child in anyway. He has issues with being overstimulated and also with food. And sleep until quite recently. Basically he's hard work. Added in that he is the size of a six year old. I worry if he continues being so aggressive he will hurt someone, although apparently he is not aggressive to other children at nursery. His aggression is mainly aimed at me.
Thoughs?

This is only a very small amount of information and there's very little about how you respond to him. Having said that I have to wonder if he's doing it because he's getting a reaction from you.

If a three year old told me he would break all his toys if he didn't get his own way I would call his bluff and tell him it was up to him. If he did break anything it would go in the bin and not be replaced.

My ds is 4 and started nursery in September. Despite having gone to a creche 3 days a week previously, nursery was a bit of an eye-opener. Right from the start he was coming home upset as so-and-so "hitted me". He came out of school one day with a lump and bruise under his eye and a split lip where one boy had thrown a brick at him (I presumed this to be a wooden block rather than something you build a house with - this is a nice village school not the Bronx). His friend (unfortunately one of the main offenders) came home with a bite mark on his shoulder.

There definitely seems to be a lot of aggression going on, whether it is simply their age as boys go through a testosterone surge around now, or possibly establishing a bit of a pecking order. So your ds isn't the only one being aggressive at this age. My ds went through a phase of pretending to karate kick and saying "I will chop you!", which he has got from tv unfortunately. I have previously let him watch Power Rangers, which I regret and now no longer let him watch. He seems to have forgotten about it now thankfully, but it goes to show how sensitive they are to the things they see. We stick to good old Cbeebies now and 'nice' things like Thomas the Tank Engine and Fireman Sam!

I would be a bit careful about his toys, too. Train sets and cars are not going to set off any bad behaviour in the way that toy soldiers and power rangers and encouraging fighting play might.

Even if he seems to not be listening, keep giving him the message that this is a line that he must not cross. Establishing boundaries now, even if they don't seem to be heeded, will help in the long run.

Normal I think. DS has just come out of the other side of a phase like this, it's a relief! He still talks about punching people and kicking them now though even though I know he wouldn't do it :( It's sad how they're socialised like this at such a young age. The punching/kicking talk comes from older cousins. I don't let him play violent video games or watch stuff with fighting in.

It's not just the boys either - DS learnt all about guns and shooting people in his first week from a girl in his class! :)

I think you do need to be firm with your boundaries about acceptable/unacceptable behaviour and then when he is being nice just lots of reassurance and love and attention. I also found that talking to DS when he was calm about things helps a lot, but it is just part of them growing up, starting to take influence from their peers rather than just you and becoming a young child rather than a toddler.

Oh and fake it till you make it to an extent - it sounds horrible but it's been a chore to spend time with DS over the past few months as everything was turning into a competition or a battle or a micromanagement exercise which was frankly exhausting, but the other day we made gingerbread men together and it was actually FUN! It wasn't constant "Don't do that, be careful, watch out, this is hot, don't spill it!" etc but he just listened and co-operated and asked and we even managed to have a giggle over it. It's nice to have him back

He doesn't really have any "aggressive" toys, he has trucks, trains, a kitchen, a zoo, blocks etc.
not does he watch anything aggressive on tv. However I do agree some of it is to get a rise from me.
A lot of it is "what if?" He did say "what if I tread on the guinea pig? Will it kill it?" But it was said with a smirk. I didn't like that at all and explained about them not being toys etc and then put the pets away. He just seems to be pushing the boundaries a lot. I try and ignore and distract as much as I can but sometime I can't ignore it. He gets plenty of attention so don't think it's that...
The initial shooting thing was definitely from nursery because he said that other boys had been "shooting" at him do eventually he shot back.
Sigh. I'm sure people with girls don't have this problem!

Oh, x post. Maybe they do Bertie!

Also how old is your ds Bertie? How long will this phase last?!

He's 4.4 now, it started low-level when he first started nursery which was almost exactly a year ago, but the physical aggression got really bad maybe 6 months or so ago? I kept assuming it was a phase and trying to manage it "gently" but this really wasn't working, when DP came over to visit (he works abroad) he was really shocked by the way DS was being with me and we ended up working out a plan - DS now gets a warning and if he continues then I put him in his room and it's helped a lot, but when I first did this he'd really pull out all the stops, he scratched me so badly I had a mark for about two weeks, and used to pull my hair really hard and try to bite/kick me. It's hard because he's not an aggressive child - but he was really aggressive with me!

I don't think that the smirking etc is anything to be concerned about. They really don't understand about killing, death etc, but they can understand enough that it's a bit of a taboo so they think it's funny in the same way as poo and bums and willies are funny (oh, we had a huge phase of this as well which seems to have disappeared with ignoring it and telling him nobody wanted to talk to him until he put his willy/bum away) - it's just because they can tell it's a bit "naughty" to talk about. If you explain it to him in a matter of fact way then it will probably come to seem less funny/naughty to him, but obviously it's tricky to explain what death is without scaring them! DS keeps "killing" things in games etc but then saying it's okay because it came back, even though we've talked about it he doesn't really understand I don't think.

But do answer his question. "Yes if you stepped on the guinea pig it would hurt the guinea pig a lot and it probably would kill it, and we would all be very sad." I probably would put the GP away just in case he thought you were giving him permission to do it! Another good technique is to ask him what he thinks would happen if he stepped on the guinea pig and whether it would be a nice or a nasty thing to do. You can get him thinking by thinking about what would happen if somebody stepped on his foot etc. And then talk about what would happen if the guinea pig died etc.

Sometimes when you're talking about stuff they don't appear to take it in either, but they do. The other week DS told me that a lady and a lady can't get married, because that's silly. I told him they can actually, if they want to, and he laughed as though I was making a big joke and kept saying "No mummy, only a man can marry a lady!" - I was really worried and even went through facebook to find a friend-of-a-friend's wedding photos to show him! He laughed through the whole explanation and I gave up but felt quite bad that I had failed to expose him to the concept of gay relationships Anyway, later that day he came up to me and matter of factly said "Don't worry mummy, I know now that a lady can marry a lady, and a man can marry a man, or a lady can marry a man. Hey, this orange could marry this apple! Or a banana!" I was a bit, er, that's not quite how it works, but sure. I was secretly pretty glad that it had gone in even though he was pretending not to listen at the time!

He did say "what if I tread on the guinea pig? Will it kill it?" But it was said with a smirk. I didn't like that at all and explained about them not being toys etc and then put the pets away.

Perhaps a good response would be "What if a very big person trod on you? Would it hurt you?"

This would help him to answer his own question, which was probably born of curiosity, while also reminding him that his actions have an impact on others.

It sounds to me like he has started to see and hear a lot of behaviour which he hasn't come across before. He is exploring it and experimenting with the responses this new behaviour causes in others. This is how children learn and isn't really something I would worry about. It's the same as children incorporating new things like baby siblings or trips to the doctors in their play. They are repeating elements in order to make sense of them.

I expect he will soon get over his curiosity when he understands what bit of his world this behaviour fits into and how different people will respond to it. Then you'll stop seeing so much of the aggression.