8yo DD has said her self-confidence is damaged :( Advice pls

[trinanz]

Last night my lovely 8yo dd said they talked about self-confidence in their school assembly (very forward thinking Head) and it upset her a lot because now she knows that is what she has been feeling..."my self-confidence has been damaged mum and I don't know what to do" closely followed by "do you ever have thoughts that you don't want to tell anyone". Turns out she didn't like being referred to as Nanny McPhee with this wiggly tooth she has at the moment. She thought it must mean that everyone thinks she's ugly. Deep breath. She has always seemed a happy, slightly sensitive, bright and smiley child that takes part in lots of things. She has started saying things lately like, 'I am so rubbish at this' and seems to be getting frustrated a lot more about things not going right, or if I tell her off, she really takes it to heart and thinks she's the worst daughter ever. Is this a normal phase? I just don't remember my oldest (10) going through this? Should I just wait it out for a bit, giving out even more praise and positivity or does this signal something untoward that I should do something about. Parenting is hard.

some of my kids do the "I'm rubbish" thing too.

my DS1 (11) is a perfectionist, very creative and smart kid, but has proper temper tantrums when he gets frustrated. (he's just like me... [embarrassed])

DS2 is very passionate and stubborn, and when he gets told off he starts shouting that it's because I hate him or every one hates him....ffs

before Christmas DS3 got upset because he thought he wasn't the best reader in the class - so I asked what if he isn't? no one is the best at everything, does it matter? he said not really, but he doesn't like not being the best...

I think people who are passionate about a subject or a person are very likely to get more upset if they feel things go wrong, and that's normal!

like when you cook a special meal you really want it to go well, but if a tiny detail is not right you might panic and say - well it's all ruined then..

again, it's just a perfectionist attitude - which comes from trying to please others, wanting to be recognized and feel successful/proud, and good enough is just not good enough!

you should acknowledge her feeling say "yes, I know you think it's rubbish" but ask why she thinks it's rubbish and how would she improve it (whatever "it" is) (
not sure if it matters what you think of "it", is she is disappointed she probably wants to hear that you understand her feelings, not so much what your thoughts/feelings are!
so don't say: no, you are being silly, it's lovely/good/tasty - that would invalidate her feelings and make her feel worse and even isolated.
(think of the pain of a misunderstood artist...or a teenager saying - no one understands me!)

I think she expects more from herself than is needed/required and has high standards.
she has very clear ideas about what she likes and how she thinks things should be, and I don't know if that's going to change.
But wanting to do well is not a bad thing!
she needs to understand that we all make and are allowed to make mistakes!

I always tell my kids that to expect to be able to do anything perfectly for the 1st time ever is just as dumb as expecting a baby to just get up and walk a mile, of course they can't!

every new skill needs to be learnt in steps, then practiced over and over again....what is it about 1% aspiration 99% perspiration?

and as to not being able to tell things sometimes - buy her a diary, if she can't say it at least she has a way of expressing her feelings and thoughts.

I hope this is helpful

Self confidence is really tricky, it's such an odd blend of thinking/knowing you are good at certain things plus being able to get yourself going again after being confronted by a problem. Your op made me feel so sad for your dd and I can understand why you are worried.
My understanding of it is that your self confidence/esteem comes from your inner voice. The script that you say in your head informs how you feel (if that makes sense). Just like anything else in our bodies we need to practise using it to help it become stronger.
Some practical ideas, when you're talking to her (without making it obvious) could you change the way you speak about her? For example "dd can you help me with this because you're really good at doing x,y,z?" "Ooh dd could do that because she's very good at it". Making the praise really explicit and personal to her.
At bedtime can you list 3 or 4 things that she thinks she has done well during that day e.g. from simple things like a sticker from her teacher or helping you in the house. Also look at it from the other side too. Is there anything today that she thinks could have gone better and what would she do if she were faced with the same problem tomorrow?
As with all things like this I don't think there is a quick fix, it will take time and lots of conversations with you and even for her to understand that you (as her mum) don't always get things right and the strategies you use to cope with it.
I hope you find some answers that are good for you and that your dd soon starts to feel a bit better about herself.