DD8 was allowed back in my room yesterday to watch TV after having been banned from there for a while for taking things (including money) and lying about it. Not just casual lies, but huge whoppers, keeping the lie going for days, shouting and screaming indignantly, and blaming ds6, even screaming at him to own up, that she hates him for doing it (when it was her all along). She was allowed back in there to seperate her from ds6, as she constantly picks on him, apparently she doesn't even like the way he breathes at the moment...
At one point I heard rustling, looked in to find her hurriedly sitting back on the bed. I asked her what she was up to, she said nothing. I said I would trust her to stay in my room, as long as she promised not to take anything that didn?t belong to her. I'd forgotten that in the room were the remnants of DS?s chocolate from Xmas, on top of a 6ft bookcase.
When I went to bed I found she?d eaten 2 tubes of smarties, a packet of jaffa cakes and various other things, hidden the interior wrappers under the bed but put the exterior packaging back so it looked like it hadn?t been touched. This is also only a few days after we had a big talk about healthy eating etc btw.
I confronted her with the wrappers this am. She lied and said it wasn?t her. We?ve had huge chats about lying recently, and how I hate the lying more than the wrong doing, so today she only kept the lie going for about 15 mins, which is a huge improvement at least. But then, when sent to her room, she did what she always does, shouting, screaming, not stopping when told to, not accepting that she?s done anything wrong. After 10mins of this she said sorry, I thanked her for apologising but remained quite cool. At which point she went ballistic again, about me not accepting her apology. I explained that I had, but it?s hard to go back to being cheerful when I was still very disappointed and sad. I also said that there was no point saying sorry if she was going to keep repeating the same behaviour. More ranting from her, lasting another 10 mins, at which point I had to leave for work.
I seriously don?t know what to do. We send her to the step, she sits there shouting and ranting at us. We?ve even had building work done to provide her with her own room, so we can give her a warning and send her to her room to calm down before she gets to the ranting stage. We've given her a notebook in which she can write down what she wants / needs to say, rather than shout and scream at us. We?ve tried charts and rewards, spending one on one time with her, pocket money. We?ve tried confiscating her belongings, but if we do this mid-episode it?s like pouring oil on a fire. If we do it when she?s calmed down it all starts up again. And she genuinely doesn?t seem to miss her stuff enough to want to behave well enough to get it back. Some stuff has been confiscated for months, (and it?s embarrassing when a grandparent asks where something is that they gave her and she says Mummy?s taken it away).
And it's not like we're draconian! If she wanted a biscuit, she could have asked. If she wanted to buy something, she could have asked us and we'd have come up with a plan, perhaps a bit of housework and some matched funding!
Her behaviour has been like this for several years now. The rants are probably every other day, the lying is becoming more frequent, to the point where it's practically the default setting. Taking things is escalating, it used to be about one major episode a year, but we've now had 3 episodes so far this month, including her taking the money left out for the cleaner and completely denying it for hours. The ranting and shouting is escalating, she'll now do outside the house too on the way to / from the car.
This, by the way, is a child who behaves like an angel at school, has come home with certificates for politeness, kindness etc. The school would be absolutely astounded if they knew how she behaves at home.
Help.