Help

[tiredsingleparent]

Ok this may take a while but I am in dire need of some advice.
My son is 6 years old, he's intelligent, imaginative and hilarious... when he feels like it. However with me 95% of the time is spent arguing and him saying things like "I hate you" and "I want to go and live with my dad."

I'll elaborate...

I split up with my sons dad before he was born, we realised we didn't love eachother and were both very young at the time. I had great fun for the first year of my sons life, enjoyed watching him reach all of his milestones etc and then I began to get itchy feet, I come from a family of workers and I had always worked before having the little man.

I spotted an ad for a college course just 20 hours a week, childcare provided, excellent I thought as I had moved area before he was born and it would mean he could play with other children and be around other adults. Though I missed him it seemed to work for both of us... then a year later I was offered a job.

I took the job not only for me but for him aswell as I wanted to be able to provide things for him in a way my mum had never been able to despite working 3 jobs when I was young. I love my job and have been doing the same thing for 4 years now, however it ranges between 40 and 45 hours a week which for a little boy I understand must be tough.

However for the last three years he has been an absolute angel in all aspects of nursery/pre-school and school but the devil incarnite for me, he hits, back chats, argues, throws things, even pulls his hair when he gets really angry. Now you may say this is because I am too hard on him because I don't see him as much as I should which is certainly my mums opinion, but these things start when I ask him to put his shoes on, have a bath, brush his teeth, do his homework, go to bed, get his nails cut, take a bowl to the kitchen.

If I tell him he has lost out on playtime/ leappad time or his sunday on the wii (he only gets one day on this as if he is over stimulated he's worse) things escalate into what can only be described as war, I have tried everything. Everyone else I know who has witnessed his behaviour on numerous occasions says I should be harder on him but because I work so much I find it totally exhausting, plus it's hard when my mum says the opposite and that I'm too hard and he's just seeking attention because I work so much.

I find this hard to believe bacause technically it's all he's ever known and I've always worked the same days so he knows what days are ours etc, he goes for swimming lessons, we have days out, my goodness I even got to take him to lapland in december and he was badly behaved all day which was very embarassing in front of my work colleagues who were with me.

Can I please have some constructive advice? Please do not reply if you are going to tell me to give up work or work less hours, I cannot do this, there are good career opportunities where I am and the area I live in has jobs for about 25% of those who need them... I do not want to live on benefits.

I should also mention that he now sees his dad every holidays which is good for me in one way as I get adult time but awful in other as he gets spoilt rotten and let away with murder.

Plz help from a very tired mummy who is trying her best and sick of crying after bedtime :-(
xx

Hello sweetheart,
It's not easy being a single mum and trying to provide for everything is it?

After reading your post twice it occurred to me that perhaps you need to combine your time with his time and no work colleagues!

I know its difficult but 6 yr olds do have a way of making one feel guilty and he really doesn't mean he hates you at all. It's just his way of letting off steam - which we all need at times.
You don't need to give up work or be harder with him just try and talk a little bit more, in his language, maybe at tea time when you could both sit down and talk together?
I understand that its probably difficult when he comes back from his dad but I'm afraid that's the way the cookie crumbles and on the bright side at least he has some time.
Keep your chin up and let him know that when the 'special times' will happen and don't let him down.
Love,
Auntie Claire.

Have a good cry in private after DS has gone up to bed then sit and think what to do. Economically if you can't afford to cut back on hours then you look at what to do when you are together. I expect other posters will have very useful advice or books to recommend, maybe parenting classes. It's as often 2 parent as well as 1 parent families who could use help.

If DS is behaving at school, that shows he can for you too. He wouldn't be naturally helpful and good mannered, these things sink in over time.

When parents work, the best they can do for DCs is to make sure they're safe and happy and nurtured be it by family, friends or paid childcare. His dad may be a Disney good time dad so of course aged 6 that seems preferable to naggy Mum.

Consistency is what works best. His dad may not stick to rules in holiday time, for now concentrate on home life and when he's at your mum's.

It is perfectly natural for any 6 year old to play up as soon as the bell goes and school ends. They often have a drop in sugar and get cross or upset easily on top of burning off what pent up energy they have left. A small snack to sustain him - not so much as to ruin his appetite for his evening meal - can help.

Certain E numbers are said to affect mood swings, try to ration sweet stuff. Is he getting enough sleep?

Likewise any exciting or stimulating time beyond normal structure or habitual bedtime is a red flag. So inevitably dreary shoe shopping, buying groceries or haircut can trigger a meltdown likewise cinema trip, meal out or Lapland!

Your response in any such situation should aim to be calm, measured, in proportion. Don't pay heed to judgy pants being hoiked up or intakes of breath. Address DS, tell him how you expect him to behave. Warn of consequences. If you issue a threat like, "We'll be going home right away if you don't behave", always follow through.

To get out of a negative cycle, praise and encourage and acknowledhe good, helpful actions. Don't just criticise bad behaviour.

Some parents follow a star system, it could be Spiderman or whatever. Basically he gets a star for good behaviour. To reinforce a positive message, if he misbehaves, don't take one away, just don't award him one that day. Once he collects an agreed number he gets a prize or treat.

Sometimes people advise, 'Pick your battles'. To start with DS needs to know he can spend time with you, one-on-one time when you are home. He can take a telling off if you are fair and firm. Sorry for the essay but most of all you need to feel confident. You've been his rock, don't stop now.

Thanks to both of you, just to add my work colleagues were in lapland because we won it as an incentive through work DS was very lucky to be able to go at all because he wasn't included when it was announced as a bonus scheme, my boss just couldnt imagine taking me to lapland and leaving DS at home and so paid for him too... I have a very nice boss :-)
I do try to spend as much time as possible with him, when he's behaving we will lie on the sofa and watch dvds together or build lego etc but I do admit every so often if I've had a hard day at work and if he's being naughty I really don't want to do anything with him but I assure you that only happens once in a blue moon.

I'll try work on the advice, thanks again

What a lucky DS and what a great boss .