control freak 3-5 year old

[souvenir]

My dd's chatty and bright and very funny. She's never really given us a lot of bother with anything - slept well, eaten well, been nice to other kids etc. But as she's got older her need to control things / do things 'perfectly' is beginning to make her thoroughly miserable. And me too sometimes. Both her father and myself are quite quiet people and we've both had definite OCD traits in the past so I can't help but wonder if she's either picking up on it or inherited a tendency from us.

The kinds of things that really get to her include, for instance, before getting into bed she needs to get across the room with her feet touching anything but the floor (which is uncarpeted as she's asthmatic). So she walks on a couple of carpet squares, some clothes, etc. If her foot touches the floor she becomes really angry and upset and insists on starting it all again. I don't know whether to indulge or curb this kind of thing. When she gets angry she often hits or punches herself, or me, or something near by and you can see it's driving her crazy.

The need to be in control extends into her games with me now too. So that if I don't fulfill my role in the game in exactly the way she wants she also flies into a rage and tears. I'm avoiding playing with her and trying to focus on other activities for the time being.

But I'd appreciate some advice ...

my 15 year old has signs of ocd. I would go talk to the gp.
they will be able to advice you on the best way to deal with it.

Thanks. But does it show so soon? I'm not sure if this is 'typical' 3-4 year old behaviour or if I should worry?

anybody else with any similar experiences?

bump

ds similar, I either distract (doesnt always work)or join in the game and steer it to an end. If he it too much I get tough and explain we have done that now and now its time for blah blah. If he doesnt conform by the time i count 3 there is an explained consequence and it doesnt normally get any further.

my dd1 is EXACTLY the same. if she isnt the first person out the door, first person to get in the bath (if i put her baby sister in the bath first), if she doesnt get a certain butterfly plate at mealtimes, if she doesnt have her skirt on a certain way (belt loophole has to be precisely under her belly button), if she doesnt get her milk up to the fairys wings on her bedtime cup, if i dont hang her towel up on the 3rd ring from the left, if she doesnt wipe her bum 3 times after a weewee and 4 times after a poo, she gets VERY upset.

i spoken to a few other people who have children the same age or older, and they all (well most) agreed that at this age a lot of children are like this.

it seems to be a control thing, they dont have much control over their life (we tell them what they are having for tea/when to go to bed/etc, so they try and exert some control over things they can, like what they want to wear, how their toothbrush should be placed by the sink, how teddy should lie by the pillow, etc.

i try and help dd1 with her little things as much as i can, try turning a few into games, and she is mostly happy. i just try and tell myself she will grow out of it.

i think dd1 here gets a bit upset if things go 'out of control' in our house occasionally, ie if dd2 gets tired and we put her to bed early and have to change little plans, and i think its sometimes too much for dd1 (in other words, dd2 can upset the balance in her life)

to dd1 routine is very very comforting, and i think its true for a lot of children this age

just try and go along with her little control things and dont worry too much

if you cant stop worrying, talk to a professional to ease your mind

hth xx

My DS1, who has a diagnosis of high-functioning autism, has always been a real control freak and very prone to lash out at others if they are (as he sees it) "breaking the rules". There was much black comedy with him at nursery as he thought he was quite within his rights to sink his teeth into other children if they were a bit slow off the mark at tidy-up time (not a laughing matter for the other kids or their parents, however).

He is mellowing quite a bit with age (he will be seven in July) - he still gets very wound up by things but both we and school have tried to find strategies to help him recognise that he is angry and find ways to defuse it without lashing out. We had a kind of flashcard game for a while where I wrote down various scenarios on a piece of card e.g. "Someone else accidentally uses your pencil" and he had to card them as being "Important" and "Not important". Another tactic his teacher is trying at the moment is for him to have a book to write down how he feels e.g. "I am angry".

nailpolish, that sounds VERY familiar. How old is your dd1 by the way? So far I've more or less done what you're doing, it just seems to have intensified quite dramatically in the last week or so, although I can't find a reason why. I mean nothing's changed to cause anxiety etc. I think it's the hitting herself / me with sheer frustration that's got a lot worse. I don't think she'd hit anybody else, well, she never has so far. Not even dp.

dinosaure, I guess I've vaguely wondered about autism. Dd has some problems socially although nothing major. She clearly has some empathy problems and is also very upset if other children don't abide by 'the rules.'

So, should I worry or not???

don't show worry or it may become a game dd did this adn still does if she feels insecure, so like everything with children could be normal if it continues or worsens would speak to Gp

souvenir, my dd1 is 3 and a half

i hope things get better for you souvenir, i cant really think what else you could do, i dont want to say "oh its just a phase and itll be over soon" because im fed up hearing that myself

np xx

souvenir, sorry if I worried you, if this is the only aspect of her behaviour that is worrying you then I think she is very unlikely to be on the autistic spectrum.

so do you find it problematic, nailpolish? Has it gone on a long time?

gothicmama, so far I really don't think it's a 'game', dd is really genuinely almost in pain about not getting things right. Thus she hits herself and sheds these awful tears of frustration. It's very upsetting to see. Totally different to how she is when she's 'trying it on' about something. That's why I got worried ...

souvenir, these things have become a ritual in our house. they dont really cause problems, just dd1 getting in a state about nothing whatsoever. i just get frustrated (for want of a better word)

sometimes she DOESNT get a specific plate, because its dirty and i just cant be arsed washing it. she has a tantrum, kicks stuff, i just have to sit her down and talk to her (and try really hard not to shout) and she kind of gets over it.

sometimes she refuses to eat her meal cos its not the right plate, i just say "heres your lunch, if you dont eat it im not making anything else" (i hope that doesnt sound too harsh) and she 50% of the time will eat it. im not going to run after her every whim. lifes not like that i tell myself and her.

distraction is another tactic i keep up my sleeve. and i let her help me with 'grown up' things as a treat when she puts her little sister first. she has a thing about controlling dd2.

hth

come to think of it, the biggest problems it causes in this house is it causes arguments between dh and i. he says im too soft with her, giving in too often, i just say i do it for a quiet life.

she HAS, as time as gone on, stopped flinging herself around, kicking things and hitting, as much as she used to, i would say there has been an improvement there

she has begun to very occasionally just stomped off and sat in the corner arms folded in a major huff. that is easier to deal with.

We get very big major sulks where dd sits totally silently in her chair looking at the floor and trying not to cry.

Actually with my dd it's not with bowls etc. and things being the same, it's more things she wants to do in a particular order, like getting into bed or putting toys in a particular way. Really obsessive kinds of things that I do recognise in myself. And I do know how horrible it feels to need those things so I sympathise with her. Dp's similar too so we don't tend to argue about it. I never know how far to 'indulge' it though or attempt to get her to see it doesn't matter ...