Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Taking ds behaviour personally ...

15 replies

Ilovehotchocolate · 26/01/2013 17:31

I'm at my wits end with my 9 year old and his behavior today! I don't know why but I am so upset. He has been out playing today with some other children from our neighbourhood and they were all playing in my garden. My ds came in and others went home, didn't think that much of it till I got a knock on my door.

My ds has been playing 'rough' with another boy resulting in damage to the other boys tshirt (a sports top with his name printed on back, a letter has been pulled off). The other boy was upset that this had happened. The mum was nice about it but she did say it's not the first time they have been playing rough when at my place and that her ds has sisters so isn't use to boys being rough. I've offered to pay for any damage and if she can get the letter re-printed I have told her to let me know how much and I will reimburse her. She said not to worry.

I also made my ds apologise which he did. I then shut the door and sent ds to his bedroom.

Since this has happened I can't stop crying about it and feel I have taken it personally and wish I could just shrug it off! I know my son is boisterous but when I watch them all playing they all can be at different times. I feel I don't want to let my son out to play now because he is too rough. He hasn't got many friends at school probably because he is rough! I felt happy today because he was eventually going out to play with friends and now I doubt anyone will call for him now.

Am I the only one who gets upset at such things I also think that if it had happened to my ds I wouldn't go knocking on someones door AIBU?

Sorry for it being so long but being a single mum I have no one else to talk this through with.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
HecateWhoopass · 26/01/2013 18:32

Well, you are a bit.

He ruined someone's clothes.

They have the right to have that paid for.

The mum told you that it's not the first time - so clearly this is a pattern but it's only now that he's caused damage that she's come to you so that you know about it and can therefore address it.

You need to have a conversation with him about the importance of not being so rough.

What exactly is this 'playing rough' made up of? Fighting?

You're going to need to help your son to not get so carried away.

Doesn't make him a bad kid, doesn't make you a bad mum. It's not a criticism of you - it's just something you're going to need to help him sort out.

HecateWhoopass · 26/01/2013 18:34

on rereading she's not asking you to pay. Even nicer. She just really wants it addressing.

pictish · 26/01/2013 18:41

Yes...she's letting you know (kindly) that as far as she is concerned, your son's behaviour is noteably rough and needs addessing.

Is she right?

cory · 26/01/2013 18:47

I think the mum has done you a favour here; she has gently drawn your attention to a problem that you still have time to address before something happens that is harder to address, and she has been understanding about it. She has even tried to make you feel better by relating the situation to her ds ("Not used to rough play) rather than making it all about you.

Would it have been better that she had left it until the other children simply refused to play with your ds? Or until he accidentally hurt somebody seriously? Of course not. Now you have the time to work on it together with your ds.

If you work it through (maybe also involving his school if you think there may be a problem there) your ds will keep his friends and everybody will be happier.

amazingmumof6 · 26/01/2013 18:57

I'd be upset as well, but remember it's nothing unusual!

a good heart-to-heart is in order, try and find out what happened, was DS provoked or silly or nasty? was it an accident or does he just not realize his own strength?

let him explain what happened today and in general what's going on.
let him express what he feels and why, you both really need this.
hug him, tell him you love him, you are on his side, although he's got to tone it down.

you can sort it, you know him you'll find a way.

on the other hand I would have done exactly what the other mum did, best policy is to nip it in the bud! she was nice and even had put up with it before, so can not fault her wanting to discuss this!

Also if my kids did anything like this I'd definitely want to know!!!!!!

I'd try have another chat to say how bad you feel and insist on paying for damage.

it must be hard for both of you, single mums with boys tend to have a more difficult time then girls' mums, it's a fact, so you are really not alone with your problem and shouldn't feel bad!

you are trying to be both mum and dad for him and that is admirable, I take my hat off to you! (I mean it).
the thing is that boys from about the age of 7 increasingly in need of good male influence and guidance to learn how to be a man, a role model really.
if DS's father is not available (or best to avoid) think about who you could rope in to help you out, to have a "bloke" talk with DS.

Is there a reasonable male friend, uncle, sport coach, neighbour, grandfather or teacher who could talk to him and be a bit of a role model for him? or at least see it from the male point of view? give him a bit of advice?

you are only one person and we all need help, so do not feel bad in any way!!!! you do need some practical help in RL (as well as emotional support) and I really hope you can find it.

big hugs, I hope this helps

(BTW if anything I said can be seen as critical, it's not. I meant what I said from a loving point of you)

Ilovehotchocolate · 26/01/2013 19:36

I had discussed his behaviour with him and actually told him to be careful as I was watching on and off. And from what I was seeing the other boy was jumping on top of my ds but I didn't say anything to him. DS has told me that they were playing this game where they both fight each other, it wasn't with fists but pushing and obviously pulling. We have spoken about this and he understands this game can't be played again, but he knows this already but keeps doing it when playing with others.

I've got an older ds and both play rugby so are often rugby tackling each other, I think this is what ds was doing. I am going to have to consider whether he should continue rugby training.

I think I am going to have to see his class teacher and see how he is in school. When I take him to clubs I often stay and watch his behaviour there so have a fairly good idea of how he behaves with others. From what I have seen he gets involved in any silly behaviour that is going on and when they are told to stop he quite often is the last one to stop things but it normally is just silly things.

I'm just feeling really bad about the situation. He doesn't see his dad, and we are a really tiny family so no other males to be a role model.

I know that if I go to see the mum, I'll probably just burst into tears about it and really show myself up! I'm so angry with my ds and am sure the mum involved was really saying 'my ds won't be playing with you ds again'.

OP posts:
lljkk · 26/01/2013 19:49

He sounds completely normal, OP. I don't think you should be so upset. Admonish, guide, model and encourage him to do better, yes, but he's not unusually rough from what you describe.

pictish · 26/01/2013 20:00

Hang on the bell Nelly!

You certainly don't have to consider whether he should continue rugby training! Of course he should!
At 9 he is old enough to understand that rugby tackles are for the rugby field and not for playing in the street, that's all!

amazingmumof6 · 26/01/2013 20:30

pictish is right he must carry on playing rugby, that is a fantastic opportunity for him to bond with other kids, don't stop him from that!

please stop feeling so bad, he's a bit boisterous - but I'm inclined to say he'll be at least learning what the limit is (think lion cubs) - while the other kid with the sisters might just end up being a wimp......

cheer up, he's fine - my 9 year old is the same play fighting is normal, few scars and broken clothes are what little/big boys are made of!

Ilovehotchocolate · 26/01/2013 21:00

amazingmumof6 - I know what you mean learning the limit - I just wish he would learn and perhaps lower the limit!!!

I'll go see his mum tomorrow and emphasise that I will pay for replacement/repair - I think it is just a case of a letter being re printed/ironed on the back. There wasn't any tear to the material. I'm not convinced this damage was completely my ds's fault, they were all happily playing rough and rolling around for some while and laughing, the letter may well have rubbed off whilst rolling around the trampoline.

Bet her ds isn't grounded like mine for being rough and tripping my ds up on purpose and slid tackling him! Getting angry now!

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 26/01/2013 21:09

oh well, think he's in a tutu with sisters - and giggle!

I'd much rather streetwise kids, who can flex a muscle and have a bit of playfight - that's what boys do.

Ilovehotchocolate · 26/01/2013 21:19

amazingmumof6 - finally stopped crying about it - you'd think being my 3rd child I wouldn't be so sensitive! I know he was wrong but I don't know why I take it to heart - feel really bad about it but beginning to see its not the end of the world! I think being a single mum you don't want people to think the worst of you!

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 26/01/2013 21:40

honey, being a single parent IMO must be like a salmon trying to swim up a river! you are doing what you can, on your own, and you don't owe an explanation to anyone about your parenting style!
anyone who dares to judge you just send them to me!Smile

seriously, please stop feeling guilty, it's waste of energy!

you are a good mum and your kids are just fine and will be fine because you are there for them, well done you!

let's have a hot choc Brew you and me, upwards and onwards!Smile

Ilovehotchocolate · 26/01/2013 21:46

amazingmumof6 - you are so funny! Thanks for encouragement! Have a hot chocolate on me! Cheers!

OP posts:
madeit · 27/01/2013 10:23

Just the fact that you have thought about the matter and how best to deal with it indicates to me that you are a sensitive and open-minded mother. I too have a boisterous child who is big for his age and am a single mother so do understand. I think having a chat with your son when he is calm and when boisterous behaviour hasn't just happened is a good plan.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page