What "consequences" do you use?

[BertramBertram]

I'm at the end of my tether with 2 boys (6 & 4) who just do not listen. I've always thought they had the ability to tune me out but it's now getting to the point where I actually think they completely ignore me as I'm the "grumpy" parent. I tend to be the disciplinarian as DH works away for a couple of days a week and he tends to take the role of 'fun parent' when he is around (many a domestic had over this lately!!). I find myself getting to the point of screaming at the boys which is having no effect whatsoever (and just makes me feel pants!)

We have agreed that going forward we are BOTH going to be a lot stricter on the boys when they don't do as they are asked/ignore what they are being told. We have decided to use 'consqeunces' in as far as 'DS1 if you don't stop doing XXX, the consequence will be YYY' and if DS1 doesn't stop, the consequence will be applied.

I want to create a list of things to use as consequences so we are not making threats that we wont carry out (DH has a habit of giving 20 'last chances' or threatening something that he can't actually cancel (grandparents visit etc).

Can you help me with a list of things that we can use as consequences. Ideally I want to create a minor and major list so that the 'consequence' is not too harsh/soft i.e. the consequence should be harsher for fighting than it might be for not tidying up.

All ideas gratefully accepted!!

For my 6 yr old. Grrr.

'If you don't tidy this lot up it goes in a bin bag and in the cupboard until you can.'
'I'd like you to listen to me because you need to remember this and I'm going to ask you to repeat it all back to me'
'You haven't listened very well/tried very hard. Let's go over what I expect again.'

These are some of the gems I've been boring myself senseless with with my 6 yr old recently.
Bear in mind I'm really trying to say a lot of nice things and be relaxed and normal too. Flipping hard.

Some more:
'You do realise that M can't come over to play tomorrow, don't you? That was the deal. I'd go and finish your homework now if you want him to come.'

'Wow, you've actually turned the computer off straight away. You are fab.'

Have also tried to show him what it's like when you don't listen to someone to try to show him how frustrating and rude it is.
My almost 4 yr old is another kettle of fish. He's poorly at the moment so I'm not being too harsh.

Positive praise when they do do what is asked. Firm consequences if they don't. Therefore consequences have to be something that you know that you will do, which is why I try to avoid the cancelling play dates / trips to the park, or binning all the toys threats, because I know I'm less likely to follow through compared to:

• early bed
• no story before bed
• no pocket money
• favourite toy (though NB not favourite teddy to sleep with, I think they should be untouchable) put up on a shelf visible but out of reach (works well with lots of small toys played with together eg Bakugan, Thomas the Tank Engines)
• time on the naughty cushion (SuperNanny's formula of 1 minute per year of age = v long time for older kids - remind them of this...)
• no time on the iPad
• not buying the new toy that had been promised

Nothing earth shatteringly original there, but does that help for a start?

Families that does help! We already try a lot of what Wow suggested but it falls on deaf ears (and with playdates, I hate letting the other parent/child down).

I think I also need to chill a bit and not sweat some of the small stuff...

I do like the idea of removing ipad/iphone use - might even get to use them myself!

ok, so if you want them to do something start like this -

you need eye contact, then give instruction or warning and tell what will happen if they don't listen/do as told.
explain what you want and check they got it. be kind but firm.

give a fair warning in terms of time - I give my kids a 10 min then a 5 min warning for things like finishing playing as it's bath time next or shoes on etc.
imagine how you'd like it if someone told you to get up and go when you are halfway through a film or a chat, you'd rebel too!!!)

you can do 5 min and 2 min warning - but show them what 2 mins feels like! make it a game put the timer on for 2 mins and sit with them

as soon as they understand the task (come here and put your jacket on) or warning (stop kicking your brother) they have to obey you.
tell them once, say this is the only chance they get, if they don't do as told there will be a consequence!
explain what that will be, say if they walk nicely in the shop they can have a little treat, if not no treat.

if applicable count back from 5 - counting down gives them a sense of urgency, much like when the rockets are launched, you know it will happen when you get to zero.
saying 1, 2, 3...is useless, coz it can go on forever, they know you can always add one!!!!
5, 4, 3, 2... on the other hand is very effective, mine tend to jump around 3 or 2, they know not to get down to 1, coz that means trouble for them!

most things I can sort this way, and this is so useful when you are in a rush!

if they don't listen, no more chances, you carry out the punishment straightaway

• whether it's leaving the shops (yes, you can leave a full trolley, go to the car and make them listen to you in private!)
• or leaving a friend's house (yes, it's inconvenient or embarrassing, but you are teaching them a lesson, so worth it!)
• or no telly
• or take away toys
• or miss swimming or going to the park
• or time out - just sitting on the stairs, 1 min/year so 4mins for 4 year old, 6 mins for 6 year old

if behaviour is good you can of course reward them, star charts are good to see progress, and they can get treats..

you could be very sly and ask them to tell you what they like doing/having best, and say ok, if you do well you can do/have these things, but if disobedient then the opposite.

ids this helpful? is it what you are looking for?

I've got more....

Amazing - it's EXACTLY what I was looking for! I'm also glad that you have said this works for you - will be showing DH the thread tonight. We need to both be in this together as I feel our 2 have already cottoned on to the old divide & conquer rule! If you have more, I'm all ears... I want a variety of different consequences so we can vary them and I think if the kids know we mean business, they will fall in line quicker!

I think I might buy each of them their own timer so that they are aware of the passage of time...!

Similar ones here. Mainly taking away a preferred toy and leaving it in sight but out of reach until a suitable period of better behaviour earns it back. Continued offences could mean the toys stack up before they get the hang of the new system! We had a few days of toys being taken and none being earned back at the very beginning - soon got the hang of it. Haven't had to use it in months You choose what goes on the shelf and what gets earned back first if there's more than one.

DS likes to watch TV while I'm cooking dinner, he's particularly keen on Tree Fu Tom and he knows that I won't allow the TV if he's behaved badly.

Consistancy is vital though as they quickly learn what you mean and don't mean and what's an empty threat. Be clear about expectations so they understand. Make them look at you when you're talking to them, otherwise they will tune you out. You could try reward charts and they need x points or stickers to get their weekend treat/swim etc

Don't overload yourself with a new system - pick the most important things and then build others in later on. And try to make the consequence follow swiftly - 4 years is still young to really understand why they're missing something at the weekend for something they did on Monday.

I use the timer on the oven for time out on the stairs.

if they have to take turns I use my phone, set the alarm, then "snooze" every 5 mins.

consequences will really emerge from the situation itself, there's no "fits all" solution - of course you can't tell them to have 6 mins time out if you are already running late!

just bear in mind that the worst thing you can do is to feel guilty or stop yourself from doing/avoiding something because what others might think! that's like plague to parenting styles!

also allow yourself to ignore the kids. show them what it feels like to be ignored.

and yes they will rebel, so do swapsies and deals - say it's important that they tidy up their room quickly, because you planned to make some muffins straight after, but there's only so much time, so give them a choice "what do you think boys? 1 hour of tidying and no muffins or 20 mins tidying then fun baking time? hmm?"

see where that's going? also let them have choices that don't matter that much to you (keep that secret though!) and say in return can hey do xyz, so everyone gets what they want.
they will like the responsibility and are much more likely to be fair and keep their side of the deal
you can write mock contracts, just hilarious, they can say what they promise and can choose their own punishment. make them sign it.

we had terrible trouble recently with DS2 (9), just arguing and being bloody slow every morning.
eventually I said " look, in the morning (school run) I will not listen to any complaints or arguing, you just have to do what I say, let me do your tie or wear what I give you etc, it has to be my way, coz there's no time for explanations.
BUT in the afternoon we can discuss anything you want, I will really listen to you, you can tell me what the matter was and we will figure out how we can avoid that problem next time. Deal?"
he was very happy, and though still a bit slow, he is now eager to get ready and doesn't argue back!

yes DH has to be on board and take your side - but you might have to calm down and relax a bit .

sometimes the best solution is to joke a bit, use humour instead of shouting.

you can always try and whisper, amazing how they will concentrate!

and one big positive thought - tell them that families are teams, you are on the same side and every one has to help and work together so you can enjoy each other's company.

do they like football or other sports? maybe DH can explain it it sports terms.

and back to consequences you have to be very specific about what you are requesting!!!
think vague "get dressed" v direct "put your coat on"

give me a specific problem or two that are the most disturbing/urgent - I'll think of solutions!

BTW if it looks like I know all the answers, I don't.

I can't stop them from winding each other up, they pinch, scratch, argue, shout & scream, have tantrums and fights.
they can be so lazy and slow and selfish and catty - it is a struggle.

I wonder what it's going to be like when they are all teenagers..... (5 boys, 1 girl, oldest 11 years, baby's 9 months) I think the testosterone in the air alone will qualify as an environmental hazard

Amazing & Kindle - we've had a good think about the way we parent & have adopted some of your suggestions. We have made up some 'tokens' which they will earn with good behaviour and lose with bad. Each token is worth 10p and can be cashed in for pocket money.

DS2 is our biggest challenge - partly I think because he is still quite young & partly because he is a very independent, self confident little boy. Had a difficult day yesterday with the melts down that accompanied losing a token (he lost another one!) but he does seem to have come round a bit today and has listened a bit more. Counting down seems to have a better effect than counting up. It's amazing how something so simple works so well...

Just hope we can get DS2 into a habit of listening that he takes into school. I know his teachers at the end of her tether. DS2 is the self appointed class clown...!

Thanks again for the advice. We just need to carry it through!

It sounds like you're off to a great start - I bet he never considered that stropping over one token could lose him another one, well done you!