Uncontrollable tantrums 23 month old

[pinkoyster]

I've turned once more to all you experienced MNetters for advice!
My 23 month old Ds is having the worst tantrums. I realise this is a phase they go through but I am at a loss how to deal with them.

Today he went absolutely ballistic cos DH went out to put the rubbish out. It culminated with him climbing onto my lap and screeching into my ear for almost 15 minutes, then throwing himself onto the floor and pulling his hair/banging his head purposely against it. Nothing I say will soothe him-just gets him more cross. Ignoring him results in him working himself up even more. Today I'm ashamed to say I cried it was so bad-3 major tantrums in the space of 2 hours..

I currently have a 3 week old newborn to look after (which may be the root cause of DS's tantrums), but have made sure DS gets lots of attention. In fact, apart from feeding and changing, poor DS2 pretty much gets overlooked-I leave him on his playmat/carseat to ensure DS doesn't feel left out/jealous.

Can anyone recommend anything? DS1 has very good verbal skills but there is no negotiating with him when he's in full tantrum mode! I'm just so exhausted so happy to try anything...

Congratulations on your newborn.

As you've found, a toddler tantrum is triggered by hunger, or teething pain, or crossness at being thwarted by someone or something, or just wanting attention. Pick your battles but remember, giving in to demands now is going to backfire later. If you think walking away or ignoring him just makes him wilder, try distracting him.

Personally I think if he's gone from 0-60 and is already at a pitch, time out is hard to achieve. Moving him to another room isn't easy. So soon after having DS2 you want to avoid physical tussles not least if he is in your arms. Try and stay calm, show him you're not flustered or upset.

Must be hard feeling torn between the two but I honestly don't think DS2 will mind at this stage not being the main focus of attention. When feeding, if DS1 is present, let him snuggle up beside you. Look through a book together or pop in a DVD and watch with him. Praise DS1 if he can fetch or carry for you.

Can DS1 let off steam not just by active stuff outdoors when possible, but pummelling or bouncing on something? A safe physical outlet when he gets wound up could help direct his rage and help him calm down. Don't know if you've ever had a go at baby massage, if you can get him into something like toddler yoga, that could be beneficial.

I burst into tears once with my two DCs when they were tantrumming. Both instantly shut up and their jaws dropped! Pity of it was, only worked once .

oh lord - I have no advice but I had the worst day today! and it's only just 3.00 pm here. My toddler (22 months) had the biggest melt down while I was trying to get her from the car to the front door, I had my 10 week old in her car seat capsule, and DD1 wanted to be carried, but I physically cannot do it (I had nappy bag across my body and handbag on one shoulder). DD1 had the biggest melt down and I didnt know what to do - thankfully a lovely neighbour came out and helped me, I am on the third floor so she carried the car seat for me. I was crying by that stage too and felt very embaressed.

donkeys, he will have a full blown rage at the smallest thing. Yesterday he cried and screamed for nearly 20 minutes because I was speaking on the phone (even though I wasn't on it for longer than 2 minutes!).. Of courseit doesn't help that the weather's been crap for the best part of a week otherwise could've taken him to the park to burn off surplus energy! I think the important thing (which I need to master the art of) is staying calm. Unfortunately I can't help but raise my voice at him, which makes the situation a million times worse. I'm just so shattered though..

My DS (2.3) is a nightmare for tantrums at the moment and we are currently working through ways of dealing with him to find one that works!!!

I have tried to pre-empt why he has a tantrum (applying logic to a toddler's tantrum can be tricky!) For example, he was having one every day when DH came home. It made me sad that he wasn't excited to see his Daddy but because he was hungry, he was getting worked up/upset. I started offering a snack before he was hungry, which seems to have calmed him the past few days.

Now ds is getting upset when it's time to get dressed and leave the house. I haven't worked out how to get round this one yet. Think it stems from potty training- he's either worried about having an accident/not knowing where the toilet is or both... I can't/don't get him dressed (bottom half) until just before we leave but working on this bit. On Sunday, I ended up putting him in the car whilst I got dd and myself ready as he was taking his coat and shoes off again in temper. When we got in the car with him, he was asking for his favourite song on!

It's a bloody minefield! Even when he is in a good mood, DH and I are treading on eggshells so's not to rock the boat.

Sorry, that's turned out a bit ranty... No advice, we're making it up as we go along too

Oh dear. I will also admit I cried week before last when my 2.2 year old refused to eat his dinner and was generally being a little shit. I put him in the naughty corner but he thinks it's a game and so stood there and laughed. I felt like he was laughing in my face but of course he is only two and doesn't understand. So I sat on the couch and just cried. He came over to see me and climbed up on my lap. He has tantrums although they seem to be less on some days and then worse on others. I am 23 weeks pregnant and find it very tough to grab him when he runs away or when he struggles when I try and put him in the car seat. I swear I am going to do myself an injury. I am shitting myself about how I am going to deal with it when a baby arrives. I try and not give in to him and am quite firm, as is my DH. Distraction seems to be the best method so far.

and yes I really struggle to not raise my voice. I find myself getting angry which absolutely makes it worse. It's really tough though because you are so tired and upset.

I admit to getting cross. I just get tipped over the edge when she laughs at something that is really naughty or when she is so much hard work! distraction is a good method but sometimes I can't think what to do!!

Our new baby will never know a days peace and quiet!! poor littel thing!

when dd1 is good she is an angel and she's full of beans and full of enthusiasm, but then she puts the same amount of 'umph' into her tantrums too!!

last night she had a tantrum because I took her top off before dinner, it's a lovely top that I didnt want to get tomato stains on it. I did weep quietly because she didnt eat her dinner and I had really nearly killed myself gettig it cooked. I had to go to the supermarket with them both and she had a tantrum all the way there so i had to carry them both.

i feel like a terrible mum some days. some days i can shake it off and still feel strong!! thanks for sharing, i think it does make me feel better.

Thank you all for your posts. As much as I sympathise with what you are going through with your toddlers, I find relief that I am not alone!

My Ds has always been a high needs child-both as a baby and now. My mother says he's highly strung due to me (and him 'getting' my anxiety through my milk). It all sounds like BS to me, but I know that me getting upset when he's in full paddy mode will only exacerbate the situation.

Like a pp said, even with distraction, I find it hard to think of something to distract him with! But I know I have to try harder. Just looking forward so much for this phase to end!

Oh I remember this stage, mine are 21m apart and while it is great now, the first 6m were incredibly hard.

You've had loads of good advice above. I would just re-emphasise the absolute need to be as calm as you can. Adding more anger to the situation invariably makes it worse.

Distract

Feed

Tell him what is happeneing next. Saw this on supernanny and it has worked really well for us, tell him he will have to eg get dressed in 5m, 4m, 3m etc. The minutes can take half an hour if they need to poin tis he is prepared for what is happenening next. Nappy changing was a massive issue for months but this helped.

Finally don't be afraid to put on cbeebies or a dvd when you mind your ds2.

Good luck, and it DOES pass and you will enjoy the two of them so much!

Btw I was unable to tolerate the tantrumming really and if he really kicked off, esp as he got older we would put him in the hall and tell him he could come back when he was calm. When he came to the door we would ask are you going to be calm and if he said yes, he could come back. I suppose it's a version of the naughty step. I certainly never let him scream in my ear out of temper for 5m never mind 15!I just could not cope with that.

He would be out there a long time sometimes. 40m maybe.

Also I think it is useful to name their feeling for them. I know you are angry, I can see you are upset. Etc.

Distraction can be v simple-look! What's that? And point outside at anything!!! Mine loves water play so a small amount of water and a few bowls saucepans were great :)

Putting ds in the hall until he calms done- tick!

Cbeebies/Peppa pig-tick!

Celebrating a small success this morning as he got dressed without a tantrum. How? This little piggy to get him to put his socks on and there was a little mousey to get him to straighten his legs for jeans

Try distraction, lots of TV and chocolate! MY DS1 has horrid tantrums too and sometimes I end up crying. If your DS1 tantrums have got worse since birth this may be the cause. Just got to stick it out, he will get used to DS2. My DS 1 was 2.10 when DS2 was born. He did not like him at all when he was born. He found the crying annoying and asked me if the baby was going back in my tummy. He got used to him gradually and they now adore each other at 3.5 and 7 mths. They think each other to be hilarious and it's lovely. Still get tantrums but par for the course! Just trying to ignore and bribe him out of it and grit my teeth. If it helps I read somewhere that any child who reacts badly to a new sibling will get over it within 3 months.

Lots of helpful advice. I am really going to try and keep calm. I have tried leaving him when he tantrums in the. Hall, and going to the kitchen but it upsets him tenfold, and he stands sobbing and hitting the glass pane in the door until I let him in.

The fact that he won't always be like this gives me hope, but I wish it would happen sooner rather than later. I doubt my sanity can take much more!

My mother says he's highly strung due to me (and him 'getting' my anxiety through my milk)

Oh well there you are then, pinkoyster! Here was me thinking you just had the typical fluctuating-temper ball of energy toddler! Thank goodness there's a rational explanation aka its all YOUR fault!!

Is Granny too far away to come and help out or babysit?

Seriously, sometimes surprise tactics catch their attention and ssssh- ssssh- sssshushing and "Let Mummy give you a big cuddle" or just "I know you're cross, it's a shame, poor you" can defuse a meltdown. Or singing or tickling or star jumps (I know, I know). Honestly everyone has their own repertoire and the maddening thing is, it might work once but not necessarily again.

I love you donkeys!!

Yes, DM has always been of the opinion that whatever is wrong with DS is my fault (I'm over/under stimulating him, giving him too much/little attention, not enough/too much milk, food, love-delete as appropriate)...

All great ideas there. Esp the star jumps. That's sure to make him laugh. It sounds terrible I know, but can't help wishing I could be by myself for a few days. Just to potter and relax without the screaming/whining/whinging. I'm def no earth mother :-(

Wish I'd had MN when I had little DCs, had a supportive mini network of friends with babies the same age so that helped. There's always rl Competitive Mum or Mildly Scandalised Mum but on the whole people seem quite open and supportive.