Helping children develop emotional intelligence

[evertonmint]

I have a 4yo DS. He isn't very good at social niceties - doesn't't say hello, goodbye and we're working very hard on please and thank you. We model all of these and have always modelled them - we are pretty polite parents! - but he doesn't appear to have picked up on it. Anyway, I think it is actually that he has poor emotional intelligence and I want to work out ways of helping him with this before it becomes a problem. He is getting to the age where people don't excuse you for being too small to say hellp/goodbye/please/thank you, and it obviously is a much deeper issue than social niceties.

We have noticed a few times that he doesn't say hello to school friends when they say hello to him - he either ignores them or does this weird shrinking back thing which can look a bit like he doesn't like them. These are often his good friends, so it's not a case of shyness. Once or twice he has left the little boy or girl talking to him looking really hurt or confused. When I suggest he says hello back he says things like 'Oh but I'm looking at the swings in the playground" or "oh but I need to take my coat off" - either changing the subject or coming up with a bizarre reason why he can't exchange greetings.

He also doesn't really understand if people are upset. If his DD hurts herself, he either ignores her or just shouts me rather than trying to comfort her himself. His friend fell on the ice yesterday and I suggested he ask if he was ok. DS looked at me like I was mad and ran off! He hardly ever says sorry unless seriously prompted when he caused the hurt.

It is really noticeable now as DD is 2.3 and incredibly emotionally intelligent. She understands when somebody is hurt and how you look after them, check they're ok, say sorry if it is your fault. She understands why you say please and thank you and sometimes uses them in situations we would never expect - e.g. going up to daddy to thank him for cooking dinner while he is doing it!

Any ideas on how I can help him develop his emotional intelligence?

DD1 was like this. She would be concerned, but not really know what to do. I just would remind her what she should say, sometimes before eg. if we were going to someone's house I'd remind her before we went to say "hello" when we arrived and "Goodbye, thank you for playing with me".

It took her until she was about 9 before she was saying these things spontaniously, and sounding as though she meant it. She went through a stage of saying the right thing in a tired/bored way, which was her way of covering embarrassment. It was shyness, even with people she knew well and liked lots, she struggled with even saying hello.

But even when I was struggling to get her to say these things, she was always regarded by parents, teachers and other children as being kind and polite.

Thanks! It's good to know it's not just my DS, and they sound very similar - everybody thinks he is lovely and comments on him being well-behaved and polite etc but I guess I notice it more, and it will become more noticeable as he gets older and other children become more used to using social niceties. It had never occurred to remind me of what we do and don't say before the situation arises so I end up chivying him to say hello when someone has said hello and then it's probably that he can't process their greeting and my request at the same time so just does or says something else! I will try reminding him before situations.

Bearing in mind what you said, I decided to have a brief chat with him last night about his friend falling:
Me: when he fell how do you think he felt?
DS: sore and upset
Me: what could you have done to make him feel better?
DS: give him a kiss :o
Me: or ask if he was ok?
DS: Mmm, yes.

About 10 mins later, DD accidentally kicked DH in the balls when they were playing on the bed! DH was writhing in manly agony :) and DS went over and patted him on the back. He has never done this before - he normally freezes or ignores somebody's hurt! I then said 'that's lovely DS. what else could you do or say now to check daddy is ok'. he said 'what was the thing you said i should say?' I whispered 'are you ok?' and he asked his dad if he was ok in a sweet, concerned voice!

Amazed! I'll try the reminders beforehand like you did, and also try talking through situations after the event just to help him work out how he could have handled them. Thank you :)