Controlled Timed Crying is winding her up more...

[Ahzrei]

My 12 month old dd has gotten used to us staying in the room with her until she falls asleep, which is alright (although not great) at 7.30pm, but no fun at all at 3am - especially as I'm on my own.

I've been trying the Jo Frost controlled Timed Crying Technique ('sooth and leave') on these pages, but it seems to me that me returning to her every few minutes actually makes her worse, rather than better. She starts off gently crying to herself, and after half an hour of me popping in an out is on the verge of making herself sick.

Has anyone else found this? Did the technique work anyway?

Please please please no-one tell me how cruel I am for letting her cry - before I tried this I either lost my evening to sitting in her room and having dinner at 10pm, or if i really needed to get things done, she'd end up back in the living room in her comfy chair. So this really needs to work!

I did gradual withdrawal with my DD. So at first I was sat right next to her, no interaction, for a few nights. Then a little bit further away for a few nights, and so on. Never going so far that she got distressed. It took a couple of weeks but it worked really well with no crying. I sat with a laptop forum browsing while I did it.

With DS1, who was a little bit older when we had issues, I did the popping in and out of the room thing. That also worked well without causing crying.

With DS2 I have occasionally had to stay in his room with him but it so far (touch wood) seems to be random rather than a persistant habit so I've just gone with it.

Every child is different so the way you treat them needs to reflect that. If she's getting terribly distressed than I'd say the approach isn't working and it's worth trying something different. It's difficult when so called experts claim that their approach is one that always works. It makes it feel like you are doing it wrong. But in all probability it's just the wrong approach for your child.

I hope you find something that works soon. I suspect that knocking the 10.30 milk on the head might be part of the solution. Does she have milk at bedtime too? I tried all sorts with DD. I remember giving her weetabix at bedtime at one point to try and fill her up!

Hi there! I am in a similar situation - 11 month-old who needs to be fed and then cuddled to sleep. She has been co-sleeping with us in the middle of the night as it is alot easier than returning her to the cot. And exactly the same as you I need my sleep and to do stuff. Also she needs to learn how to soothe herself to sleep - something we have always done for her.

Anyway, my "technique" is to leave her. I feed and rock her to almost sleep then put her down. I give her the vest/sweater I have been wearing during the day as a comforter. I go in after 2 minutes to reassure her and then pretty much just leave her. I found as you are now that it disturbed her if I went in during the crying phase. The first time I felt awful, but now I know that in less than 5 minutes she will be asleep. Something that would have taken me up to half an hour or longer somtimes before. Another thing I do is: when I resassure her I pick her up and she of course begins to cry when I put her down so I rock and shhh her stomach with my hand. It seems to soothe her to give me time to get to the door.

It is tough during the middle of the night. A few minutes seems like forever when you are trying to ignore a crying baby. But it is definitely working for us, I have seen a definite improvement. She no longer cries when she loses her dummy - in fact she no longer sleeps with her dummy. And she is still the happiest litte baby when she wakes up in the morning, so no damage has been done. Next to tackle is the night feeding. Good luck!

PS I am a 70s baby and was left for hours (days?) to cry myself to sleep. To hear my mother talking about it, I'm surprised myself that I am not still crying in that cot to this day. Anyway, not that I would every do that to my DD, but what damage has it done to me? Seriously any ideas?

ahzrei someone on here once said that you have to find the thing that works for your baby: if going in is winding her up, try not going in. This happened with my dd2 (nearly 14 months now) but she went from co-sleeping, waking multiple times a night to sleeping through (pretty much) in a couple of nights. We moved her out of our room; she had no feeds at night. first night she woke at 3, I offered water, which made her furious. I went in after 5, then 10, then 15 minutes. Again, every time it made her furious. She was asleep after that. I went to check on her, and woke her up, so had to do it all again. Next night, she woke at 6, I didn't go in. She went back to sleep after about 10-15 minutes. She still wakes occasionally, but usually it's just a little cry and back to sleep. If it goes on I go in, pick her up briefly and lay her down and say goodnight.

So if going in isn't working, try not going in? I am not saying that your dd is necessarily as easy as mine, but worth a try (disclaimer: not suggesting the crying till vomiting approach)

Gloucestergirl, that's pretty reassuring. Having thought about this all evening I think the problem is that I keep chopping and changing between going in and leaving her alone, so I'll stick to one thing for a few days and see how it goes. Wish us luck!

And thanks everyone for the advice.