How to cope with meltdowns

[Tiredtiredtiredzzz]

DD1 is 4 and has frequent meltdowns for trivial reasons.

Today she couldn't find her gloves at pre-school, the cloakroom was busy as all the other parents were getting their children ready and the snow was coming down thick and fast and we needed to set off home before we got stranded at the nursery. she needed to hurry, which is something she really struggles with. This lead to a massive screaming snotty tantrum, in front of all of the other parents, causing a blockage to all those wanting to get their coats and leave.

I tried to be calm and move her out of the way but she was screaming. The staff must think me heartless as I showed no sympathy but kept repeating how that's not the way to behave to get what you want. One of the staff brought the gloves, which I took, they asked if she was ok, and I said she's just having another tantrum...I'm so tired of it!

Anyway I think I might take her out of the pre-school as I feel really embarrassed by this behaviour, it happens probably at least 3/4 days when I collect her.

she does this at home as well, she eats so slowly that she doesn't get to finish or have any dessert, she takes so long to get dressed that she sometimes has to stay home instead of coming with me to an appointment, she takes ages to get washed in the bath and refuses to get out - so she now has a quick shower which she hates. All these things lead to me barking hurry up then this results in a massive meltdown, which involves screaming and forced choking and wailing for hours. I don't know how to make her stop?

any advice????

only child or others to cope with too?

doesn't make that much difference, but if there's a younger sibling, you might have a harder time to get things sorted, so that's why I'm asking.

we have a 6month old dd too

think sometimes i am sooo tired and running late cos of last minute nappy changes / full clothing changes so am stressed and trying to rush her to hurry up.

this morning she wanted to come to the doctors with me but she didn't get ready in time so had to stay home with dh, she really lost control and was throwing herself on the floor etc but i couldn't deal with her as i had to get to the doctors for our appt. so dh tried to calm her down and sent her to her room to calm, which is our strategy, dosent really work cos she stays up there for hours wailing

I assume she's behaving like this recently - few months, so I'd say she's acting up because of baby!

it's called regression, basically she wants you to treat her as you treat baby coz it looks just lovely how baby has everything done for her!

if this rings true, please say - I don't want to go on if it might be something else

My eldest was prone to meltdowns when things didn't go the way he was expecting. They are not like "tantrums", and he would almost collapse with hysteria, sobbing, choking etc, so I know how you feel.

He gradually got better, particularly after he started school, although it was the main topic of parents' evening in infants!

In your case - can you slow things down, allow extra time for everything, and give her plenty of notice? So, with a bath, just explain that she can have 10 mins, set a timer that she can see, and at the end give her a minutes warning, then pull the plug out?

With getting dressed to go out, allow extra time, and set a timer again?

I think if you can step back and not get emotionally involved it helps. If she sees you are stressed, it will stress her more.

Oh, and sticker charts! Not for staying calm, because she probably can't help that, but for getting her shoes on quickly etc.

I wouldn't stop nursery, btw. Just keep her routine.

• yes it does seem to be a recent thing, in lots of other ways she's really good at doing things for herself and helping with baby, she gets lots of praise for this and we tell everyone how good she is at being a big sister etc - she responds well to positive praise and feels really proud

• yes, her meltdowns are something else, its scary to see her totally loose control and I try not to get involved but she wont stop!

think I might get an egg timer thing, with sand in, so she can see the time passing and knows visually when her time will be up. And a chart for doing things quickly.

thank you both for your advice

Hi again - about the great big sister thing, that is brilliant, but she has to have an opportunity to be a baby too. If it has got worse since the baby arrived, then maybe she's feeling that you're expecting a lot from her, when she's still actually very little herself?

Slow it all right down, lots of cuddles just for her, but lots of routine and structure.

Usually when a child has a full blown tantrum like that they have lost control and cant do reasoning. She was upset about losing her gloves and you were trying to rush her, sure fire way to trigger a tantrum/meltdown.

My Dd3 has ASD and used to have huge meltdowns where she completely lost control, the only way to calm her was cuddling her.

Your LO doesnt do this on purpose, something is setting her off. I would go for not rushing, not panicking her and loads more cuddles.

Good luck

My first thought was actually to check how you are yourself - do you feel fed up and on edge? A bit sleep deprived? The reason I am asking that my DD reacts immediately if I am edgy or sharp, she is quite a sensitive soul and we get much further with humour than barking.

I wouldn't take your DD out of pre-school, there is nothing to be embarrassed about with kids tantruming, they all do that.

I would second the timer thing, as an aid for both of you.
I was also advised that when you ask DCs to do something,ask once then count to 10 (in your head not out loud) its amazing how many times they get up on the count of 9 and do it, and if I hadn't been counting I would have already asked again at least once, which wold get me annoyed (iykwim).
And also, if you know it takes 10 mins to pu er oat and shoes on, as far as possible always allow 10 mins extra time for her to do it.
As others have said, lots of praise and positivity for when she gets it right and maybe some help to gee her along when she doesn't.

Yes, very tired and quite snappy, and she is very sensitive. I suppose I do expect a lot from her, bearing in mind she is only 4. I just need to calm down and slow down and stop pecking at her to hurry up as she needs time to do things properly and feel in control.

Had a good day of crafting together today and no rushing around to get anywhere cos of the snow, its been nice to enjoy time with her