Is my (severe) anxiety clouding my judgement of DS, 19mo?

[PPL]

Hi all

Please be patient with me. I have severe anxiety which, although is being treated, does tend to rear its ugly head once in a while. This is problematic in that everyone thinks any concern or worry is just my anxiety and that there is no real problem whatsoever.

I have always had minor concerns re autism but in the past it's only really been on my mind because of a family connection and therefore on my mind. I don't really know a lot about it though.

DS has always been high needs child, and cried a lot. I had PND and I think we took a while to bond. As part of my anxiety and OCD I have always done lots of 'checking' - eg trying to get eye contact, repeatedly calling his name to get a response etc.

Anyway, I've done the m-chat test and there is no cause for concern. He does everything he is supposed to. Problem is, he doesn't do any of it all the time. Eg. He holds eye contact well, but only on his terms and we have gone almost all afternoon with none. He answers his name but if he's engrossed in something it might take several goes. He likes rough and tumble but sometimes I go to do horsey horsey on my lap and he shakes his head and wriggles off. He can point both to show interest and to ask for something, but more often than not if he wants something he just whinges and whines until I run through the options. He follows instructions well eg bring X to mummy, go upstairs etc, but when it comes to 'give a kiss' or 'cuddle mummy' he will only do it once time out of ten, when he feels like it.

Having met most milestones on time (he didn't walk til 18mo though), his speech is behind. He has very few words, only about 10 and they are half words eg bah for ball, bubble and book! He doesn't really use mummy or daddy in context although I am fairly certain he knows what they mean and can definitely make the sounds. He understands everything we say though, and he babbles all day everyday, holding proper little conversations with himself.

THe main thing that worries me is that he is so independent. I feel unwanted sometimes. This afternoon he played independently for well over an hour, probably more like two. I tried to engage him with music and instruments and he just wanted to potter around on his own. Tried to throw him about a bit and he just wanted to play at his kitchen making tea. The more I tried, the less he would give me eye contact. I think he would have been upset if I'd left the room though. My mum just says he's a quiet, content boy who likes to explore on his own terms. I'd love to be content with that. If we go to the park, he just runs off, does his own thing, I chase him around for a bit and then we go home. He doesn't engage with my presence at all. He LOVES to run around the park but he's not interested in interaction while we're there, unless I have a ball to play with.

I am just so fed up with not knowing if my worries are genuine concerns or the result of my anxiety. I know my own issues are the key here, but I'd hate to think any problems with DS were getting ignored because of my anxiety, its a bit of a 'boy who cried wolf' situation.

What would you do and do you think I have any reason for concern?

Thanks so much if you got this far!

Hi, I read your post because I noticed you had no replies. My husband has anxiety so I have an idea what it can be like. As I was reading about your boy I thought he sounds just like my daughter who is 17 months old. I have no health concerns about her at all. She is happy and very independent. When you say "on his terms" I think thats just what toddlers do! She will cuddle and play and make faces and eye contact, but only if she wants to. If she is engrossed in something, she carries on with that and there is no way of holding her in my arms longer than she wants, she wriggles away all the time. At the park or any public place she wants to let go of my hand and always heads for the door, the road etc.
So basically I think that you maybe are worrying too much. Toddlers are selfish little creatures really! luckily our love for them overrides that. With regard to speech, my daughter has about 10 words but they are all a bit jumbled and she doesnt always use them in context. I am not an expert, just another parent so please do get your son assessed by a professional if you have concerns but I think that he sounds perfectly normal.
I hope this reply helps and next time he plays on his own for two hours, get yourself a nice cup of tea and a book and enjoy it!

Hi. I think your Mum is right, and he is a contented happy child.

I wonder whether the constant checking is OCD (something I have had rather too much experience of, both myself, my DH and my Dad). Can you assume that your son is absolutely fine, and that you are over worrying? If you are having treatment for anxiety, I think it may be worth mentioning this.

Hey sympathy for the anxiety-been there and am there often.

It's irritating when people assume that any concerns that I raise are as a result of anxiety. Truth is that most anxiety is based on a reasonable concern - it's the response that is often different to non anxious people. One of the ways I deal with it is to have a group of friends and professionals around me that can help me calibrate my judgements. Judgement is hard when anxiety at peak and I have to really work hard when in bad place to use all the techniques I have to make good decisions. Have you tried CBT as way of dealing with immediate impact of anxiety attacks?

Re your concerns - many many parents without anxiety worry about autism. Early intervention helps so great that parents like you are looking out for it. And all the things you are doing to 'test' him sound a lot like normal mum child activities. If you are worried that you are being OCD about it chat to your doctor but it doesn't sound like that you are doing much more than many autism aware
mums.

Professionally I would say he is not showing any markers for autism at this point - the imaginative play you describe is a really good sign- but no
professional could tell you for sure without good assessments. If you continue to be concerned talk to your health visitor.

You might want to try the progress checker at www.ican.org.uk it helps
you check speech and language. It's
good for any mum but with anxiety I have found that the more I used quite objective tests the more I started to trust my judgement again.

Good luck. Thinking of you.

Think you all for your replies. It's ver reassuring especially hearing from people who have some experience of anxiety.

I take meds and have completed a long course of CBT last year - but it's always there in the background. I also try and have a good network to rely on for support, like you chairtymum, but a actually a bi part of my treatment was to avoid reassurance seeking and face up to the anxiety, although I have always found that very hard.

I re did the mchat with dh this evening and he helped reassure me that he does do all the right things, but I guess i'll never stop worrying. So I will take him to see hv and see what she says. I have a feeling though that we and my gp also blame my frequent visits in my anxiety! Bit tbh I haven't mentioned autism to either of them as I'm frightened of hearing something I don't want to.

His imaginative play is brilliant. Most of that time this afternoon was spent either at his kitchen making tea and eating, or rearranging the lounge and then putting it back as it should be. Is that unusual or is that imitating his parents tidying up!? also he talked a lot on the phone and pushed cars up and down and up and down...

Will try and get some sleep tonight and stop worrying...

Thanks again.

Sleep always good! And don't forget to eat well.

Avoiding seeking reassuring is hard-I
know. I tend to use my networks not for reassurance rather to ask if they think I making good judgements. Sometimes you can be anxious and right!!

No decent doctor will ever mind any parent bringing an 18 month old if there are any worries-they'd rather see the 'worried well' than a child who is really poorly not getting to them early enough.

One of the things I had to do in counselling was to work on facing the worst fears. Recognising the worst fear and realising I'd be able to deal with it helped. I'm sure you know that anxiety is more about what might happen rather than what is. Anxious people can often handle real crisis well. If you son is autistic it sounds like you are loving mum with great DH and you'd cope.

That said the markers don't seem to be there and copying and pretend play seem great. Chat to your HV-that not anxiety just reasonable for someone with a family history and concerns.

Best

He sounds like a lovely little boy.

I get incredibly anxious about my two but have learned to manage it.

Do you have any other peers of his age that you can do playdates with? Speak to other mums at playgroups?

Another anxiety sufferer here. You really must stop checking, you know? You can do it!

And against my better judgement I'm going to tell you that that sounds extremely normal. I have a 19 month old who just runs around every playgroup and activity we go to. It's what she loves to do. And she has never really babbled to herself, but she can talk for Britain now, so I've never worried about it. They are all different.

Hi ppl, you sound like a great mum. Just wanted to say that ds1 was the same - was happy playing on his own, entertaining himself. The more I pushed the less he would want to play with me, so I would sit and read or tidy up and ds1 would come to me when he was ready. The first time I took him to a soft play he just crawled off without a backward look! It did make me feel a bit unwanted but when I mentioned it to the HV, she said it just shows how secure he is that he knows he will be safe and his mum is there.

His speech was also quite slow to develop (quite common with boys). When he was two the hv referred him for some speech therapy and by three you couldn't get him to shut up! One tip for helping speech to develop is to add words to what they are saying so if ds says 'ball' you would say 'yes, a red ball'. If he points out any cars 'oh yes, two cars'.

Ds2 is completely different. His speech developed much more quickly, but he also wanted more interaction. He can play on his own but he's much happier with someone to play with. He's also freer with his cuddles & kisses!

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I can see how your anxiety might make you worry, so if you think it will put your mind at ease then talk to your HV or GP.

Wow, so many anxiety sufferers out there. How come I don't know any in real life! Apart from immediate family that is, we're all as bad as eah other!

I know I must stop checking. We've had a lovely morning and he's in a great mood and I'm feeling a bit better.

As for him being independent, well I am a sahm with some help from grandparents, and I don't know if that's got anything to do with it but we seem to have escaped separation anxiety for the most part - occasionally he gets a bit upset when I leave without explaining where I'm going, but generally he does seem secure so that might explain why he's so happy to play alone.

This mornin I caught him spinning the wheels on his car and that got me all worried. - but then he turned it over and started playing properly! Then he went on to build a massive tower of blocks, point to it, show me and then clap. Whenever I get really worried he does something like that to make me feel so much better!

Thanks for all the supportive messages re anxiety. So nice to feel understood.

Hi

I could have written the majority of this post myself a few months ago so just wanted to let you know that you arent alone. I also suffer with anxiety although I have never been properly diagnosed with it. I had a spell in the summer where I had similar concerns for my DS and did the m-chat etc (which he passed all but one question) I also found it useful to mention to my health v and to his nursery, who conducted an observation and raised no concerns. I guess I sometimes find it hard to believe that everything will be ok with my little one and 'look' for things. I am trying hard not to worry too much. If I catch myself doing it I try to stop before it gets out of control and I keep well away from google

x

Hello, I have no knowledge of anxiety so I cannot help u there. I'm sorry. He does from your clear description sound very like my dd who we know has no sn problems. Everything is on her terms really! Of course til I'm out of eyeshot then she can scream for me. It is a bit odd I can't decide if I thought kids were more needy than this or if I'm relieved at the level it is, does mean I get some time for a cuppa for example....

I don't know if helpful....

Hi, my experience is with an SN child rather than about anxiety and the SN isnt autism. I would say if you are worried to ask your doctor to check and if ness get a referral to a peadiatrician to have things checked out properly. IME other parents are far too polite to tell you anything helpful at this age. I must say hes still young and it all sounds fine but it may be easier to have him checked and allay your anxiety that way.

In terms of the independent play thats worrying you I dont think indep play in itself is the issue, its whether he is interested in sharing that with you. Your efforts to play together in your original post are all about you changing the play agenda rather than joining in with his play IYSWIM. Try sitting alongside him when he's playing, not getting involved immediately so he stops being concerned you'll take over and see if he looks at you to see your reaction/interest in what hes doing. My daughter is v delayed and her play is very limited but a key thing is that while there is little interaction with me when she's playing, and she can get cross if I intervene too much. If I sit respectfully and just try to participate at her pace she will look and smile at me and seems generally pleased Im here. The various experts involved in her care conclude from this and other behaviours that she is probably not autistic.

BTW the showing you the tower and asking you to share in his pleasure at it (pointing and clapping) sounds like you dont have autism to worry about.

Reading your post I am wondering whether he is deliberately blanking you on purpose because you keep repeating requests. If I was you I would just try to play the games that he actually enjoys and not try to push him in another direction. He sounds happy.

All children are different, my dd is the opposite she has never been any good at imaginative play and always wants someone to play a game with her.

Thanks for the further response. You you both might verify that I'm just bugging him by trying to get him to play with me. He does tend to brin me things to show me while playing, eg he'll make me a cuppa and bring it to me. Teeee is one of his few words so he loves doing that! Or he'll brin me a cat from his happyland and get me to do meeeow. This afternoon I dozed on the sofa while he played with my mum and he kept trying to wake me up to show me things.

Not always though - if he gets really engrossed in something he can totally forget I'm there- until I leave the room of course! And at toddler group he'll just tear about the place without giving me a second glance, unless he's tired or intimidated in which case he becomes a limpet.

If he wants a snack he'll stand in the kitchen pointing at the cupboard and whining. Is that normal or should he come and get me and take me to show me what he wants?

Thanks again for all the replies, it means a lot.

Personally he sounds fine.

I looked into autism because my 20mo DD wouldn't react to her name, was fairly rubbish with language etc. She's since been diagnosed with severe glue ear and can only hear the lowest frequencies. Now that I've altered how I talk to her - kneeling in front of her, gesturing as well as saying the words (ie miming folding a towel while saying 'can you help me fold the towel'), tapping her on the shoulder to get her attention, she's made a real jump forward.

But she's an independent type too. Happy to play alone with her toy bus or her dolls house, rearranging furniture for an hour at a time. Equally happy stomping around the park on her own. But she's sociable with people too. Just has times when she doesn't want to be a performing seal for her parent's amusement!

My DN though DOES have autism concerns. And he seems different to how you describe. He's 2yo and doesn't respond to his name, doesn't play with toys, no make believe (your son making tea in the kitchen would be beyond him), has food texture issues... has no words at all...

So I'd say your son actually sounds fine but if you're worried, maybe take him along for a hearing test. It's quick and would probably ease some anxiety on your side.

Oh, and DD gets what she wants from the cupboard by standing by it, reaching up and saying 'uh uh uh' with mounting urgency. She doesn't go and get me.

I think it's normal.

Responding mainly because of the mention of Anxiety really. I have it too, it was horrid whilst I was pregnant and I then had PND which I recovered from and until recently due to stresses at work I was feeling a lot better but now I am feeling very down and anxious. The only thing that has got me to keep going is my little family and my wedding coming up in June.

Is there anything in particular that has caused this for you? My mother had mental health issues so I often wonder of it is hereditary. The doctors don't seem to have a great deal of sympathy or understanding......