Using 'can I' instead of 'may I'- does it matter?

[Kiteflying27]

I was wondering, how many of us differentiate between 'can' and 'may'? I've noticed that I tend to always say 'can' when I really mean 'may' e.g. "please can I have a cup of tea?" Do you think that it matters? I'd hate my child to start school and be considered rude by always asking for things using 'can', but I'm worried that if I start trying to use 'may', I'll do it inconsistently and then confuse him.
Re-reading this post I wonder if worrying about this just means I have too much time on my hands!

Really?

Don't worry about it.

I've always taught my sons to say 'may' but tbh, given the standard of manners nowadays I'd be so bloody grateful that a child in my class said please and thank you I wouldn't care about may/can!

As long as there is a pleased tagged on it somewhere I don't worry. Although I do remember my head teacher always saying "you can but you may not" to requests and little children standing there baffled at to whether they could or couldn't go to the toilet!

At school-starting age, if they can articulate what they'd like and ask for it politely, with a Please and maybe even a Thank You somewhere in the process then I'm sure the teacher will be very happy.

Even back when I was at school, it was the teachers of older classes who got funny about "can" vs "may", and I don't think all the children even then knew what they were on about, even in the 70s.

Yeah, my son is 2.5 and i try to get him to use "may" especially as hes started saying "can i get...." which grinds my gears....sounds rude to my delicate little ears.

I don't think he'll be considered rude, but I never think it's a bad thing to use the correct English - but then I'm slightly pedantic about things. It will certainly help when children get older (ie teens) and are writing essays if they are clear about when and which words should be used.

(I get driven mad by pupils writing essays which contain 'he should of done this'.)

I had left this one as there were more irritating issues with DC speech (picking things up from non-native speakers) but DS (6) has acquired 'may' from school. Which has rather impressed me :)

Thanks for the replies, I think I'll try and find something else to worry about for now then...

As many teachers love saying, 'you can, but as to whether your may', if all children got it 'right' in the first place, it would deprive them of this little pleasure.

We try to instill manners but as long as there is a please I tend not to worry too much when they are little still. My almost 19 year old is still expected to say please may I be excused after he's eaten his dinner in the evening.

As long as it's preceded by 'please' I'm sure it won't matter! Personally I prefer 'may' to 'can' but the please is the important bit!

I don't mind whether people say 'can' or 'may', but please please please say 'have' not 'get'.

My DH says 'Can I get ....' when asking for things (ordering dinner etc). To me, that means he's asking the waiter for permission to go the the kitchen himself and get something. Drives me nuts (and my reaction every time drives DH nuts too).

Be careful of putting your child off speaking if their grammar is corrected.

As long as you say it correctly, they're more likely to pick it up. But if you're constantly beating them with a metaphorical stick of pedantry then don't be surprised if they become cautious and low in confidence.

I have tried to teach my DD (3 years) to say "please may I have..." so she doesn't have to remember to tag the "please" on to the end IYKWIM? Not sure it's worked though to be honest, more often than not she needs to be reminded!

Please don't worry - although I am aware of this 'rule' in 7 years of Secondary teaching it has never come up as an issue. It is something which has become archaic really.

"I get driven mad by pupils writing essays which contain 'he should of done this"

This one however is a nightmare and is a particular problem in London where I teach as everyone including myself says could've which in our accent sounds like 'could of.' No matter how many times I explain it I am still met by blank looks.

"get" for "have" is pure American & it drives me wild when DS2 (19) uses it

I blame TV

well, it annoys me because they don't actually mean the same thing!

I am a pedant, I admit it and I have taught ds to say "May I... please?". It's the way I speak and I want him to understand the importance of good manners even though he's 23 months .

DD3 (3.4) often demands things (I want...) and when prompted to ask politely, says "Please may can I have...?" No amount of gentle retraining has sorted this out yet. I suspect it's quite a difficult concept for small children.

I tend to correct "I want" to "please may I have" but if she spontaneously said "please can I have" I wouldn't be bothered. At the moment I would probably be happy with "I want...please", but she is only just 3.

No, no! You are both too polite. You need to say, 'I want doesn't get!' in the brisk tone my granny used! .

I like please may I ..... and that is what I taught my DC's to say. It sounds nice and polite. TBH as long as DCs say please and thankyou then I am happy

As long as they say please I don't think it matters. I can't stand all this "can I get" when ordering in coffee shops/bars/restaurants. It really sets my teeth on edge..

I'll admit, it's something I correct automatically (although rarely now).