Going insane with 3.5 yr old DD

[DebsJM]

My DD is 4 in August and I also have a 10 month old son. DD had a really difficult patch for 4 months (aug-Dec) last year when her behaviour was just awful. Then stopped as quick as it started. However, its back and worse than ever.

Basically she is jealous of her little brother and the behaviour so far includes: hitting, scratching him, being heavy handed with him, screaching at him, bossing him aound, taking toys away etc etc the list goes on & on!!!! She is also disobedient with us & is deliberately trying to provoke us.

I am now at my wits end with her as I can't leave them alone together even for a second. I now have another problem whereby no means of punishment works. Have tried reward charts (doesn't care), naughty step (sings & then says she wants to stay there), toy confiscation (offers me a toy for next time she's naughty!) & time out in bedroom. Am also doing the praise good behaviour & ignore the bad but I can't ingnore her when she's hurting James.

All of which simply don't get a reaction. What on
earth else can I do?? Am trying to spend 1:1 time with her but v hard when DH not home much as works long hours & James needs usual attention etc.

PLEASE can anyone help???!!! Even just to re-assure me that this is all normal stuff and will go. If so WHEN???!!! Sorry this so long,x

you poor thing, this sounds stressful. I'm just replying tho not an expert as only have one child - sure someone will be along soon who has been there.

I just wanted to say something stood out to me from your post and that is that your DD is displaying attention seeking behaviour. Telling you she wants to stay on the naughty step, being disobendient, and deliberately provocative to you are clear signs of wanting attention.

Obviously I understand she can't have your undivided attention any longer because of no: 2. But I just wondered if it's possible you have got into a negative spiral where most interactions with her are negative because of how she is with your DS? It's very easily done and kids do welcome negative interaction rather than none!

I think, and maybe someone will be along with some more practical advice, but I think it's a case of making every interaction positive. If she is not actively being naughty, there's your chance to kiss and hug her and tell her what a lovely child she is, etc etc. Do you get her involved with helping with DS, eg passing you his nappy or whatever? Or maybe she might learn some more gentle ways of interacting with your DS if she helps you gently put some cream on him after his bath or something like that? Perhaps play with her to teach her gentle tickling of him with a feather or something and she can learn the things he LIKES her to do.

Does he have an earlier bedtime? Does she have time with you alone for some interaction tailored to her and her age?

Obviously you know your kids best and will know how best to get your DD to feel that you are just as much with her as you are with your DS, but I think that is what is the key in view of her current clear attention seeking. And I'm sure it won't last, she will mature, she's still very young! Not that this helps today, I know!

DebsJM - I know right where you're at

The first year of DS2's life was pure hell for us all. DS1 hated him on sight. Would hit, bite, kick, nearly jumped on but I got there on time thank goodness, yank his head off me when I was b/f him in fact it was absolutely dreadful. Like you say no punishment works but you know it's all about jealousy. How to make sure they know that their behaviour isn't acceptable but reassure them that you love them at the same time? Wish I had the answer to give you. I just made sure that I had at least 1 hour a day with just DS1, usually at the end of the day after ds2 had gone to bed. Think it helped a bit. But what really did the trick was DS2 getting mobile at 10months and being a bit more 'fun' and then starting to fight back a bit. DS2 is now 18months and yes they fight a lot but it's a little more even now and DS2 gives almost as good as he gets and the best bit is they play together really well most of the time, they've become friends.

Just hang in there a bit longer, it will get better and chances are it'll happen naturally without too much intervention from you. Time is a great thing, give your kids it and they'll turn into angels (occasionally ).