Help needed. Awful Seperation Anxiety with 4 year old and school

[peachcake]

Hello,

My question is do you go for the tough love approach and make your child go to school anyway or think of an alternative like mornings only or no school until next year even! I am getting desperate.

I'm really looking for some help and advice from those of you that may have experienced similar situations and have made them better or at least bearable!

My 4 year old daughter just doesn't want to go to school, she was a bit wobbly when she started in September but her feelings are much more severe now. She goes to bed and wakes up complaining of tummy ache and feels unwell (I genuinely believe she has a nervous stomach ache) then getting to the bottom of it she'll say that she doesn't want to go to school because she misses me.

I have to leave her at school sobbing and trying to run after me, it's awful. Teacher is great really trying to help with reassurance and distraction but it doesn't seem to have any effect.

The thing is I have 4 children 2 boys who have never suffered with separation anxiety and another daughter now 14 who did, I made her continue to go to school and her problems just got worse until she had CBT counselling. She'll now say that she was utterly miserable at primary school and felt lost and unhappy most of the time (heartbreaking) this also had a detrimental effect on her learning. Can I do this to my other daughter and put myself through the same awful experience again?

Just don't know which way to turn and what to do for the best, please advise.

I suffered from this myself - my earliest memories include the smell of my mum's sheepskin jacket as I smeared my snotty nose all over it. I say that just to let you know - it can come to an end on its own! If it has also happened with your other daughter, maybe there is something in the things you do? Perhaps you could get some counselling? Maybe you are reflecting the trauma you felt about DD1 onto DD2?

I don't want to sound awful but perhaps it would help. I know that later school refusers (I am a secondary school teacher and formerly a head of year) tend to run in families and it costs grades.

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents

They were v helpful with dd
Dd was only cured after being school refuser at 2schools then he for 6 mths
then got her into a school which could deal with her special needs
she left primary with 5's and went to a grammar school
it will get worse if you force her
phone Young Minds
good luck

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents

We have got a support thread running for parents of anxious children. I will bump it for you.

There are a few of us on there whose children suffer with separation anxiety. Me being one of them. I have no real advice for you. We had to move school in the end becasue her old school wouldnt and couldnt meet her needs.

My Dd now has nominated adults at school who can help her if she is anxious, it still gets missed sometimes but she is alot better than she was when she was younger.

good luck

My DD2 has AS and couldn't cope with full time school aged 4. Although she was undiagnosed at the time I knew she was not emotionally ready to be there and told the school she would be attending mornings only for a while.

This while turned into two terms. The school were not happy but I stuck to my guns and it was the right thing to do. It was easier to send her full time when she was two terms older.

I also used to send her with an old school sweatshirt which I had slept with. If she was missing me a lot she was allowed to go and get it out of her bag and cuddle it and the smell was comforting. I chose a school sweatshirt so it didn't stand out if other children saw it.

Hi Peachcake, as Julia mentioned upthread, home ed is an option. We HE ds1 as he was basically the same as your dd when he started preschool, we took him out & made contact with the HE community & haven't looked back, although we plan for him to go to school at some point.

I know a few children who have been home edded for reception and/or y1, then have slotted into y1/2 fairly easily.

Obviously that's not for everyone, and it does depend on the popularity of your local schools, but you sound desperate so it may be worth a thought.