Terrible threes already.. how to manage?

[vladthedisorganised]

Well, she was a late walker so I suppose something was going to hit early, and it seems my 2.8 year old is a teenager already!

Generally she's a delight, and can be really funny, affectionate and a happy little thing.
But when she's bad... Over the last couple of months we've had complaints from nursery over her 'not listening', 'telling off other children', 'wandering off without permission' and last week brought 'answering back' as well. It got to the stage that I was dreading picking her up as I knew the first thing I would hear was "It's not been a very good day...."
Up to now, she's been OK at home, but today brought the full complement of escaping (she's normally pretty good about holding my hand in busy places) followed by a screaming tantrum when I caught her; wanting to watch TV all the time (I limit it, so she doesn't normally watch a lot) and whining for it even when being distracted by another activity; running off when it was time for a bath and slapping DH when he tried to get her socks off.

The problem I'm having is that I seem to be dealing with three discipline styles at once. DH is very much of the 'playful parenting' school of thought - his reaction to the slap was "DD, did you just hit me? I'm not a drum! Why don't we drum on a cushion and see what noise it makes?" while I was thinking "Hang on, where's the 'We don't hit, it hurts people. Now, ask Daddy if he's OK and tell him you're sorry'??
Conversely, her new carer at nursery seems to be very strict on areas that I'm not. Some of the 'incidents' seem to be things that I wouldn't class as a problem at home - she has started taking herself to the toilet which I really encourage at home, but when it happened at nursery I was told about it as a 'we had to put her in time out because she just got up and wandered off to the loo without saying anything'.

I guess I should probably sit down and work out some degree of consistent discipline with DH, but no idea how I get the three to meet in the middle. Anyone else experienced the same? Am I too soft? I hear three can be worse than two so I'm steeling myself...

your reaction to DD slapping DH is correct, he was being silly and should have told her off.

nursery - I don't think you are soft, but home rules are different from nursery rules, simple as that.
if DD keeps going to the loo by herself but knows the rules and denies them, then time out is reasonable. DD has to understand that nursery is different (as is a busy street or a library or grandma's ) and she has to behave appropriately, whether she likes it or not.

I wonder if it's case of them seeing her as a "problem" child, when every little thing gets exaggerated (you know, black sheep syndrome, they tut and eye-roll), and if so they will never really be reasonable with her - might be time to change nurseries, if possible.

don't want to make you feel paranoid but you know it happens.....

so back to question - nursery rules are what they are, can't change them, so even if you disagree, just smile and tell DD that when she's not in your care she has to do what the responsible adult says! no contest, no exceptions.

you and DH on the other hand have to sit down and have a chat about your clashing parenting styles....if he doesn't get it, tell him to think about why DD slapped him!

tel him that however friendly & loving the relationship is they are not mates, so not equals! she is absolutely not allowed to slap anyone, but least of all her parents (respect?)

she is like a teenager, shows classic signs of figuring out what she's allowed or not, testing and challenging any authority and desperately craving your guidance!
best way to tackle this is laying down some ground rules and reinforcing them
in other words now is time to come down on her like a ton of bricks.

enjoy!

(and the same applies a decade later, remember!)

Thank you! I'm considering drawing up a charter for home so that we're all clear about what is a total 'unasseptible' with immediate sanction (hitting), what is a warning followed by sanction (refusing to get dressed), and what is an undesirable but might be corrected without sanction (in the 'I can't understand that whiny voice, how do you ask nicely?' sort of vein).

I have a nagging feeling that her current carer at nursery does see her a bit as a 'problem' child - she's gelled really well with all the other carers and overall I think it's a great nursery, just that she has a clash with this particular one I think. I do the pep talk every morning "Now, remember, when I'm not there you have to do what X tells you to do, the first time she asks.." and it's getting a little better, though slow progress I think. Her carer did say she "has to really shock her into behaving sometimes - I did say "you are NOT LISTENING and therefore you will spend language time in the corner in SILENCE" - she was so shocked that she was very quiet and attentive for the rest of the day!" which worries me a little; but have asked her to follow the chart method at nursery which I think is working better.
"MiniVlad, it's time to tidy up... Oh, do we take a star off the chart or are you going to tidy up? Good!"

Actually if I could implement a star chart at work it would be wonderful, but that's a whole other story..

yes, just talking through the issues will help clarify your expectations (you & DH) so that's a very good start.

I think shocking DD into behaving will only work for so long, but I see why the might does it.
as we agree the bigger issue is if she doesn't like DD or thinks of her as a problem child - if she's her key worker/main carer and there's a personality clash, can it be arranged to change this?
we all have people we are drawn to, she might be happy to go through fire for someone else?

( when I was at high school a teacher of us needed a babysitter for her son, we all volunteered, but she wanted to be fair so told her son our names only! he chose Cecilia, coz she sounded wonderful! )

I'm crap with charts and lists and really struggle when kids need medicine to for a week 4 times a day....but I think I do deserve a medal every day getting ready to get to school on time! (6 kids....)