ANOTHER fussy eating thread, advice please

[clarkykitten]

My DD, who will be 3 in May has ALWAYS been a fussy eater. She was EBF, never accepted a bottle and when it came to weaning would not accept a spoon so we ended up BLW. As a result, she could obviously choose which foods she wanted to eat and despite being offered all sorts of veggies, fruit, meats, carbs, she really only took a liking to carbs, bread and pasta in particular. Fast forward 2 years and it is getting so stressful :(

DD will NOT eat:

Meat
Fish (except fish finger)
Potato
Vegetables (unless whizzed up on pasta sauce)
Rice, cous cous etc
Fruit - except grapes, blueberries, raspberries

The only sandwiches she will eat are Philly or peanut butter, the only main meal she will eat is pasta with hidden veg sauce. Her day consists of breakfast (loves weetabix), sandwich/fromage friais/one of her preferred fruits and then dinner is a NIGHTMARE! We have a DS (5) who will try most things, loves bolognese etc and we are trying our hardest to provide a balanced meals for our family at night time without always resorting to the pasta with whizzed veg standby, but DD literally refuses to eat any dinner at all unless it is her favourite pasta. We do not offer alternatives and it is making for a very stressful meal time every single night. As she is very verbal, we tell her that she needs to sit at the table, even if she doesn't want to eat, until we are all finished. We used to offer her a yogurt, after the advice from the HV who said talk about 1st and 2nd courses and always offer both even if she doesn't eat the 1st, but it got the stage where she KNEW second course is yogurt/a milky pud etc and so would continually ask for it.

Ahhhh! Getting stressed just thinking of it. Trying really hard to stay calm but everyone always says 'it's just a phase' but she has always been like this and the meal time battles are really starting now (even though I know we shouldn't react). DD is now starting to wake at 5am saying that she is hungry, I use it as an opportunity to tell her that is is because she didn't eat her dinner and don't give her food or milk. Feel cruel, but don't know what else I can do?

Sorry for long post, seeing the others about food triggered something within me and didn't want to hijack threads!

Using hunger to punish a child for not eating the previous day doesn't sit right with me. For one thing, the punishment is removed from the 'crime', it is supposed to be immediate.

My DS is similarly fussy, however if he won't eat what we're having, he has some toast. We also never withhold his yoghurt because he needs the calcium as he doesn't drink milk.

Tbh, I think you need to lighten up as stressful mealtimes are only going to make things worse - you can't force a crying child to eat something they don't want to.

DD2 2.5yrs is just like this and would live on raisins and rice cakes given the option. Older DC all had and still have very clear likes and dislikes but all have eaten a wider variety of their own choosing as they get older.

We all eat together and I try and make sure that some small part of the meal is acceptable (ie pasta) and give her the opportunity to try anything else. Usually she won't but now and then she will be curious and having tried it will find she likes it.

The most important thing is to stay relaxed so she can see that eating a wide variety of foods is a pleasant thing to do not something that makes people cross or stressy. My oldest DD survived for some time on petit filous and now loves vegetables and salads (still no meat).

With regard to waking at 5 hungry, my DD also does that and I'm afraid I just tell her it's tough, the food was there and she didn't eat it so breakfast will be her next meal in a few hours. It's hard but if I started feeding her snacks then I would be doing no one any favours.

I found with DS that peer pressure was a great help and his diet changed dramatically when he had school lunches. Seeing other children enjoy foods he refused to try at home changed his mindset and these days he eats pretty much anything.

My only rule is that everyone stays at the table until the meal is finished as the social aspect of enjoying a meal together is also really imortant IMO.

Don't know if this helps at all just take a deep breath, eat your own meal and enjoy it and eventually chances are she'll join in without realising.

Sorry post was really long. Just wanted to add that I was a fussy eater when I was little and my mum was of the 'have it cold for breakfast lunch etc till its eaten' variety (was the seventies).

This just meant we had a very confrontational relationship and a lot of punishments. By my late teens I discovered that I actually quite liked most of the foods I had had a problem with but by then my relationship with my mum was very damaged, hence my laid back approach.

Hi noblegiraffe and thanks for the reply, I totally see where you are coming from.

I know I need to try and lighten up about it :( It has just been going on for so long that I can't stopped feeling stressed. Everyone said that if we didn't show her we were affected by her lack of eating/trying new foods that she will start eating more, but it has got worse and worse. For example, she used to eat bananas/sausages/cheese but she now doesn't (unless it is a Babyel)

For the past year we have:

Had her 'helping' to prepare meals
Put the foods out individually on the table so she could help herself and give her control of what she wanted to eat (this worked in that she would take a bit of everything, but then not actually eat it or try it)
Been completing ignoring that she didn't eat her first course but offering the 2nd anyway

to no avail.

I know DD would eat bread and butter, but replacing a refused meal with something that she does eat seems counter productive to me when we would like her to increase her repertoire. Maybe it would be better if I started offering her a 'supper' of bread and butter before bed, taking it away from the meal time? The only prob is, that we often don't eat till about 6pm due to work and then by the time dinner is over it is time for the bed time routine to start, so it may make her have to go to bed later if we start introducing a 'supper' every night.

Thanks lavender your post is really helpful in that I know that someone is in the same boat and hearing how you approach it!

Do you offer your DD 'supper' before bed if she hasn't eaten dinner (and do you still offer pudding etc)?

Can you try a new food a day, but alongside food she likes. And make it a family thing

So she likes weetabix. Maybe add some banana and add to everyone's breakfast. Dont make any comment but eat yours with her, and your ds eats that too. Don't fuss if she doesn't eat, but continue to offer every day ( just a slice). Eating or trying can be rewarded with a star chart ( maybe make both children one). If at the end of the week she has more than say 3 /5 stars maybe reward with something like a children's magazine/ or an extra 2 bedtime stories of her choice, or something else small she would like.

Try and introduce a new element at eat meal. So dinner maybe her favourite pasta, but something on the side to try

Not even trying new foods (rather than simply not liking them) is classed differently to picky eating and is called food neophobia. A fear of trying new things will not be overcome by making mealtimes even more stressful by making a big deal over refusal to eat. Gentle and gradual exposure to new foods is apparently the key - having them on the table, then having them on her plate - but also having stuff on the table and plate that she will eat so it's about improving familiarity rather than forcing her to try stuff through hunger and lack of alternatives.

I think it can take years to overcome so hoping for a quick fix needs to be replaced with patience.

We had a breakthrough last night - DS ate some raw carrot. The last time he added a new food was a few months back when he started eating apples. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

I just did a quick google and there is some evidence showing food neophobia is at least partly genetic.

If there is one thing in parentIng that should remain relaxed, it's food , IMO . Just give her massive praise for eating the food she likes , if there is something new then wait until she is hungry , maybe no afternoon snack that day , that can work . My2.9 year old has the same dIet as yours but has multiple intolerances so it's a worry and a pain. We have managed to get him eating sausages through introducing Heinz beans and sausages in a tin then he realized he liked hot food etc, the beans have protein at least! But it's all about the experience not the food . M n s chicken n broccoli crispbakes an breaded chicken now works too yay but better when hungry .

Keep trying gently and slowly and if they like it keep giving it! They have to learn to like "eating " it's a skill for life ! Walk away if you feel yourself getting frustrated or shouty , it's too important to sabotage . Good luck

Thank you all for reminding me I just need to remain patient. I am finding it really difficult, but the last thing I want her to have are food issues as she grows up, so I will really try to not let her know it stresses me out.

DH and I eat anything and everything and have never been fussy eaters, nor has her brother, so I don't think it is a genetic thing on her part, just a complete food fussiness that will hopefully reduce as she gets older.

In your shoes I wouldn't offer pudding. My attitude is very easy going and relaxed -

'this is whats on offer, its here if you want to eat. If you don't want to eat, that's fine as it will still be here later'

Our kids remain at the table till we are all finished as it's only polite to include everyone when we are chatting about our day.

Hi, i've been posting on the other resistant eater thread too. Some toddlers develop a fear of anything other than a very limited range of 'safe' food- often dry carbs. They are not being naughty and attempting to discipline them on this will fail. Paeds advise to give plenty of what they do eat, even if it is just toast,whilst offering some of the family's meal on a seperate plate for them to try. It can take years -but they do seem to eventually grow out of it.My DD is 3 and eats baked beans, toast, home made muffins (crammed with banana and carrot!) and croissants. She had a good varied diet up to about 20 months and is declined from there.My DS was an excellent eater so this has thrown me. I try to stay calm, cook with her and keep all pressure off. It is hard though. OP do let her have pudding - they need the calories at this age. There's a good link to expert advice on this on the other thread - will try and find it.

Thanks ConstantCraving, from what you and others say I do think it is more than just toddler fussiness :( Giving her what she does like with the option to try the new food sounds a lot more sensible. I think I just need to get out of the mindset that it is something I can easily change when it obviously isn't. Thanks again to all, will look out for that other thread.

My now 4 yr old was like this. He has over the past couple of years added new stuff to his repertoire. Fish fingers breaded chicken, salmon, chips, roasties. Before he would only eat pasta pesto and houmous sandwiches! He has added stuff gradually usually when we are not looking. Now we generally find he will eat some component of the meal (pasta with just cheese if he doesnt like the sauce , just potatoes, just fish etc). We keep stuff separate so he can just have what he wants. And if we know he will really HATE what we are having (usually stew or stuff with rice ) then we say he has to try what ends up being usually the tiniest bit you have ever seen and then we let him have toast! Not sure staying relaxed over it stops them being fussy (he is still soooo fussy) but it helps sanity of all involved.

Yes absolutely you have to stop expecting them to suddenly get over it and accept it will be a long process in my experience!

Clarkykitten, I could have written your post almost word for word about my DD - they even seem to eat the same foods! Her diet causes me a great deal of stress and I know people advise to relax about it, but when you have a child who only eats 3 meals, it's very difficult.

My problem is that I can't see her accepting new foods as she quite simply refuses to try anything new and some foods are now dropping off the list of foods she will eat. We have tried all sorts of approaches, encouraging, ignoring, offering desert etc. We now put one thing on her plate every evening that we are trying to get her to eat and if she has one bite, she doesn't need to eat anymore and can have a yogurt or whatever after. But she is very strong willed and quite happily get down having eaten nothing.

Last night we tried homemade chicken nuggets. She helped me make them but then refused to even have a bite. Hysterical at them being even being on her plate....sigh. Tonight she is going to have one 'smily face' alongside her fish fingers and sweetcorn and we will see how that goes.

No advice, just to say I totally understand your situation.

Do you give her pasta with hidden veg. sauce every night? My DD would eat that daily also, but I just wonder if I do that and relax about her eating, how on earth she will ever eat anything else?

Hi Lifeonthecanel :)

Yes, from what you are saying our DDs sound exactly the same! The main evening meal I know she will guarantee to eat is pasta with hidden veg sauce. But I also have to cater for myself, DH and DS, so, although we have it regularly, I don't make it for her every night. Tonight, for example, was left over night, so while we all had spag bol, she just had plain pasta with no sauce. I guess if I was organised I would have made the hidden veg sauce for her but I haven't had the chance today. Usually I try to give the kids a meal where I know she will hopefully eat at least one part of it e.g fish fingers, beans, roast pots/ homemade chips - she will just have the fish fingers. The other day I actually got her to eat some rice by calling it 'pasta rice' and putting her usual hidden veg sauce mixed in... She ate some of that (but refused the sausages that went with it). As such, I thought I would do that again and maybe mix some red lentils in with the rice for a bit of protein... Hopefully that will work.

After writing this thread, DH and I have decided to reeeaaallly try our hardest to ignore and not stress. We are going to give her what we know she will eat (even if it is just bread and butter) and then will be using a reward chart which she will move a point up if she tries what we are having. I don't want to worry and stress anymore, it is really affecting me and I know I need to chill out about it. Just going to take it one step at a time (made some carrot cake muffins with hidden apple and pineapple in today - she loved helping me make them but didn't want to try them) but I gave her loads of praise for making delicious muffins.

Best of luck to you with your DD, let me know if you have a breakthrough!

Clarky that is exactly what we do make sure he will eat one component and praise him if he tries something new. If it happens to be something he won't eat anything of if he tries it he gets some toast otherwise he just gets fruit and yoghurt

I'm in the same boat and totally understand where you are coming from. I am at my wits end with my DD's eating. I too have a 5 year old DS who eats mostly anything and is a really good about trying new things. My DD will only really eat pasta, bread and butter and houmous happily, anything else is a massive struggle and she won't eat any fruit or veg at all, so I have to hide the veg as you do in a sauce. She is very stubborn and just totally refuses to try ANYTHING! I have tried everything and anything to make her eat and nothing has worked. I agree that it's not good to let it get into a battle but in reality how on earth can you not let the battles happen? I get so stressed by her lack of eating that it's just impossible night after night to pretend that i'm chilled and it's fine that yet again she has refused everything. I don't agree with the only giving her want she wants either as I tried that with her and she then started limiting what she ate more and more until it was just ridiculous.

It's not a phase as she has been doing it for a couple of years and she has now got to the point where is by some miracle I get her to take a bite of apple, she gags on it and spits it out... Peer pressure doesn't seem to work either as she will happily sit at nursery at snack time and eat nothing while all the other kids eat their fruit. I find it so stressful...

I really don't know what to do next, so if you have tips or breakthrough please let me know too!!

Hi Clarky looks like you've had lots of useful advice since I posted.

As I'm happier with a more relaxed approach I treaty super fussy DD the same as my older DC so having had dinner (or not as the case may be) if she's hungry before bed I will give her a piece of toast or something equally boring as I think it can be really hard to go to sleep if you're hungry but it shouldn't be anything treat like.

As far as pudding goes I think it's just part of the meal (usually yoghurt, fruit based etc) so that's eaten if its wanted, don't want to get into the habit of stopping her eating something and giving her mixed messages

I do think that we can be perfectly healthy on a far more restricted diet than is considered acceptable and although your DD has lots of foods she doesn't eat, what she does eat is quite varied. I sometimes find it helps to reverse things and give my DD pudding ie yoghurt first. My oldest did this too, it takes the edge off their hunger and allows them to be more relaxed about trying things or just happily sitting their with everyone else.

Good luck, it's not easy and it's not quick but the more you can step back and reduce the tensions associated with food and mealtimes, the more likely it is that things will change for the better.

Lifeonthecanal we did a MEND (healthy living) course at our local children's centre and they showed us the exposure method: with a new food, they encourage kids to look at it, touch it, smell it, lick it, kiss it and finally bite it, at each step describing how it looks, feels, etc. Even if they immediately spit it out (or don't even get beyond the looking stage) then the idea is that it's a step closer than just rejecting it automatically. 4 yo DD loved this on the course (though has deteriorated since ).

(Pasta with veg sounds like quite a good meal to me, though my DD currently eats NO VEG WHATSOEVER so I'm a bit - sorry OP, probably not helpful )