Am I a bad parent because I cannot control my 2 year old?

[EvanMom]

I have just found out that my family (next generation up, especially my own mother) think that I am a poor parent as my 22 month old son is boisterous, does not understand no and can be very, very naughty. They believe that I should smack him which is something I have never done as I feel that hitting will only reinforce his bad behaviour - he lashes out at other children and pushes them around. He is also a really stocky, strong little boy and we could end up in a tussle/fight or, worse, my hitting may have no effect and I might have to hit him harder - where would it stop?). My family also think that he will turn out bad because I have not smacked him and 'got him under control' at this early age (like they did with their own children, who apparently were made to understood the word no at this age).

I am almost convinced that my techniques are right and believe me, sometimes I do feel like smacking him rather than putting him in his room or using some other form of timeout. I sometimes start to lose my nerve though, especially when under the scrutiny of my 'perfect parent' family. Your thoughts would be appreciated :

Do you believe smacking him would really 'get him under control'?
My relationship with my mother has hit rock bottom since I have had children of my own, because of just this sort of thing. Anyone else had the same problem?
Having an almost uncontrollable child doesn't make me a poor parent, does it?

You sound like a great mum, you really do.

I need to think about how NO doesn't go down well, myself. Dd1 - a month off three - can't half strop sometimes about such issues as getting dressed in the mornings!

EvanMom, like others have said, don't smack him. You sound like you're doing fine with him to me. One's parents really don't like their own harsher techniques put under the spotlight and rejected, do they. My becoming a mother has most emphatically not made me closer to my own. I remember verbal harshness much more than physical punishment but I don't ever want my children scared of me like I was of her at times. Good luck and stick to your guns.

I have smacked DS but doesn't really work because I'm not prepared to smack him hard enough to have any impact other than making him laugh. Sitting on the step/bed is a much more effective punishment IME. Also try positive reinforcement with star stickers (ie onto jumper not chart at this age!).

Definitely things will change as he gets older and improved communication skills.

Just wanted to reiterate what others have said; you're doing fine and there's no need to smack. I think people of a certain age still think children should be unquestioningly, immediately obedient to commands. Personally, I like the fact that DD says "you're making me very cross" and points her finger, but I think others see it as her being a brat. similarly, I have no desire to "control" my child, I want to help her learn to control herself IYSWIM.

Was your mum a f/t mum? I've realised that I can't question my own mother's child-rearing techniques (and they're pretty diabolical) because if her image of herself as a "perfect mother" is questioned, she's left with nothing else.

Thanks again for all your advice.
Marialuisa - what an incredibly helpful thing to say. Yes, my mother was a full time Mum. Two of my siblings have turned out in life to have real problems. If any of my mother's parenting techniques are called into question there is not only the issue of what does she have left from many years hard work of being the 'perfect mother', but also could any blame be laid at her door for the way her children have turned out?
Makes me think twice about the way she behaves (but it still doesn't make her right, though)

Evansmum 2 year olds are naughty. My 2 year old is a nightmare and I remember at 22 months he was particually difficult! Take no notice of what other people say to you.

Marialuisa, I think that's a really good point you are making with f/t-mums. I also think there was much more "competition" between mums in the old days over who best "managed" their child. I always used to think that my MIL had so much more support as f/t mum as she knew so many more mothers and had a much closer network than I did. I have since realised that her network of mums were really competetive and still are now they are grandparents.I don't think they shared worries and negative feelings like we do in our generation. I think they also pretended to eachother that their child slept through the night, was out of nappies at an early age etc etc. Perhaps they told these little fibs so many times that decaded later it has become "the truth"?

FairyMum - I agree. My mother has told me on many an occasion that all her children were out of nappies by the age of one. At 22 months my son seems rather backward on that front (not!)
Also, I have opted to become a f/t mum for a while - I have a real handful of 2 children 15 months apart. I hope I do not look back on this time in years to come, fiercely defensive over my own parenting techniques. No doubt things will be different then and what we are all doing now will be wrong! Perhaps a good reason not to opt for full-time motherhood?

EvanMom - this kind of thing seems very common with mums and MILs. Mine are always telling me and my DH that our two daughters (2.10) are much more "challenging" than we ever were! According to them we were both very quiet, placid children who did as we were told! That can't possibly be true all of the time but it does put a lot of pressure on us and makes us think maybe we are doing something wrong so I do sympathise with you!

Christmas was a prime example - every time the girls got even slightly boisterous or said "no" to us, MIL or Mum would raise an eyebrow and say "oooh you were never like that!".

Two year olds are often quite hideous and I'm looking forward to them getting easier! Although a colleague of mine said recently "The terrible twos were a piece of cake, it's the f....ing fours you need to worry about"!!

Yes - buy the social toddler - it is excellent. I think you can get it from Amazon or from cpshopping.co.uk/. Its full of photo frames of real parent sand their toddlers and tries to get oyu to see life from a toddler's point of view. It has lots of good advice. Even if you don't have a want it for its disapline advice it has some much other intersting developmental stuff. ITS BRILL!!!

Posting this at work - naughty, naughty - but after "official" work hours anyway so ... haven't had time to read the thread completely but just want to reiterate what the others have said. Just the mere fact that you care enough to post here and want to do the right thing for your son suggests that you are not a bad mother, IMO it is always the mums who think they have it all under control and are rearing wonderful children who have the biggest monsters!

I have also suffered huge amounts of guilt, anxiety, anger etc because my in-laws make me feel very like you - that I am not controlling my 2 ds's properly, that I "pander" to them rather than smacking them and on and on. However, I have realised that life is too short to spend with people who are so disapproving so dh and I have made a conscious decision not to spend much time over there even though they only live 10 mins away (not just related to this issue but also other stuff like their incessant smoking around ds) In the end of the day it's their loss, the boys still see "enough" of their grandparents but the in-laws, who have very boring lives, miss out on so much enjoyment which they could be getting from their grandchildren.

Bl**dy families hey! Can't choose them!

I nearly got into an argument with a couple of old dears yesterday in Tesco. A lady was pushing her son around in a trolley, and he was having a MAJOR tantrum. She was just ignoring him. Admittedly, the noise was intrusive, but hey, it happens to us all. This old couple looked at each other, and the woman said, 'Ooh, how awful, and he's kicking her'. The husband said something along the lines of that the mother should kick her son back to stop him. I glared at them both, and the woman made some comment to me. I told her that they all do it (tamtrums), to which she replied, 'Do they?' I then asked her if she had never had children. She looked offended, and said that, yes, she had, but they never did that. Children in her day were smacked, otherwise they became the 'boss'. I said, 'Violence is never the answer', and told her that people in our day are encouraged not to smack, as it does no good. I said that the mother was doing the best thing by ignoring the behaviour. It made me so cross.

Anyway EvanMom, I think that you are right, and your family are wrong. It is embarrassing when our children push others. Mine has done it, and it makes you want the ground to open up! I try to give the other child all the attention, and tell ds NOT to do what he did. I think it is a phase though, as he doesn't tend to do it any more, not that it was really a problem at the time, only occasional. He is now 30 months, and is getting better to deal with every day.

Message withdrawn

Thank you for all your comments.
My son is always trying to hit his baby brother (hard). How can I help him learn that it is wrong to hit, by hitting him myself?
I said in my original post that I was almost convinced that I am doing the right thing. There is no 'almost' about it any more. I have got over my family's problem with me (for now) and intend to stick to my guns. I truly believe it is THEIR problem - perhaps they feel that if I don't hit my children, then I am indirectly letting them know that I think they were wrong to hit theirs. I actually hadn't thought about it that deeply. I am just doing what I think is best.
Your comments have helped reinforce that for me. Ta.

Sorry if I'm going over old ground here as I haven't read all the posts. My very naughty 2 year old is now nearly 9 years old and still very lively but now a lovely boy.

I would recommend you cut out the artificial sweetener Aspartame (it's added to lots of low sweet things especially drinks like Robinsons squash). Cut out Smarties and all coloured sweets. Aspartame is in most diet drinks.

Is it possible that he is also tired, he should be snuggled up by 7pm-ish and still napping in the afternoon. My little boy was very badly behaved when he was tired.

When he does something you don't want him to do, get his FULL attention and say NO. If he persists remove him from the situation and the room and sit him on the stairs. If he comes back, take him back again and again until he understands that if he can't behave he can't continue to play.

Like someone else says he is seeing how far he can push you. You have to carry out any threats you make so make sure they are realistic ie don't say we won't go to so and so's party if you know full well you will end up going.

I went on a course called Positive Parenting, your HV might be able to tell you about one locally. They are Christian related but they don't mention that until the last week and you are given the option not to attend that if you are not interested.

Positive Parenting is about praising good behaviour and trying if possible to ignore the bad. When you little boy is being good, get his full attention and tell him so. Apparently children crave attention whether it's good or bad.

I hope this is some help to you and hope it doesn't sound patronising, it isn't meant to.

SecondhandRose - not patronising, just helpful, thanks.
He REFUSES to nap any more - screams the house down and thus by 4:00pm he is really cranky and especially badly behaved. I am almost always at my wits end, tearing my hair out and clock-watching by 5:00pm. I am sure a nap would help, but what if they are still screaming after 20 mins of putting them down?

EvanMom, I had exactly the same thing with mother in law every time I've seen her with my daughter who's 15 months. My partner's sister has 2 kids and she (and mother in law) shout at them ALL the time. It drives me nuts to hear these constant literally ear splitting yells of 'NO!!!' every time they attempt to touch anything or move anywhere they 'shouldn't' and many comments have been made about me 'never telling off' my daughter. Well, I don't tell her off because I don't think she's naughty. Not yet. She does the 'wrong' things sometimes but it's just lack of common sense / over-enthusiasm etc.

I was brought up with an iron rod, my mom clouted me so hard once that I fractured my skull against the kitchen sink. She didn't believe I was hurt until it was obvious I had concussion and had to go to hospital. She never apologised and no-one suspected it was her. Strangely, now, she's as gentle as anything with my daughter and never shouts at her. But I tell you what, I would NEVER leave my daughter alone with her. Hitting and violence from a parent goes deep.

EvanMum how about you stay in the room with him until he falls asleep but ONLY if he lies down and is quiet. If he screams and shouts you leave the room. I am sure that he will very quickly come round to your way of thinking and go to sleep as he feels secure you are with him. Obviously leave the door open and you can sneak off when he falls asleep.

You need to persevere with a sleep just for an hour after lunch as you are sounding frazzled. When he drops off to sleep, sit down and have a drink and a rest yourself don't use the time to run around doing jobs.

I know this may sound harsh but it really sounds like your young man has you wrapped round his little finger.