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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I a bad parent because I cannot control my 2 year old?

43 replies

EvanMom · 13/01/2004 09:57

I have just found out that my family (next generation up, especially my own mother) think that I am a poor parent as my 22 month old son is boisterous, does not understand no and can be very, very naughty. They believe that I should smack him which is something I have never done as I feel that hitting will only reinforce his bad behaviour - he lashes out at other children and pushes them around. He is also a really stocky, strong little boy and we could end up in a tussle/fight or, worse, my hitting may have no effect and I might have to hit him harder - where would it stop?). My family also think that he will turn out bad because I have not smacked him and 'got him under control' at this early age (like they did with their own children, who apparently were made to understood the word no at this age).

I am almost convinced that my techniques are right and believe me, sometimes I do feel like smacking him rather than putting him in his room or using some other form of timeout. I sometimes start to lose my nerve though, especially when under the scrutiny of my 'perfect parent' family. Your thoughts would be appreciated :

Do you believe smacking him would really 'get him under control'?
My relationship with my mother has hit rock bottom since I have had children of my own, because of just this sort of thing. Anyone else had the same problem?
Having an almost uncontrollable child doesn't make me a poor parent, does it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

salt · 13/01/2004 10:07

Do you carry out your threats, for example, if you say "mummy will take that away if you don't do x" do you actually do it?

Original poster

EvanMom · 13/01/2004 10:09

Salt, always. Doesn't work though.

OP posts:

WSM · 13/01/2004 10:09

I don't think that smacking him would be the answer at this age.

I would agree with your family if you were taking no steps to discipline him, but it seems from your post that you are. Unfortunately when you have a boisterous child, EVERYBODY seems to have an opinion on what should be done to bring him/her under control.

I suspect that you son is going through a phase and it will most likely fizzle out as he gets a little older. I think it is common for toddlers to become more physical as a way of dealing with their frustrations at not being able to do certain things (a sort of baby/toddler transition period). Keep telling him that he doing wrong and why (obviously in a way that he is likely to understand) and ride it out.

HTH
WSM
xxx

WSM · 13/01/2004 10:10

what he IS doing wrong, sorry

Angeliz · 13/01/2004 10:12

EvanMom, i don't have time to post alot but just wanted to say, my sister smacks her 2 year old and he is just as naughty and scratches/hits her too!
I heard this too from my parents, (though not much as they know my views), "just give her a little smack", things like that. My dd went through a naughty , quite violent stage at 2 and a bit and she is great now and i never smacked her! Just wanted to say stick to your guns, i'm sure you are a good mum+++++++++++

colette · 13/01/2004 10:22

Do not let them undermine your confidence in yourself. You know him better than anyone, I remember putting dd in her cot a lot when she got out of control at that age which helped me as well as her , it does pass honestly. Good luck

lazyeye · 13/01/2004 10:24

Evan Mom - you could be me!!! I'm in exactly the same situation. I have many runs in with mother re this - I was hit regularly as a child & I know she thinks my 3yr old is running rings round me. Smacking did me no harm probs, but I don't respect my mother for it, so am really trying not to hit mine.

If you are a bad mother pet, I think there are lots out there, me included. Bring up your kids your way. I am staying out of my mothers way a bit more this year because of these very reasons.

jmg · 13/01/2004 10:26

No don't smack him, smack them instead (hard) and see how they like it. See if it cures their bad behaviour!!!

Blu · 13/01/2004 10:34

Evanmom, you know you are right, don't you? IMO and IME, the word 'no' isn't even the best way to 'control' toddlers, as it fuels their (quite natural, normal) boundary testing - which is how they learn EVERYTHING from walking to climbing to what is too hot to eat, at this stage. Distraction, positive affirmation of 'good' behaviour and a good example set by you, and in which you do things together, will be FAR more effective. ( I also think it is fairly normal to feel like clouting them!)

I actually feel that it is even MORE important (if such a thing is possible) not to get into a physical battle with well-built children. Because they ARE heavier and stronger than smaller kids it is even more important that they don't come to lear that might is right, IYSWIM.

lazyeye · 13/01/2004 10:37

I could go on and on about this....so feel free to e-mail me if you want. I have a group of friends with similar aged kids and some have the same problems. Things always seem worse when you are with them because you know they are waiting for you to get the situation under control and they want you to smack him. My mother has told me more than once that "I am making a rod for my own back", hummmmm her parenting has left me very shy and my sister a bit of a control freak, and completely scared of any sort of change or risk..........well, in my opinion. You have to do it your way, don't feel pressurised into smacking.

I read somewhere lately that around this age - 3- they start to rememember things and may even use your methods in future parenting. Do you want your physical punishment passed down to your grandkids..........it made me think anyway.

aloha · 13/01/2004 10:38

No, no, no! Please don't smack him! Your family don't sound like they are very nice to children. You sound great. I simply don't think they have any understanding of child development of the nature of tiny children or of positive parenting. They simply don't understand children. I'd say if you want your child to turn out to be as close to their mother as you are to yours, then do it their way, if you know what I mean.
I don't like the word naughty much - I think babies are boisterous, do what they want to do and like to be noisy and have fun and are endlessly curious, but I just don't much like labels. I bet your son is lovely. And not understanding 'no' is Ok with me too. We waste far too much of our energy into this 'no' business imo when distraction works far, far better. My son is extremely gentle, confident and affectionate and has never been smacked and I try not to shout (though of course, I do fail sometimes).
You are right and they are wrong and if you are a poor parent then I'm a terrible one, and do you know what, I don't think I am

aloha · 13/01/2004 10:39

FairyMum · 13/01/2004 10:55

Of course your family didn't have their 2 year-olds under control either. They just don't remember what it was like or they have re-written history IME 22 months is a difficult time. My DS was at the height of his "Terrible Two's" at this age and some days just seemed like one loooong tantrum. He also bit and pushed other kids in his nursery and at home. We went through at least 6 months where we didn't even invite other children home because he would just get so possessive about his toys that hell would break loose if anyone as much as looked at his little tractor......This stage does pass though, and I don't think it passes any quicker if you smack them. My DS is now 28 months and although I wouldn't say that WE have got him "under control", I think he has got his own feelings much more under control. His communications skills is also much better, so he can easier express himself and get himself understood without getting too frustrated.....

I always thought that your relationship with your own parents improve once you have your own children.To a certain extent I guess it does. You understand more of what it is like to be a parent and what they went through with you. In my case, though, my relationship with my parents (especially my mum) deteriorated. My parents actually think I am too much of an authorative disciplinarian with my children and totally disapprove of how I bring them up. My mum interferes with my parenting style all the time and even tell me off in front of the kids.I am absolutely no disciplinarian, but was brought up without any boundaries and limits myself. I have turned out well enough I think, but I like my children to have more boundaries. My parents don't understand that at all....Won't go on, but just wanted to agree with you that your relationship with your mum can sometimes get quite bad if you don't do things the same way, and they express their disapprovement......

marthamoo · 13/01/2004 11:35

EvanMom, no, no, no, no no...you are not a bad parent!!! Well, if you are, I am too Don't smack because someone else thinks you should (I am really hoping this won't turn into a pro/anti smacking debate 'cos you don't need it!)..parent your child the way you see fit. Two year olds are incredibly hard work - they are testing their boundaries and can push you to the limit.

I think I have been a pretty consistent parent but my two boys have been polar opposites as toddlers. I'm afraid I was a bit of a smug Mum with ds1, because he was a dream toddler: reasonable, pretty much tantrum-free, never bit, hit or fought (with hindsight he was a bit weird ) Ds2 is a nightmare: he bites, he hits, he can tantrum for England. He's also lively and inquisitive and full of energy and fun. I didn't smack ds1 and I'm not going to smack ds2. I really do think it's a case of being consistent, no matter how tired and frustrated you are, and riding it out. With hitting other children for example - keep at what you're doing: time out, a firm "no", if you are out somewhere strap him in his pushchair or car seat..he has to know what he has done is not acceptable and you have to follow it through every time. It passes - before you know it he'll be starting school.

Aloha usually recommends a book called The Social Toddler - I would second that, I bought it on her recommendation and it's excellent. And Toddler Taming by Christopher Green is good too - if only for his charts of typical two year old behaviour (98% of toddlers are obnoxious little sods who won't do what they're told and don't understand no I made that one up!)

A two year old is somewhere between a baby and a child - they are just finding their place in the world, and they need consistent help to do that. Try and enjoy the good bits and don't take the bad bits too much to heart.

GeorginaA · 13/01/2004 11:36

No - don't smack him! (It seems to backfire so much at this age - they just slap back... at least mine does!)

Can I recommend a really good book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish? It's not just about toddlers, but I've found their techniques so useful in dealing with my ds and hopefully I'm laying down a good relationship for later too.

I think as well, at this age, there's an awful lot that you just need to be more relaxed about and write off as "normal" toddler behaviour and make allowances (e.g. when ds is really getting arsey, sometimes just doing lots of energetic activities to burn off some energy does seem to make a lot of difference to behaviour)

Original poster

EvanMom · 13/01/2004 11:39

Thanks for all your support
Oh JMG you make me laugh, thanks
Lazyeye - like you I have decided to stay away as much as possible from my critics which is a shame I think, as it deprives my kids of family members - they only have one grandparent as it is.
BTW my earliest childhood memory is of being sent upstairs to my room to wait (sometimes a long time) for my father to come upstairs and smack me on the bottom, hard when I had done something naughty. Positive parenting? I think not. Was I scared? Hell, yes. Hence my reluctance to smack. I think my mother sees my reluctance to smack as a slight on her and the way they disciplined us. Well, I suppose it is.

OP posts:

Gumdrop · 13/01/2004 11:42

Of course, you're not a poor parent. you are just the parent of a toddler.

I suspect that looking back twenty years or so gives everything a rather rosy tinge. Sometimes I struggle to remember what dds' terrrible twos were really like, and in one case, that's only a couple of years ago. Perhaps its just human nature to filter out the minor irritating incidents from our past.

My reading of toddler taming et al was that a lot of acting up was attention seeking, and that this could be negative attention seeking, e.g. your mum perhaps rolling her eyes, sighing etc, etc. So your family may be unintentionally perpetuating the behaviour they condemn! It might be worth saying to them that someone you know, no need to say via Internet, who had had the same problem had recommended "Toddler Taming" for example, that you are trying to follow the recomendations in it, and would they like to have a read through it?

I don't think smacking him will teach him anything other than its OK for bigger people to hit smaller ones - but I'm a wet leftie, and I haven't always followed my own advice, so I'm an inperfect wet leftie at that.

Good luck

Original poster

EvanMom · 13/01/2004 11:53

Gumdrop - I actually tried quoting Toddler Taming and stats about bad behaviour and tantrums (which my mother's three never, ever had, apparently) to try and get across to her that her grandson is largely normal. To my dismay she got up and walked out of the room mid sentence - she didn't want to hear it. I later discovered that her views are that the "books are all rubbish and 'no' means 'no' and can be made to mean 'no'"

OP posts:

lazyeye · 13/01/2004 11:55

EvanMom - are you sure your mum isn't moonlighting as my Mum?

Original poster

EvanMom · 13/01/2004 11:56

lazyeye - are you my sister?

OP posts:

Blu · 13/01/2004 11:59

EvanMom, re spending time with your Mother: could you be sure that she wouldn't take it upon herself and smack him if you weren't there? Sounds so hard to be diluting your relationship with her, but if she won't respect your parenting, I think you have little choice.

jmg · 13/01/2004 12:03

Oh evansmum your childhood memory was really sad! You are right - what mother would want that to be their childs lingering memory of childhood

I have to admit to being quite curt with my family if the subject of discipline is brought up. My fairly consistent line is 'well you had your opportunity to get it all wrong - now its my turn' that soon shuts them up.

Why can't they just enjoy their grandchildren without feeling the need to be so damned interfering!

sis · 13/01/2004 12:04

Hang on, your mum says you need to get your 22 month old son to understand 'no' and to be 'well-behaved' at all times and yet with all her years of practice (being well behaved) - she walks out when someone is talking to her because she doesn't agree?!! I think you seem to be dealing very well with discipline issues with your son and should not use smacking as you are clearly not happy with the idea.

aloha · 13/01/2004 12:11

Evansmum, I think it's really sad that's your earliest childhood memory. You don't really need us to tell you that that was wrong and that your son will have far happier childhood memories.

lazyeye · 13/01/2004 12:15

Yeah, the thing that has stopped me hitting mine (must admit to the very occassional hand slap) is the memories,not just of the hits and smacks and full blown beatings sometimes, but the sheer anger and hatered that seemed to go with them. My mother seemed full of rage. I'm trying not to do this as well. It was very scary, and to be honest I'm still scared of her.

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