My 12 year olds bad behaviour

[lynnh28]

I feel like im constantly at war with my 12 year old! His attitude & the way he talks to me is disgusting! for example yesterday I was walking with him & my 2 younger kids 2 my friends house who takes them 2 school when I'm at work. On the way there he through tantrum because I told him he couldn't wear his trainers 4 school & in the end I had 2 let him have his own way because I had to leave the house. All the while we was walking he kept saying things like 'you dont care about me', 'you wouldn't care if i got kidnapped'! he wouldn't even go into my friends house & i had 2 drag him in there with the help of my friend. When I went into work all I did was cry! We had a talk last night & I told him that I need him 2 respect me & stop this behaviour & if he didn't then I was going to get the school involved. Then today at 8.45pm I told him it was bed time & he turned round & said he wasn't going to bed, he wanted 2 wait up 4 his dad 2 get back from work. I told him he couldn't because his dad wouldn't be home until 11pm & that was 2 late 4 him 2 stay up on a school night. He still refused 2 go 2 bed & I had 2 drag him up the stairs. He then stayed at the top of the stairs & was banging his feet on the floor. He then came back down stairs 4 a drink and I heard him in the kitchen crying,I went into him 2 ask what was wrong & he said he keeps hallucinating! I dont for one minute believe this as we were watching a program where a man was doing the same thing.

imatmywitsend

OK...so where are the sanctions for his poor behaviour would be my question? I'm a secondary teacher (plus mother of 5) and as far as I can see from your post your response to his poor behaviour yesterday morning was to talk to him last night and tell him he needed to respect you. I'm not quite sure what you think his school will do about the fact that he whinges and refuses to do what he is told at home. You don't appear to have done anything about the arguing, feet banging, claims of hallucinating tonight either.

If children behave badly, and get away with no sanction at all, then there is no reason for them to do as they are told. Appealing to them to 'behave nicely' very rarely works. What you need to do is to be firm, consistant and make it clear that poor behaviour will have unpleasant consequences - to the point where it is not worth doing it again.

With the trainer issue I would have said firmly, 'You cannot wear trainers to school because it is against the rules. Go and put your shoes on now as I have to be out of the house in three minutes. Thank you'. I would have then walked out of the door. If he'd appeared in the trainers I would have told him, 'As you have refused to do as you are told there will be no XBox (insert own punishment) tonight. In addition I shall phone the school and tell them I am quite happy for you to be given a lunchtime detention, or whatever sanction they see fit, because of your failure to wear the correct footwear. We need to go now'.

Any whining, answering back, etc needs to be met with a 'Do not speak to me in that tone of voice. I am not prepared to put up with it. If you do it again you will be missing football practice/swimming/TV for the night, whatever will be most unpleasant.

You need to be consistant and pull him up EVERY single time he speaks to you with a lack of respect, EVERY time he refuses to do something, EVERY time he argues back. It is hard work, but will pay off. But the consequences for poor behaviour have to be such that he realises that it is not worth carrying on like this. Because otherwise in the next couple of years or so he is going to be WAY out of your control. And that is not a happy thing for any of you.

i forgot 2 say that while we was walking yesterday i completely ignored his behaviour until we got 2 my friends house, I have found that if he starts saying silly things ignoring it is the only way he will stop. i feel like if i dont give him attention when he does this he will give up, most times it does work. i did speak to him before work yesterday & explained that i was NOT going to respond to the behaviour. the problem with the trainers is more tricky because he went to the school office on his own accord & got a letter saying he could wear plain black trainers & the reason his wont wear his boots is because he says they rub him, iv told him that due to them being new he needs 2 wear them in & he's only wore them about 4 times! i have spoken to his form tutor before & he says that my son has no problems at school & it seems he is only like this at home, im not one of these moms who let my kids get there own way. i have rules & i expect my kids 2 abide by them. if i remove a 'xbox' for example due to bad behaviour he only turns round & says 'i ay bothered'. i still remove it though but the behaviour still continues a few days later. he has only been like this for the pasyt 4 months or so. his nan is ill with cancer though & he has told us he is worried about her & i said i could speak 2 the school & see if he can talk to someone about it but all he said was he would walk out. Everything i seem 2 try only works for a very short period & then we are back 2 square 1!

Ok....but I gave you advice and you turned round and argued with me about it. I would assume if the form tutor tells you your son has no problems at school that it is because they have effective discipline there - whereas you are complaining that you are at your wits end at home because you just ignore the behaviour, rather than dealing with it. It really isn't much use asking for help then turning round and saying 'i have rules and i expect my kids 2 abide by them'. Clearly your DS is not doing. The problems appear to be at home, rather than school, so if he doesn't want you to mention his nan's illness at school there doesn't seem to be much to be gained by going against his wishes.

(( Hugs))
I think you are experiencing the joys of raging hormones starting .They seem to know the times when it will cause the most affect like when you are on a time schedule for getting to work and at the end of the day. It may help to ask the school pupil support to speak to him about his nan etc as he probulary won't walk out.
As for the school shoes, I wouldn't let it become an issue, accept that they might rub and suggest he wears them with thick socks around the house to soften them up and wear the trainers in the meantime. If there is no issue with the shoes and wearing the trainers doesn't wind you up he will soon become bored.

Stay strong x

maybe im not explaining it right & im not being funny my 12 year old is my eldest, this is the 1st time im having 2 deal with this & im not perfect. my kids do not get their own way, if i say no it means no. my other 2 children are not like this & if they dont talk 2 me properly i do correct them. i have had compliments about my kids, they are always polite when with others. im not saying i ignore the behaviour, i ignore the comments & then explain to him once he has calmed down that it is not acceptable behaviour. he is not always like this & is great when he is behaving. its not just those incidents either, sometimes i can ask him 2 do something & he will just flip & shout at me & have only asked him & not shouted at him. im hoping that its just his hormones & he'll start behaving better

OK...but I still think you need to have some sort of punishment for the behaviour rather than just explaining that it is not acceptable. Hoping he'll start behaving better seems a bit optimistic to me. Good luck, anyway.

@justcrazy
i have suggested he put thick soaks on & even put plaster on his foot wear it rubs but he won't!
we are by no means a 'perfect family', me and my husband both work & mornings are hectic but when he leaves it til the last minute 2 put his boots on there isnt much i can do at the time because i need to leave the house as we have a half hour walk 2 get to my friends house, hubby has already left by that point aswell so didn't have his support either. did ask him if he would like to speak 2 his dad on the phone 2 nite but he said no!

sounds like typical teenage boys behavior to me, just sounds like he is pushing boundries to the max, i dont have a 12year old personally but i have 3 brothers who all acted exactly the same. just stick to your guns and ignore the daft behavior, ground him for bad behavior send him to his room when he shouts at you. when he says he isnt bothered when you take his things he is bluffing i used to say it when my dad took my things you sound like a good mum so im sure he will grow out of it, kids eh who'd have em

How much time does he get to spend with his Dad? As much as I agree that there needs to be punishments for his bad behaviour I'm wondering:

1. Has his change in attitude coincided with his nan being ill? If so, he could be transferring fear to anger and lashing out at eh closest person (you).

1. Does he need to be spending more time with is Dad? Boys often benefit from a strong male role-model, especially as puberty hits! watching how his father treats you and having the male to male feedback is how many of them learn how to be men.

@Andro, he does spend a lot of time with his dad, all 3 of my kids do but sometimes hubby doesn't finish work til late but this only happens on rare occasions. My hubby was out of work until december so was always at home. I think u may be right about transferring his fear about his nan. We do explain things to him & have told him he can always ask us questions, we are there for him & we know it's hard, as it is for all the family seeing the deterioration of her health.

You seem to be doing everything you can to support your son during a time that is also emotionally difficult and draining for you with your mums health. I am sure with all the love, understanding and support you are giving him that he will come through this phase.