I'm not helping shy DD by answering for her, am I?

[bluerememberedthrills]

DD, 7, is v quiet with adults outside the family. She had a haircut the other day and did not respond to any of the hairdresser's questions, so eventually I answered for her and I realised I've been doing that a lot.

But it seems overbearing. So how do I help her better?

I don't mind her being shy and quiet but I do want her to be able to be polite and to be able to speak up for herself when she needs to.

My daughter, 6.6 is the same and has been since about 4 - so you have my sympathy - she has always been quite self aware/ self conscious. She will speak very assertively with other children once she is used to them but barely to grown ups at all. I am waiting for a referral from a speech and language therapist so she can be assessed in school. So if it is also a problem in school, it might be worth talking to them about it. There is some stuff on here and lots on the internet about selective mutism and the various degrees of it. In the meantime, hard as it is, I think the advice is not to answer for them.

Thank you! I hadn't thought beyond basic shyness so I will speak to school and see if it is a problem there.

I was like this as a child- I was shy basically and having to speak to adults was toe-curlingly painful! Having a very chatty older sister (only one year older) was both help and hindrance. ..she spoke for both of us and she stood up for me, but I almost didn't need to bother to speak to others because I had her. The breakthrough came late at 17yrs old when she left for a gap year and I had to speak up for myself - I gained huge amounts of confidence then.... I guess if I were in your shoes I would be getting my dd to do gently challenging things which involved speaking up but in 'safe' environments so that she gains confidence over time. I fear that giving her a talking to wouldn't help- building confidence is key without forcing her into hideous activities like drama classes!!x

mewkins yes I think the key is to help her feel safe. My family can't believe she doesn't speak to other people as she's very chatty at home.

I suppose I worry about her being perceived as rude but people do understand that little children are often shy, don't they?

people do understand that little children are often shy, don't they?
yes.

Mine used to be like this ...except if someone asked about our dog, then they might be in for quite a lecture! So one thing to think about is if there's some subject your DD is very interested and knowledgeable about, if that comes up then hopefully she'll say something but if not do the 'oh, what was that you were telling me about... ' type of thing.

At school we'd tend to find that in an autumn term the teachers would say 'she's very quiet in class'...but by the summer term they had a different view entirely! You might find similar.

My DD is 8 and the same...I also used to answer for her to save the look on people's faces when she remained silent.

Now I try not to....I may give her a prompt...so if someone says "What did you get for christmas?" and she looks at the stoney then I might say "X...can't you remember?! What about that thing...you know...the thing you've always wanted!" and I do it in a jokey way....then she'll say "I got x"

Like your DD she's chatty with kids and family...but adults who she doesn't know get nothing.

She IS improving...I doubt she'll be like this in her teens. We've looked at assesment but her school decided that her progress has been good so they're not going to.

Thanks everyone.