Help me! My 14 month old has such terrible separation anxiety that I can't put her down, EVER!

[poppingin1]

It is ruining our time together as she is getting older. I love her to bits and want her around me all the time, but I just need her to let me wash plates, do laundry and vacuum the house a little. I cannot do a single one of these things and life is at a total standstill. DH works 12 hours a day so he can't help which makes it even more important that I can get domestic things done.

I have moved her cot bed downstairs to the living room today so she can have a safe and comfortable place to play. I put her in it with all her toys and left her to play. She cried so I took her out and gave her a cuddle. I put her back in it a little later and she started to cry again. This time I left her to cry and tried to get on with doing things around her. She can see me in the living room and kitchen fine but she wants me to hold her anyway.

She cried until she was hysterical (about 40 minutes), I was hoping she would calm down within that time but it wouldn't happen and I gave up. I picked her up to calm her down and comfort her but SHE WOULDN'T LET ME HOLD HER! It was very distressing. She was thrashing until I would put her on the floor and then started rolling around bumping her head and crying hysterically.

I tried picking her up but she crawled to the other side of the room and continued to cry. When I tried to pick her up again she thrashed and crawled under the tv unit so I couldn't and continued to cry.

I had to pull her out from under there and give her BM to calm her down. She fell asleep and is now in her cot bed crying in her sleep.

I have found this all so distressing and feel like I have hurt her.

Recently she has been so stuck to me that I have been short tempered and irritable with her. I wanted her to realise that she can play independently.

We have been together 24/7 since she was born and I attachment parent. But, all the women in my family do things this way and none of the babies in my family have been like this. It has been remarked by my close family members that my daughter is a lot harder to handle that any of the other babies in my family, even the most hyper or clingy.

I really am getting to my wits end and need some help and advice.

Ah bless you, it must be exhausting for you.
I only have limited experience on this but I too had a child like this. The bad news is I didn't really get any advice or have family near and it did take a while for him to grow out of it. However, now at 21 he is a lovely young man. Still close to me ( in fact the closest of all 3 dc) but not unhealthily iykwim.
I think it unfair of your family to compare your dd to other children, however well meaning. Your dd sounds lovely and she just wants her mum, I don't think theres anything wrong with that.
I am a sahm and tried to take ds1 to nursery for a few hours twice a week when he was 3. He was having none of it and never settled. Looking back, he wasn't ready simple as that. I'm sure your dd will be fine, even if she takes as long as my ds1 did. Whatever happens she will be settled at school age.
If you like the idea of nursery or even a family member taking dd for a while to give you a break, it could work with a bit of persistence. If like me you don't like that idea, you could have a few years of this yet.

morethan thank you.

Half of me feels that I have to teach her to be more independent because everything is at a standstill until that happens. The other half of me wants to hold her close every minute of the day until she says she doesn't need me anymore. Its become an issue of practicality.

The comments my family made were to reassure me that I was doing fine as I didn't understand why I was finding it so hard to organise other things in my life. I was comparing myself to other mothers and they were saying that it was because other baby's are not like my DD and not because I am inadequate in any way. They have all advised me to ride it out and not worry about it too much. They love my DD and definitely aren't saying it to portray her in any negative way, I think they were just trying to reassure me that I am doing a good job. They have told me that if that is what she needs, then I should just give it to her, but it is honestly a 24 hour job to do that.

I'm thinking of getting a part time job just so I can pay nursery fees and get her used to being in an environment without me.

I used to carry my DD around in a sling (one that goes on your back as well as front) when she was like this.

Independence comes from dependence

AP style of parentig isnt easy, why not find a like minded group of people to socialise with such as via a sling meet? I have always got a sling to hand and its saved my bacon on many occasions. Even now two year old dd will have off days when she wants constant attention so I put her on my back. She wants to see what im doing and be near me and I need to cook or clean.

This too shall pass

Wish I'd slung ds more! i always ended up carrying him and it knackered my back after a while....friend has an ergo (?) and seems to really help with this phase.....see if you can borrow one....

Hello again OP,

I have remembered some of the things that used to help which I'm sure you do anyway. Took me a while to remember as I'm an old bird now, lol.

Took him into different rooms with me, gradually leaving him in next room. Played music alot whilst doing housework. Did all housework at once if poss then all free time spent with ds. We didn't do mother and baby or toddler clubs as not available in the stix, but would have done if possible. Stupid suggestion but did work, explained to him in adult (not baby talk) what I was doing. Now I'm going to vacuum, peel potatoes etc. God my life was thrilling, lol. If I think of anything else will pm you, as I can really sympathise with you.

I invested in a Beco and always carry her when she wants it but gave up on doing this at home. She would fight with me about being in it on my back.

When we are out I put her in it facing out and she LOVES it. She sings and dances in it which is so sweet. She hates being in it on my back and having her on my front means I can't physically do things around the house apart from a bit of hoovering.

I agree about independence coming from dependence. Its something we strongly believe in in my family which is why I attachment parent. In fact I didn't know it was called attachment parenting until seeing it on MN, it was just the way I instinctively chose to parent her.

I find it conflicts with modern life so much! But maybe that's just me.

She is awake now and calmer. She still wont let me put her down but its better than before.

Ds is like this and sometimes you just can't get things done. Food means a small amount of crying or try and do things one handed. Everything else gets left.

It does get easier. Firstly, she should get more relaxed once she plays more as she gets older. And also she will want to copy you and 'help' washing up, loading washing machine etc.

Can you try and reorganise your time so houseowrk is done when she is in bed or when dh has days off. Not much fun but needs must sometimes.

She will be confident going to nursery when she feels secure with you. I think it will be very distressing for both of you to try and push her into being left before she is ready. Don't compare, she's not any other baby but yours.

Have you heard of Dr Sears High Needs baby? Basically needs a lot from you, a lot of holding, lots of feeding and often very little sleep!

I'm trying your ideas at the moment morethan and it has helped in the last few weeks. At least I know I am on the right track! Some days I don't know if its the right thing to do and I often wonder if not sending her to nursery is encouraging her to be like this.

She is definitely a 'high needs baby' and has been from day one. I slept sitting up for about three to four months with her lying on my chest. There was no other way she would sleep! She has always needed me constantly.

DH has been trying to help share the load the last couple of weeks. Because of his long days he has never really had the time before. He was shocked that when they were lying down half asleep together our DD would turn his face towards hers if he turned away. She does this with me all the time. She doesn't like to sleep without us and if we fall asleep before her she will actively wake us up by hitting our faces or kicking us in the side. She wants to make sure we are alert and with her till she sleeps.

She can be playing happily at my feet or in my sight but if I walk towards the kitchen, she starts to cry if she can't follow me.

She is also still BF A LOT and prefers it to solids. I have finally got her to eat decent meals but can revert to all day breastfeeding when ill or teething.

She has never slept like other baby's which is one of the first things noticed by my relatives. She would be up and alert all day without any of those slumps in energy levels other babys her age would have. It has always been all go all the time.

I sound very negative reading this back but I do love every minute I spend with her. Its just feeling so difficult right now.

Thanks again everyone!

Are you sure she wasn't tired or hungry? Dd is a like this if either of those are a problem (she's 13 months).

I cuddle her, carry her with me, let her join in etc. I don't expect her to entertain herself though - she's tiny.

My eldest (3) only started doing that about a year ago. He was similar at this age

The crawling off crying sounds like tiredness to me.

Do you go to playgroups? It may be that if she gradually gets used to other children, other situations, while you are there, then she may in her own time branch out a little?

My dd was a bit like this. I had a thing called a Baby Einstein, which I could put her in which was safe and she couldn't get out of it, and then I'd get 5 minutes, or 10 maximum to do something like cook the dinner or clean the floor. But I think if I'd left her for 40 minutes, I'd have got a similar reaction to you. She wouldn't let you hold her because she was so angry and confused. (There's a very old documentary about a little girl who had to go to hospital in the days before parents were allowed to stay in the hospital with their children, and the way the girl was with her mother at the end of her stay is heart-breaking - totally distant - as though all the trust had gone - have a look for it on youtube or somewhere).

But the good news is, now dd is 4 it's much, much easier.

Could you try just 5 minutes at first, then build up to 10. Maybe don't use the cot bed - that might have confused her - maybe she thought you wanted her to go to sleep? Get something else - a travel cot or a playpen or something - something that is distinct from the place she sleeps.

Have to say, it's not easy having a child like this - I tried nursery when she was 2 years and 4 months - total disaster..... Tried again when she was just gone 3, and built up the hours really slowly, starting from just 10 minutes, to half an hour, to one hour etc over a period of a couple of months, and that worked - she was really settled and loved it.

Starting school last September was a bit of a nightmare, I have to say, but I won't bore you with that!

There are things that I still can't do really - have only watched one film all the way through since she was born, and always have to get dressed as quickly as possible (which means I basically wear the same things day in day out) and the house is a bit of a mess most of the time, and I rely on a lot of frozen food because I can't spend ages in the kitchen chopping and peeling etc. But it is easier, so there is hope!

Best of luck - I know how hard it is.

Poppinin1.

I don't think that by not sending her to nursery you are encouraging her to be like this. I just think its the way she is, they are all different.

Although I will admit to being a bit biased here as one who prefers to decline childcare. Although I think pre school can be beneficial.

No amount of coersion? would have helped ds1 to settle at nursery/ pre school. My other 2 managed fine, obviously it wasn't immediate as most take a while to settle. But ds1 never did despite well qualified caring nursery workers trying various strategies.

If you do try and your dd doesn't eventually settle you will have the same decision to make as I did. All I can say is that now he is a wonderful man completely independant girlfriend, job, well qualified. In fact I hardly see him but he still needs support and help from time to time.

Definitely not tiredness or hunger as she had not long ago woken up. I put her in the cot bed just after trying to get her to eat. She refused a few times so I gave her BM instead and was going to try again with the food after a little play (well that's what I was hoping anyway).

I was devastated when she reacted that way because as you said Traip it was obvious she was angry at me and didn't trust me/ felt betrayed. In all honesty I wept a little when she did that.

She is so friendly and loves other people and children. In fact she gestures to strangers to pick her up all the time when we are out. At soft play she can monopolise other mum's and I have to pry her away from them so they can attend to their own kids

Actually now that I think about it, she also cry's when strangers suddenly leave her. For instance, when we are on a train and someone is playing with her and then gets of the train, she becomes so sad she cries and I have to distract her and calm her. She even does this when people come to the front door and leave (delivery persons etc..)

She is very comfortable when we are out and loves being anywhere, even the supermarket! The only time she isn't comfortable is when she loses sight of me. That has only happened once or twice.

My dd had this at one time and a paediatrician said it was a form of regression - they go back to being extremely dependent on you as they were when new born. His idea was to play peekaboo, play gentle hiding games (close the door, open the door) that kind of thing. Make the separation into a game and they learn to trust that you will come back again.

It sounds as though she is displaying behaviour to show that she is independent of you (by trying to control you - pull your face to hers etc, compete with the attention of your friends) but that's healthy and really should be allowed and encouraged. Her 'being angry' with you is going to be the first of many and that's where you have to learn to "ignore the bad and reward the good". You have been the centre of her universe and she just doesn't want to share you with anyone or anything else. You are going to have to teach her that it's good to share and that you will always be there for her, even if you're not always there. :)

Sympathies but no advice. DD2, 13 months, is a lot like this. She can walk, a bit, but shows no interest in learning to walk independently; she just wants to hold onto my hand while she practises. Fair enough, except that this has been going on for several months (she doesn't crawl), and I KNOW she can walk independently, when she really wants something she does and has been for a month now. She won't sit down and play. If I am near her, she pulls up onto my knees and then clings to me. If I move away, she whines and cries.

And she's DD2. Which means that every time DD1 wants something perfectly reasonable, like help wiping her bottom or pouring a drink, I have to put DD2 down and let her whine, help DD1 quickly, then go back to DD2. It's exhausting and frustrating. And until I started typing, I didn't realise how bad it was, so I apologise for taking over your thread!

How about a babywalker? I know a lot of people have issues with them but if she can't walk yet she could scoot along behind you in it while you do dishes etc and the toys on it might distract her for a bit ?
I used to give ds plastic versions of what I was doing ao plastic cup and plate and tea towel and get him to copy me doing dishes or saucepan and plastic veg and wooden spoon at dinner time and sit him in highchair close by
Just a thought op

hi poppin i can very much empathise as i am in a similar situation to you with my DD, now aged a year and a bit. she is my first child and after seeing me with her many close friends and even my mother commented that "oh, i never imagined you as the mummy type". DD is textbook-and-beyond highneeds baby - the book by Dr. Sears was a lifesaving reassurer. I HAD TO breastfeed her every hour till she was 6 months (see also here ; sometimes i even had to feed her standing up as there was no other way she would drink; our "in-arms phase" lasted until she could shuffle-crawl at 8 months, and now at 12 months she still cries when i leave the room, has no attachment to anyone but my DH who works 12 hours a day and is a very fussy darling like princess baby.

sorry to waffle. so we have the textbook High Needs Baby. I have had to be the textbook Attachment Parent, not having intended to. We felt much social pressure to turn her into a 'normal baby' by training her and letting her cry. two days of this and seeing the hysterical choking state she would get into and we gave up. it made no sense to torture my child like this to fit into social expectations (of the naturally peaceful and formula satiated baby). I have accepted that some baby personalities are just different, and as primates our babies are programmed to constant attention. We are not birds, that we flit back to the nest constantly, but rather we are a carrying species - hence another lifesaving invention - the manduca, where i can now carry her on my back for flitting down to the laundry room or peel some potatoes when she is cranky.

she is easier sometimes, when she feels like it, she can occupy herself for half an hour walking along the furniture as long as i am in sight. she screams if i leave the room and she cant hear me.

DD wakes, i will continue later.

Are you sure theres no underlying cause kiss? The feeding every hour etc - wondering if she's had reflux or something. Which can mean constant low level discomfort so a grumpy and clingy child (been there!)